doomed

Chapter 17

Chapter 17
I dreamed of her that night.
The texts I had received, the calls she had put out. The amount of times she tried to get help but no one answered.

She had relied on me and I failed her. I had always been there for her, never not answered, except when she needed me the most.

The night he did this to her, the night I for once didn't want to come party with her. I had a big fight with my father and locked myself in the room not wanting to see him.

I hadn't gone because then he would have talked to me. I wish I had. I could have helped her, I could have saved her.

I still gave myself the fault. Even after 2 years, for me I had some part in her death. I had fallen asleep early, she called me 17 times before texting me.

When I woke up at 4am I knew something was wrong. I looked at my phone and even though I didn't believe it then, deep down I knew she was gone. It felt like she had been in my head right there.

Telling me it was alright and that she was save now, that I didn't need to worry.
I still hold onto her.

My heart still aches when I hear her name, I haven't told anyone about what happened. If I wanted to I couldn't.

I still write her most days, send messages to her phone thats buried inside my closet. Along with her clothes, that don't smell like her anymore.
And her stupid stuffed animal I always made fun of.

I didn't want to accept her death, even now that it's been 2 years

The first thing I did this morning was go swim. My shoulder needed loosening up. I would have gone for a run but I knew there would be paparazzi everywhere trying to catch a hold of me.
And it wouldn't help my shoulder.

Swimming was inside the hotel and I just reserved the pool for an hour and a half. By the time people started coming in I was already done.

I got inside before my father could catch me and took a shower. My phone reminded me of the meeting I should attend but did I really still need to do that?

I rubbed my hair dry with a towel as I walked into the room and put on a new pair of boxer shorts. I went onto his contact.

Still attending the meeting?

I really didn't want to go but I knew if I didn't ask and not show up it would just cause me more trouble. So I just hoped for the best that maybe he didn't even want me there after yesterday.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and looked on instagram. A few people had texted me about what had happened, some asking if I was alright, some others just calling me a dick.
If they'd just know.

I went onto our chat, the last time she had asked me about the papers.

If it doesn't come with you, I don't need it Cariño.

A little too desperate now looking back at it, but that's fine I was down bad for her any way. I put my head in my hand looking at the chat.

I wish I'd know how she was doing. If she was okay? I would have texted her but it felt wrong considering I was the reason for her to feel bad. Not that she was gonna answer anyway.

I closed the phone and rubbed both my hands over my face, through my hair and over my neck. I felt tight.

I didn't know why I cared so much about how she was feeling, or doing or even where she was. I wanted to know and I wanted her to know I was sorry for what I had done. Not to Evan but to her, about what she had to watch and how I pushed her.

The rest was uninteresting to me, I just wanted to know if she was okay.

My phone pushed up a notification I turned to the side. "Yes you will. Dress accordingly."