Don't run away from me

ch. 25

//joshua;

For the next few days, Joshua spent most of his time with Seokmin at the library or in cafes, studying him. As much as Joshua liked Seokmin, he couldn't deny the fact that he was very bad at English, especially grammar. It was a tough period because he had to explain the same thing multiple times since Seokmin easily got distracted by everything around them. Also, nothing intimate, not even a kiss or holding hands, happened between them as they were too busy studying.

There were 3 days left until the big exam and the two of them decided to have their meditation session at Seokmin's house that day since Seungwan was away for Christmas vacation. While correcting Seokmin's essay, Joshua noticed Seokmin's boredom as he twirled a pen in his hand with his head resting on the table. Surprisingly, Seokmin actually scored high on that paper, and Joshua couldn't help but feel proud of him. "This... is actually really good. Congratulations," Joshua said as he handed the paper to Seokmin. When Seokmin saw the score of 71, he jumped up in shock and happiness. "I GOT THIS SCORE?" the joy in his eyes was evident.

"Do you see another Seokmin in the room with us?" Joshua leans his elbow on the table and rests his chin in his palm, smiling at Seokmin.

Seokmin starts laughing and twirling around the couch, celebrating as if he had won the gold medal at the Olympics. After getting tired, he sits back next to Joshua, leaning against him.

"And don't I deserve any reward now, hm? Come on, all week you tortured me with extra assignments and difficult exercises, don't I deserve something now?"

Joshua could swear that Seokmin's expression was identical to that of a wet begging puppy. For a few moments, he was ready to kiss him, but he changes his mind and instead lightly punches him on the head, getting up to escape Seokmin's embrace.

"Not yet. We'll see after you take the exam." Joshua headed towards the small island between the kitchen and the living room, pouring himself some water into a glass.

Seokmin was still sitting on the floor, holding his hand where Joshua had punched him. His mood immediately changed when his phone vibrated, indicating a new message. He quickly picks it up and his face visibly lights up, with a big smile on his lips. Joshua feels a knot in his stomach, but decides to ignore the feeling and continue drinking his water.

"Hyung, what are you doing for Christmas?" Seokmin puts his phone aside, getting up from the floor and coming towards Joshua. "My mom prepared a lot of delicious treats, I can't wait to go home."

The realization hits Joshua hard. He had forgotten that not everyone had the same experiences as him. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn't celebrated Christmas since he was 5 years old. Ever since his parents left him with his grandparents that winter and never came back for him. He doesn't even remember what it feels like to experience Christmas. For him, it's just like any other day. His grandmother fell ill and became paralyzed a few weeks after he arrived, and he had to take care of her all by himself, leaving him with no time to think about Christmas. He used to watch through the neighbors' windows as their children unwrapped their presents under the beautifully decorated tree, being the happiest because they received exactly what they wanted.

"...hyung?" Joshua hears Seokmin calling him multiple times, snapping him out of his painful childhood memories as he feels Seokmin's hands on his shoulders. "Hyung, are you okay?" Seokmin starts to get worried, but Joshua offers him a wide but still forced smile.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, I was thinking about something. Christmas, you said? I think I'll go visit my grandma, she lives in the countryside a few hours away from Seoul. What about you?" Joshua perfectly hides any trace of sadness and nostalgia that was on his face just moments ago.

"I'm going to my parents' place... Are you sure you're okay?" Seokmin didn't seem as convinced by Joshua's smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Look at the time, I have to go home." Joshua started gathering his things from the table.

"But didn't you say you were staying over at my place tonight?" Seokmin was even more confused now.

"And distract you in the final stretch? Pff. Of course not." Joshua let out a slightly forced laugh and felt his heart rate increasing, feeling the need to leave the house as soon as possible. "See you tomorrow at the library, okay? Finish up what you have to do tonight and check in with you tomorrow. Bye-bye, Seokminie!"

Joshua hurried to leave the house, speaking so quickly that Seokmin didn't even have a chance to react. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him once he reached the front of the building, the cold, sharp air stinging his face. He arrived at the park and stopped beside a tall tree, feeling his stomach churn and vomited beside him. All those memories that he had tried so hard to bury over the years resurfaced once again, making Joshua physically sick. A few steps away, he sat on a bench, breathing heavily, feeling the grip in his chest squeezing his heart. Suddenly, he felt something cold on his nose, like a drop, and when he looked up, thousands of snowflakes were beginning to fall from the sky. He felt his frozen cheeks fill with the warm trails of his tears. Joshua hated Christmas.