Love and secrets (OC x Leah Williamson)

Chapter 26 - Keep going

4 months later

A/n Spanish will look like 'this' by the way

It had been a tough past four months settling into a new country after being diagnosed with depression isn't exactly comfortable.

I've only played about half a game in total while I've been here and it's knocked my confidence massively. The only people I really speak to in person are Lucy and Keira, mostly Lucy. I don't go to team bonding because I feel like there is no point, I tried at first but just didn't seem to click with any of the players.

The only thing I'm proud of doing while I've been here is learning Spanish. I started out taking a lesson once a week with Lucy and Keira but then realised I had much more time than them because of my lack of social life.

I've been taking lessons every day and asking for extra long lessons on off days. I enjoy learning new things and it has kept me occupied while I've been here. I'm nearly fluent in Spanish but I have no one to try it out on as none of my team mates really talk to me.

It is partially my fault, when I arrived I was shy and timid and when they tried to talk to me I shut them down.

I have weekly sessions with a therapist who has told me if I want to get better I have to help myself. I knew what she meant, I knew she meant that I needed to find friends.

I talk to Leah over the phone almost every day, I tell her my life here is amazing and the only thing it's missing is her. I know it's a lie but I can't tell her the truth, that I hate it here and I have no friends and spend all my time at home or the training grounds.

She's tried to come and visit me up here but our schedules have been tight, when she has time off I'll be going to training for long hours and when I have time off she's busy.

I haven't had an international call up since the euros, Sarina spoke to me about it and explained that I just wasn't getting enough game time and if I wanted my spot back I had to work for it and show her she made the wrong decision before. I don't want to do that though, I don't want to work hard, I want to just relax and do nothing but I can't.

Today I have a meeting with Jonatan as he's apparently worried about me, I don't know why I've never had a full conversation with the guy apart from when I signed.

Right now I'm sitting in my car, holding a bottle of pills for my depression. I was sceptical at first about taking them but they made the noise stop.

I took one pill out of the bottle and swallowed it dry. I scrunched my face up in disgust at the taste before leaving the car and walking into the training grounds.

It was an off day so no one was around, I could just walk in unnoticed, tell a few lies about how I feel then leave.

I walked through the halls and knocked on Jonatan's office door "come in Ella" he said and I walked through.

He gestured towards a chair in front of his desk and I sat down. "Right look, I know you haven't exactly settled here and I want to make it a little easier for you. Before you say anything you have no choice. I've seen how you can play and that's why I fought to sign you. When you arrived I was exited to get you on the pitch but there was no spark in your play. What's going on?" He said and I choked back the tears, he wasn't angry he just seemed disappointed in me and that is definitely worse.

I lifted my head to see him waiting for an answer, I took a deep breath before I tried to answer "truthfully, I'm not doing great mentally. I was diagnosed with depression just before I was set to leave and that has made everything more difficult. I want to settle and make friends and go to team bonding but I just don't know how to do it all without being horrible to everyone." I answered and he gave me a sympathetic look.