ARE YOU WORTH IT (intersex)

10

I twisted the doorknob quietly entering the dim room.

I shut the door, causing her to look up from her computer. She quickly pulled down her glasses. Remaining silent,  she sat there staring at me from a distance. I didn't know where to start. Usually she does all the talking, so I started with the obvious "you were at my house last night?" I mumbled but loud enough for her to hear me.

She slowly nodded, still refusing to open her mouth and speak.

"Why?"

Still mute she rose from her chair, closing her laptop, taking the only source of light in the room. I could see her dark figure slowly approaching me which caused me to take a step back until I felt the wall press against me.

I closed my eyes when the light scent of her cologne filled my nose, confirming that she was standing in front of me. I was trapped, with nowhere to go. feeling her presence towered over me I could feel every muscle in my body begin to tense up. I tried to pace my heavy breathing but the thought of what she might do next made it impossible to remain composed.

"Open your eyes," she demanded. I took a deep breath as I slowly opened my eyes to her arm extended past me turning on the lights. I looked up at her staring down at me, but she didn't stare for long before returning back to the chair behind her desk. She threw her leg over the other motioning her hand to the open chair across from her desk "sit."

I did as she said and seated myself in front of her. Her green eyes were piercing mine and for a minute I held the intense eye contact, but she does this head tilt thing that intimidates the hell out of me. I quickly shifted my eyes to my feet that were starting to position themselves inward. A comfort thing I do when I feel a little uneasy. 

I heard her release a deep sigh causing me to look back up at her. She reached into her drawer pulling out a bunch of packets.

She must want me to sign more papers. "I know what I said the other day was out of line, but I assure you that I don't need to sign any more papers."

She sat silent sorting through the packets pulling out a particularly small form.

"I believe you." she says as she rips the packet in half sliding it across the desk to me. I read the packet that had my name signed at the bottom realizing it was the nda i signed two weeks ago. I quickly looked up at her in confusion. She then handed me another form that was placed into a folder. I picked it up eager to read what was inside. "Don't-" she raised her hand, stopping me from opening it, "open it when you get home." I slowly closed the folder back. "Once you've carefully read what's inside you have the option to decide how you want to proceed." she rose from her chair making her way to the door. "You should get going now."  I heard the door open from behind me. I looked at the nda then at the folder only tempted to grab one. I grabbed the folder leaving the ripped nda on her desk as a way of letting her know my silence never came from the nda.

__________________________________

Class was long and boring especially without cash for some reason she had been on my mind the entire class period. She showed me a good time last night and she catered to me in ways I've never experienced. I shook myself from entertaining the thought of her any longer as much as cash seems to meet my needs, I'm stuck on the thought of you. For what reason I cannot seem to figure out. you've shown me anything but kindness, even though you seemed to have a lot more patience today, I know that shit will wear off by tomorrow.

I opened my door entering my studio apartment. I usually come home and make tea and go over homework but I'm so eager to see  what's inside this folder that the thought of tea or homework was irrelevant.

I snatched the folder from my bag, sitting in the nook of my opened window where I like to read. I had no clue what was inside or what might be asked of me next, but I made sure to prepare myself for anything. I opened the folder and pulled out the packet.

The heading read intersex.

Before reading any further I looked away. I've heard of this before; I just can't remember where. Failing to retrace my own memory I look back to the packet reading furthermore.

I've read and reread the packet over and over again trying to understand why she has me reading about this. I was looking for obvious clues until it finally clicked. This isn't just some random artifact about intersex people, this is information about her. I swallowed the lump in my throat seeing the graphic pictures. She didn't filter anything, and I can see why she didn't. She wanted me to see exactly what I was getting myself into. She wanted me to be sure that this is what I really wanted.

xoxo