Before Everyone Else (SebaCiel, Modern AU)

What You Want What You Need (Self-harm trigger warning)

Ciel's POV
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It's very early in the morning when I wake up again. I groggily lift my head to check if it's even light outside. Nope. Still dark. I plop my head down again on my pillow and a groan comes from the man next to me.

"Lover? What are you doing up?" Sebastian groans. I shrug.

"I had a bad dream and so I woke up," I mumble. A long arm comes around my waist and pulls us together.

A long yawn comes from the other's mouth as he slowly speaks. "Do you need cuddles to calm down?" I blush but shake my head.

"I'm alright now, thank you," I shimmy my way up to place a kiss on his forehead.

"Always for you, I'm going back to sleep. You should too," His black hair covering his face as he slowly falls back asleep is a very peaceful scene to witness. The grasp around my waist loosens and I'm able to pry myself away from him. Covering the tall man in blankets to keep him warm, I silently make my way to our joint bathroom. Once inside, I lock the door carefully before falling to the floor as my body begins to sob.

My thoughts are a blur. Gasps fill the room as I try to breathe through the mess of snot and tears running down my face. 'You are disgusting. You hurt all these people. You caused this. You fat, ugly little boy.' A deep voice from the back of my mind speaks.

"Stop, please stop," I beg.

'No, you are worthless. You don't deserve the love you have. You should just die," The voice hisses. I frantically shake my head, sobs becoming even more prominent now.

'Hey baby, you don't have to be scared,' A softer voice speaks this time. 'It's okay, I understand your pain. If you want to feel better, all you have to do is take that razor on the counter and slice it across your thighs.'

I raise my head at the offer. My body begins to move on its own as it slowly stands and faces the prized object. A shaking hand shoots out from my side and grasps the handle. I gasp as I feel the weight in my hand. Using my other hand, I break the head of the razor, carefully extracting a single blade from the pile.

'Good,' Coos the softer voice. 'Now take off your pants and hold the blade against your right thigh.'

My pants come off and the blade against my thigh, ready for the next instructions from my savior.

'Now carefully go across your thigh, pressing down slightly so you will get the desired effect,' The soft voice whispers.

I slowly press down on the sliver of a blade and run it along an inch of my thigh. I hiss as blood droplets come to the surface oft fresh cut. I take away my hand and look at my handiwork; an inch long cut, with blood barely touching the surface. I set my blade back on my thigh with only one thought on my mind; it isn't enough.

It's another hour or so before I crawl back into bed. Sebastian is still fast asleep. I sealed the broken razor and blade in a plastic bag before stashing that in a box of hair dye. Then I wiped the blood off of my thighs with tissues and put band-aids on them before flushing away the evidence. Sebastian stirs slightly as I cuddle up to his side, ignoring the stinging pain on my thighs.

"Is it morning yet?" He asks, opening his eyes to stare into my own.

"Not yet, go back to sleep," I kiss his cheek. He groans loudly before placing a soft kiss on my lips.

"Let's go to sleep then," An arm comes around my shoulders and pushes me onto Sebastian's chest as he flattens out on his back. I smile softly before feeling a pang of guilt for cutting while he's unaware. I lay my head down on his shoulder and tangle my legs with his own as my arms hold onto him for dear life. "I love you, Ciel."

"I love you too," I whisper. I stay there quietly for awhile and listen as his breathing becomes even and he's silently muttering my name. "I'm so sorry."