WITH YOU!

45. INSECURITIES!

AISHA

& here I'm, going back to my second home, Mumbai. My first home was, & always will be Shimla, oh how much I miss those hills, that fresh forest air, the wild fragrance, the natural beauty, & the most, my mamma, though she's not there as well... I sighed.

'But her memories are!' added my subconscious, as I smiled at the thought. I'd run away from here, once I graduate, & hide myself from this cruel world, & live in the lap of nature, breathe in the chilly air of Shimla, with the warmth of memories of my only world, my only loved one, the one who taught me what love is, my mamma!

Oh, how much do I miss her on lonely days like this!

Ishu & others have slept already, but I'm wide awake. No matter how much I show to the world that I'm ok, but I'm not out of the trauma yet! I might have fought back to Uncle, & might have got saved, but how to save myself from these memories, how to erase them? I would not forget even if it was a nightmare, so how can I forget the reality, when I lived & breathed every damn moment of that soul shattering torture?

No I can never forget them, & every time I sense or remember them the pain will be the same, time might heal the wounds, but these wounds can never be healed! They grow more-&-more every single time they are touched, or even thought about!

I still feel his touches burning my skin, when I'm asleep, as I wake up with a jerk...

I felt better with Vivaan, he comforted me, only he could comfort me in such a situation, I don't know why & how? Ok, I feel for him, but at the end of the day, we're far stars, plus I can't risk myself with him!

Once I fall for someone, I fall hard, & so hard that I might drown in the depths of that person, forgetting my own existence in his!

I know I'm a love craving bitch, but that's the only thing I crave besides trust, care & faith!

When I give in to someone, I give them my whole, but can Vivaan give his whole to me? His status, his everything makes me feel more insecure & uncertain, then I feel already!

What if I expect more from him, & he wants less, & most importantly, what if I'm not enough for him, what if I... Argh!

I'll go crazy at this pace, so I opened my diary, & poured my feelings in it, as usual, as I can't share my feelings with anyone, specially the feelings about him!

I imagined him besides me, remembering his warmth, & the protection he provided me, & it made me feel safe as I dozed off.

"Aisha!" called Anny.

"What now Ann?" asked I.

"Please do my hairs!!" she gave me her most-annoying but cute puppy-face, as I did her hairs, & as I was going back to my room, here came Ishu.

"Do my eyes, you know, make them look sexiest, as you did yours on he sangeet day!" she ordered me!

"Why so that you hurt the poor heart of my poor Sid bhai, with the bows of your eyes?" asked I, as I took eyeliner from her, & she hit my arm, while others giggled.

"But thank you so much Aish, only you could handle that Dumb ass brother of yours! How could he think like that about me!" added she.

"It's just that you are confusing! Not only his fault here!" I added.

"Whatever!" she shrugged, as I did her eyes.

Yes, finally that dumb Sid proposed Ishu, & I'm so so happy for them, I feel like I'm Emma Woodhouse from Jane Austen's novel, lol!