DNF - A Formula 1 Story (Lando Norris)

Chapter 5

"And all I do is sit and think about you." - The 1975

Bianca

It's been about a month since the night I saw Lando in the club and I've been hanging out with James with any free time we have. He is a lot of fun and we have a great time when we're together. Unfortunately I still think of Lando all of the time. Now that I have social media again, I can't seem to get away from him no matter how hard I try to avoid him.

My situation with James was initially so awkward for me at first because he was the first person I had sex with after Lando. I had a minor break down after we finished the first time. I almost felt like I was betraying Lando which is absolutely ridiculous. Luckily that feeling has gone away but I think that might just be because I've pushed it so deep down inside of me that I can now just ignore it.

It also helps that I haven't heard from Lando since his 'I'm sorry' text that I never responded to. He posts on his private twitter though periodically cryptic tweets that I know are directed at me and that he hopes I'll respond to. But I don't. Lately they've been becoming more frequent. Last night he posted lyrics to 'It's Not Living (If It's Not With You) by The 1975 and it made my heart ache because memories of when we first met at Austin City Limits came crashing into my mind. To this day I think the moment I fell in love with him was during that set when he held me close against him and sang the lyrics quietly in my ear.

It's getting harder and harder to ignore him because I fucking miss him. But then I remember why we aren't together anymore and tell myself it's better to stay away and not engage. Unfortunately, I don't think he's going to make it easy on me because as I turn my attention from my text book to check my phone, I see a text message from him. The first one in a month. I take a deep breath before reading it.

DNF: Do you remember that one night back in December? When we were in the desert?
DNF: When we were stargazing on the chaise?
Me: Unfortunately yes, it's engraved into my mind.
DNF: I think about that night all the time...the way you made me feel when you looked at me.
DNF: I miss you.
Me: Too bad when you went back home you fucked another girl.
Me: Otherwise I would still be looking at you that way.

Flashback

It's our last night in Glamis. We've been here for a week and it's been one of the best weeks of my life. Being with Lando feels so right, and getting to spend this time with him really has solidified my feelings for him. I'm completely in love with him, and I think he might feel the same way as I do. We are on the back porch of the little airbnb we rented for the week bundled up together on a chaise lounger wrapped in a cozy blanket. I'm laying between Lando's legs, my head resting against his shoulder. His arms are wrapped tightly around me and we're staring up at the dark winter sky.

I've never seen so many stars in my life, but since we're in the middle of the desert with a low population, it's dark enough to be able to see what I would could only describe as infinity. We've been laying here silently for awhile, just enjoying each others company. Eventually I roll slightly in his arms so I can face him and I notice he has a strained expression on his face as he stares up at the stars.

"Lan, are you okay?" I ask with worry. He doesn't say anything in response, I'm not even sure he actually heard me. He seems to be completely lost in thought so I try to get his attention again. This time I gently move his face towards mine so I can look into his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I implore as I try to get a read on what may be troubling him. He just continues to stare at me like he's trying to formulate words but doesn't know where to start. His eyes are full of what I can only describe as trepidation, but I'm not sure why. I gently push back a curl from his forehead that's gone astray and I lean forward and kiss him lightly, hoping that he'll snap out of whatever is bothering him. He kisses me back but pulls away a moment later .

"I'm just going to miss you. This week has been amazing and I've gotten used to being together. I hate that we don't live closer." He says and my heart melts in my chest. It makes me happy that he's going to miss me and wishes I lived closer. Maybe I should tell him my plan now instead of waiting until I know for sure that I will be moving to England.

"Lan, there's something I want to tell you..." I respond but he interrupts me.

"Fuck, I love when you look at me like that. It makes me feel like I'm 10 feet tall." He says as he tangles his fingers into my hair and tugs my mouth to his. This time he doesn't stop. He continues to kiss me until I'm falling apart beneath him. I end up falling asleep that night wrapped tightly in his arms, feeling so in love.

I realize now that he probably was contemplating with himself on whether or not he should tell me about Sophie. A night that I thought we were both so in love with each other is bittersweet now that I know he immediately went and hooked up with Sophie when he got back to Monaco. There I was completely in love with him, and there he was having his cake and eating it too. It makes me sad and angry all over again, so much so that I want to call him out on dredging up a memory I tried to bury. So I screenshot the first part of our conversation to post to my twitter account. For the caption I write 'Why do men do this shit right when you're trying to move on?' I know it's probably not a good idea to post that text exchange on my twitter when there are a lot of people who know I dated Lando, but I don't care anymore. Not even two minutes later I get a text from Lando and I can't help but laugh when I read what he says.

DNF: Babe, why am I saved as DNF in your phone?
Me: Do not fraternize
Me: Do not flirt
Me: Do not fancy
Me: Do not fuck
Me: Do not fold
Me: Do not forgive
Me: You pick.
DNF: Oh.

Oh is right. Maybe now he'll leave me alone. But is that actually what I want? I don't know. I still fucking love him even though I know I shouldn't. But I don't trust him, and I'm not sure I would ever be able to again after what happened. There's a part of me that still thinks we belong together though and I don't know how to change that. Tears begin to fall now as I start spiraling. My phone dings with a notification and I grab it thinking that maybe Lando texted me again but it's James. I hate how I'm filled with disappointment and it makes me cry even more. Quickly wiping my tears I open the text from James.

London Boy: Do you need me to come over?
Me: Yes
London Boy: Want anything?
Me: Ice cream and wine.
London Boy: Okay darling, see you soon.

When James gets to my apartment a half hour later, he's holding out a pint of strawberry ice cream and a bottle of white wine when I open the door. But now that he's here I realize I don't want those things. I pull him inside of my apartment by his shirt and close the door behind us. As I lead us to my bedroom I start taking off my clothes and when I turn around to face James he's looking at me with furrowed brows, trying hard not to look at my naked body.

"Help me forget." I whisper as I take a step closer to him and start kissing his neck. I hear a sharp intake a breath from him and I know he's going to stop this from going any further. To my surprise though, he doesn't. Instead he proceeds to do just what I asked of him. He helps me forget even though it's fleeting. In the end, I'm still angry with Lando and want to do something to piss him off, so I post a photo of James laying in my bed shirtless watching tv with me, with the caption 'Thanks for cheering me up London Boy'.

It's hours later and I'm laying in bed not able to sleep. James is long gone and I'm trying to distract myself from thinking about Lando or checking his social media so I'm reading the second book in the series that Lydia recommended to me. My phone chiming with a notification distracts me and I furrow my brows as I check to see who is texting me so late.

DNF: Does he make you laugh?
Me: He doesn't make me cry.
DNF: That doesn't answer my question.
Me: No one makes me laugh like you do.