Lifetime

Will to Live

I wish the moment of solace I had that night, letting some of the emotion out and cradled against Seokjin, would have carried into the coming days. It was a fruitless desire because everything went wrong, starting the following afternoon during a check-up with the physician overseeing my dad's care where he identified an air leak. Regardless of his assurance that it was a common post-surgery complication that would likely be remedied with a few more days in the hospital, it was the reinitiation of my madness.

Three days of recovery turned into five. Seokjin stayed with me at the hospital for the bulk of time, bringing back quick meals that he put together during his short trips home for a good shower or to run errands.

Faye flew in at the start of the weekend, wiggling her eyebrows as she recalled the ease of her transition from the airport to the hospital, courtesy of Seokjin's booking. She carried a small vase of sunflowers in one hand with attached balloons that trailed behind, her other arm reaching out to embrace each of us.

She perched on the edge of my dad's bed, listening intently as he started in on telling her about the time between the last we'd seen each other despite having already heard every story from my experience.

Seokjin and my dad insisted that we spend some of our time away from the hospital, urging us to go out for lunches and catch up privately at every opportune moment.

"I know I liked the last two, but this one is really special." She commented while blow drying my hair on Sunday afternoon. I'd been rocking the same ratty ponytail for a week, her confidence that a good wash and blowout would help my mood a kind idea if not a bit of a reach. "Dad told me Jin will be getting the results from his scan tomorrow. I'm going to stay with him for the day so you two can meet with the doctor and have the day together after." She switched between looking at me through the vanity mirror and keeping her attention on the pieces of hair she pressed.

"You don't have to. I can come back after." I objected, thinking of her flight home the following night.

She finished the last piece, my hair clean and light after her work. "Yes I do. Either way, you two should take some time together after." She crouched in front of me, laying and then relaying strands until she was satisfied.

I appreciated her candor, rarely filled with worry and with an optimistic outlook I wanted to bottle. She didn't allow us to linger on the unknowns or what ifs, moving back to observe her work before handing me a small mirror for a closer look.

Her offer became our saving grace. I knew she'd care for my dad as diligently as I would, and that she wouldn't hold back on giving me more updates than most saw as necessary. Being in the medical district made the walk to the lead oncologist's office simpler, though my feet drug with the same sense of dread I felt getting my dad's results.

Seokjin was mute, carrying tension in his shoulders and I wanted nothing more than to provide some ease. My hand quivered as it curled around his arm and when we entered the medical office, I only wished to continue holding on to him, unable to with the space between the chairs we occupied.

Dr. Ahn greeted Seokjin with a firm handshake, turning to me with an unrealistically perfect smile. "You must be Seline." He offered me the same.

He didn't waste time, maintaining a calm neutrality in his presentation of Seokjin's results. I could feel my heartbeat pulsing at the base of my throat, sound clouding from his initial statement. "Good news first."

First, that meant there was something to come after. A piece of good news to buffer the bad.

I didn't realize I wasn't listening until Seokjin took my hand from where it gripped the arm of my chair, giving it a small squeeze.