Depths of Despair ✶ Theodore Nott

fifty two. laid bare to judgement

Valerie had not realized just how heavy secrets kept in silence could weigh upon one's shoulders before absolutely drowning in them. After having spent weeks lost in thought, trying to swim to the surface before running out of air, the revelations having taken place between herself and her father would turn out a saving grace.

From misery into relief, from weights pulling her down down down into the abyss of hopelessness to rising upwards in peace. After having met with James, Valerie had walked back to rejoin her friends with a smile lifting the corners of her lips.

They had all frozen in place, frowned at the sight before them. "Valerie, are you... okay?" had Kieran asked, appearing concerned in a manner Valerie had not even seen him during the times she'd disconnect from her surroundings. Hesitance across his demeanor, her best friend had taken a step forward, overlooking her as if scanning for injuries. In the background, Draco, Blaise, Pansy and Theodore all stood silent, eyes narrowed as if certain she had either consumed a bottle of fire whiskey before returning, or was on the verge of fully loosing her mind.

Valerie did not blame them, her shift in mood drastic enough to cause whiplash, however had simply shrugged her shoulders. "I'm fine," she had told them, before initiating lighthearted conversation, asking questions about the transfiguration homework, as if the melancholy having previously sunken it's claws in her was a mere memory gone forgotten.

The following weeks were bliss in comparison to what summer and start of the school year had been: her motivation to finish her schoolwork on return, Valerie making efforts to partake in the social interaction previously having gone lost on her.

Having been allowed to tell someone about the issues haunting her sleep at night worked as momentary procrastination, for although still not finding any solution to the task to extract information on Dumbledore and the order, Valerie Leclere felt like herself again. The secrets were no longer suffocating her, but merely tugging at her conscience when left alone to think. The lack of productivity was no longer overtaking her life, and caused but a mere crease between her eyebrows when sitting down to find a way around her troubles.

It was only when November started to reach its end that Valerie first began feeling the dire need for improvement again. Seated alongside Theodore in the library, she wrote the last sentence on her potions essay before leaning back in her chair: mind scrambling for ideas of how to proceed. "Theodore," she eventually asked, breaking the silence having resided between them both in a gentle manner, intent on asking him for help. Theodore hummed, dropping his quill almost at an instant to look up and meet her eyes, showcasing his attention. She hesitated for a moment, silent inquiries as to how to put her idea into words, before sighing: figuring there was no need for any facades. It was painfully obvious that Theodore had his suspicions, never having asked any questions however observant in nature. "You're pretty good at Occlumency."

Theodore frowned, her words a statement he confirmed with a nod. "I'd say I'm pretty decent at it," he added, relaxing into his seat.

"I—" Valerie began, however cut herself off. No more lies, she silently reprimanded, however knew that continuation of the conversation would lead to questions. There was no way to lay forth what she wished to say without providing explanation as to why — an explanation she was aware he secretly yearned for.

He must have seen the inner conflict, his expression softening. "You know you can trust me, right?"

Yes. She did, however her truth could cause him trouble, could get him dragged into a mess she wished him to have no part in. Failure in the task she had been assigned was, however, equal the risk of suffering on his part, and so the decision was made clear inside her mind.