Before Everyone Else (SebaCiel, Modern AU)

Devil (self harm tw, eating disorder tw)

Ciel's POV
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Crimson mixes with the white of the counter top as the blade clanks onto it. Lines, varying in healing patterns, are etched in every usually non-visible spot on porcelain skin. The face in the mirror is not one I'm used to seeing. Gaunt features, tear-stained face, broken smile, and the eyes. The eyes are piercing and absolutely horrifying. Once beautiful eyes rake over ribs, skeletal legs, and protruding hips. I reach up and see an arm, crisscrossed with the same lines, touch the sharp cheekbones that never used to be there before. The arm slides down and I start to sob uncontrollably.

"Sebastian," Cries keep pouring out, calling for my lover. My lover, the one who I need the most right now, is gone. Soft whimpering turns into high-pitched whines while I slowly start to break down. "Please don't leave me."

'Of course he'll leave you,' the voice hisses, disgust laced in every word. Words spoken like that from a predator stalk my conscience. 'Once he finds out about your habit, anyone would leave you.'

"No, no, please no," I scream out. As sobs keep escaping from my cracked lips, I collapse in a ball on the bathroom floor. The sobs rocking my tiny frame cause me to barely breathe. The never-ending silence is broken by the sounds of me gasping for air and tears hitting the floor.

'Hey sweetie, try breathing,' the nice voice coos. They're bittersweet words that echo in my head. The nice voice reminds me of a Venus fly trap; coated in sweet words but will kill when given the opportunity.

"I'll try," I choke out. Tears stream down my face and into my open mouth as I breathe in and breathe out slowly. It takes several minutes for my heartbeat to slow down to a normal level. Shallow breaths turn into longer gasps while I attempt to return my breathing back to normal.

'Now clean up your mess before someone finds it. You'll never be able to do this again if they find out,' The kind voice instructs me. I nod, and begin to clean the blood from the counter, hiding my blades in the dye kit; the perfect hiding place. No one dares to look there. Placing bandaids on my fresh cuts, I flush all the evidence down the toilet. If anyone were to find evidence, I would have to stop. I can't stop. Not yet. I walk out of the bathroom, and with no muscle left over, I collapse to the floor right outside of the door from the fatigue of just standing.

It started out with the voice telling me I'm too fat for anyone to love. It told me that if I stopped eating, Sebastian would want to make love to me more. That maybe he would be able to love me after all I have done. The less food I ate, the greater the chance that I would be skinny enough for Sebastian to love. I weighed myself every hour to make sure I was perfect. Every pound, every ounce I gained, I would slash a new mark across my skin as a reminder to be good, for him. I would pretend I had eaten, to not worry Levi and Eren. But my body soon began to betray me; my bones soon became all too visible. I locked myself inside my room to hide the evidence, never leaving when it was light outside.

"Ciel?" A worried voice calls out simultaneously to a knock from the door, "It's Eren. If you have the chance, please come eat with us. I know Sebastian's been gone for a week but he should come back any day now. We all care about you." I heave myself into a sitting position, and clear my throat as quietly as possible to mask how raw it is.

"Don't worry Eren, I'm okay! I'm sorry I haven't been eating with you two, I've been kind of busy. I'll try to eat with you two tomorrow!" The fake cheer in my voice is probably very evident but I don't care. I want him gone.

I hear a long sigh before Eren starts talking again. "All right, just take care of yourself." The soft patter of feet leaving ear range leaves me with a sigh of relief.

Shaky legs try to hold up my weight as I make my way to the bed. I fall face first into the blankets, wincing from the pain and I realize that I shouldn't have done that. I roll onto the edge of the bed and feel around on the floor for some underwear, and I make do for whatever I put my hands on first. Without even pulling the covers over me, I fall asleep.

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"Lover," I hear a soft voice murmur behind me. "Lover, it's me." I turn around and the familiar scent fills my nose. A long arm finds itself around my side as I stretch.

"Mmm, Sebastian," I slowly open my eyes and crimson red is all I see. I slowly smile and wrap my arms around his neck. A chuckle rumbles in his chest as Sebastian wraps his arms around my waist, helping me to a sitting position. I lean against him heavily, facing him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Warm lips press a soft kiss against my temple. Red eyes roam my tiny frame and quickly change from adoration to horrified. "Ciel, Ciel, what did you do?"