WITH YOU!

49. CONFLICTED!

AISHA

I ran away, ran away from him, from everyone, & everything, & I ran across the road, only to come face-to-face with the sea, at Nariman point.

There were a few people, that too far away from me, as I sat down, sharing my grievances with my ever silent Mamma.

I find my mamma in the sea & the sky.

They say that good souls turn to stars after their death, & so I seek my mamma in these stars.

& when she died I had submerged her remains in the river, & rivers meet the sea, so I find her in the sea as well.

& here as both the sky & the sea meet, I felt like my mamma was looking at me, like she was very close to me, as I held her pendent which was around my neck, tightly.

"Mamma, why you left me, huh? Did you hate me this much? Why did this happen to me? I told you about Vivaan, my Savior...(sad chuckle)...today he attacked me mom, he attacked me too...

& now I feel desolate! It hurts badly Mamma! It hurts badly here! (places her hand on her chest)....

you used to tell me that I'd find love, (dark chuckle), mamma I didn't even find the shade of it.....(sobs)...... Why did you lie Mamma, why did you give me the false hope, huh? (sniffs)

Or am I that bad that I don't deserve love.... You said I deserve everything, than why did you leave me? Firstly dad, then you, & now I have nobody...(sobs)....... Why didn't you take me with you as well?

Why am I CURSED Mamma, why don't I get love, why don't I die either? & you know the worst part, it yet hurts, (sobs).....

......i-it yet hurts, even after breaking a thousand times, it yet hurts, here....(holds her chest)......

Again mum, no words? (laughs drily)

.....Oh why would you reply, you too got rid of me, right, I was a burden on you too, right? You hated me too, right? (sobs)

.......But then why did you give me hopes, why did you make me taste your love, that now I seek for it like a desperate fool?

(sobs)

........Why Mamma why? Why just me every time? I'm broken, I'm shattered! Please ask your God to stop it, cause I-I can't bear it anymore! I'm dying every moment mom, every moment! Help me, lead me, love me....(sobs harshly)....."

I kissed her pendent which I wore, sobbing hard for a few minutes, which felt like seconds, as I was not done, but this isn't the place, so I got up, wiping my persistent tears, & took a cab to come back to the apartment. I felt exhausted, I felt tired!

I smelt like him, so I took a long shower, which didn't help me a bit, to my dislike, so I came out, & wore my white cotton shorts, & a light pink t-shirt, & came to my bed.

I wrote my diary, yet crying & sobbing, my tears came out like a fountain, they flowed freely!

The worst part? I was missing the warmth & comfort of his arms when all these tears, & my this state is just because of him!

I hate him for making me feel like this!

& I hate myself for feeling for him, & even ever thinking about him as someone special! How could I get so desperate to trust a person like him? I told him what I never told anyone, I had shown him my most vulnerable self!

I cried out more thinking about it, as I lied down holding my pillows tightly, but those memories, those nights, my dark past haunted me, & I couldn't let me sleep for hours! & I finally dozed off only to wake up from my worst nightmare, but nobody to comfort, not a single being to hold me on!