Secrets ||Signed, Me||

get me out

i cant stay here, but i have no choice. still a minor and cant get emancipated. cant leave the house past 8. school used to give me panic attacks constantly. scared of other people. now im scared of the people who used to comfort me. i get panic attacks every time i leave my room. cant trust anyone anymore. stuck in my room with all my thoughts and emotions. cant wait till i get a drivers license, i'll be free from this place whenever i please. driving down the highway, music blasting, flying away from all my problems for the day. ignoring the fact ill have to go back by midnight. funny how all my friends think i have an amazing life. my own room, my own phone, computer, parents paying me to look after my little brother. i may as well be a third parent to him. teaching him how to go through the world, how to take care of yourself. probably failing at that, but i cant stop looking after him. i wish i could age faster. people always saying "enjoy being young while it lasts, you dont want to have to pay taxes" but, i do i love the idea of paying taxes cause that means im on my own, finally. i can still be young when i grow up. there's this thing called " young adulthood" being young is literally in the name. i don't think my parents realized how traumatized i am cause of them. im still finding more and more pieces of me and connecting the dots figuring out why im so fucked up. they go on trips often. you'd think that'd be a good thing, but that just means either going to the house that the only person i was truly comfortable with dies in for 3-12 days or going to my grama's house. i love her, i do, just in a way that i would be sad if she died. i don't like being with her. constantly being touched, triggered, etc. honestly staying at relatives houses is worse than being home. i hate being home but at least im in a known and familiar place. i have all my stuff in it's place, staying in my little bubble in my room away from everyone else. i'd rather have a panic attack a couple times a day and sleep than be in a place i hate, constantly wishing i was dead, constantly in a state of protect little brother at all costs and get the hell out of here. i can't go 10 minutes without something going horribly wrong when im not at home. really the only place i feel at complete ease is when im with my friends at one of their houses just chilling. no adults, no triggers, no unfamiliarity, just my little safety bubble. the part that hurts the most is that my parents know im on the edge of killing myself every time they go on vacation somewhere to get high. they know how hard it is for me but they never cancel. they never go "oh maybe we should actually think about our offspring for once and not fly halfway across the world for my friends birthday week. mom says i can just ask whoever im staying with to drive me home and let me stay there by myself for the day, but i don't think she realizes that for me to be able to speak up about what i need, i need to be able to breath and make words come out of my mouth that make sense. i can't do that when im already way past my breaking point with no perception of time or really anything in that moment. and then of course i feel guilty for wanting them to stay home instead of get high with their friends 'cause people are always telling me "having kids is stressful and adults need to take breaks" first off, yes. having kids is a lot. BUT ALSO, i barely see my parents and im doing online school! yes, they work but they are constantly taking breaks. they ALSO always go somewhere without us multiple times a year of days on end. i think they get enough breaks to spare a couple trips. they don't have to, yes. BUT as previously stated, i literally want to kill myself when i spend the night at family's houses. all im saying, please consider my situation before leaving for a week to go celebrate your "friend's" birthday on some tropical island who knows where, probably with bad service too. not that i would want to call them. 

dang, i just re read all that and im a hot mess right now............