ARE YOU WORTH IT (intersex)

25

After what happened with Cash, I didn't know how I would face HER today. Every time I thought about her, a whirlpool of confusion and guilt churned in my stomach. I knew what I felt for her was wrong—she's married, seems to have a wicked past that I'm not even sure I've fully touched the surface on.

—and Now this thing with cash? It changes things. But the pull toward her was undeniable. I felt it in the way I would lose my breath whenever she looked at me, in the way my insides tingled at her nearness, in the way I couldn't help but crave her presence despite the circumstances.

I spent the entire day at school avoiding her, keeping my head down and pretending to be occupied with my studies. But it didn't matter. She was everywhere—the halls, the library.. even the student lounge room.. is she following me?

I decided that the only place I could really be alone without her lingering around was the bathroom.

After my second lecture I made my way there. Happily to see the bathroom was empty and quiet. I looked at myself through the mirror, I was a nervous wreck. I splashed cold water on my face, trying to calm myself down, but it didn't help. All I could think about was what cash said

I'm torn between what I know is right and wrong and everything about this— about Ms jones, was wrong.

I was drying my hands when the door creaked open behind me.

"Steph?" her voice was low, edged with a coolness that sent a shiver down my spine. My heart began to pound in my chest as I slowly turned to face her. "You've been avoiding me since the weekend." she says standing just inside the doorway, her dark eyes locked on mine with an intensity that always made my knees weak. I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice, but the words were stuck in my throat. I knew I should say something, anything to keep her at arm's length. She began to pace herself towards me, her gaze never leaving mine. "Why?," she questioned , her voice softer now, almost concerned. "Talk to me."

I shook my head, taking a step back, but the cool tile wall behind me stopped me in my tracks. "It's nothing," I managed to choke out, but the lie was flimsy. "I've just been busy."

"Busy?" She questioned as she took another step closer, closing the distance between us "you're lying."

I wanted to push her away, to tell her to leave me alone, but the words wouldn't come. My body was betraying me, drawn to her despite the voice in my head screaming at me to leave but she was right in front of me, so close I could feel her breath on my skin. She placed a hand on the wall beside my head, trapping me in. She leaned in just enough that our faces were inches apart. "I expect the truth this time." She takes a deep breath before beginning again "Why are you avoiding me" she repeated, her voice barely more than a whisper now. Her eyes bore into mine, and I could see the conflict in them—she's concerned but there's also a look of worry..

"Im not." I lied again, my voice trembling. "I swear." I say trying to sound more convincing.

She sighed, her breath warm against my face, she pulls back just enough to look me in the eye, her expression hardening.

"Why don't I believe you," she asked, her voice cold again. "Stephanie please."

The sound of her pleading my name on her lips made my heart race. I was struggling to hold back the flood of emotions threatening to spill over. I wanted to tell her everything—about Cash, about the fear and confusion—but the words wouldn't come. Because if I confessed, there would be no turning back.

—the truth is , I'm scared of what she might say...what she might confess.

"Please," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "Just leave... leave me alone." But even as I said the words, I knew they were a lie. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her to stay, I could see in her eyes that she knew it too.

For a moment, she just stared at me, her expression unreadable. Then, without a word, she leaned closer, her lips brushing my ear as she whispered, "I can't." My breath hitched, and I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by the rush of emotions. Her nearness was intoxicating, and I felt myself losing control. "I don't think I can ever leave you alone." She began again.

I gasp at her hand placement on my lower back attempting to draw me in. "I-" I struggle to find words. I'm struggling between a majority of different emotions that I can't quite articulate or grasp. It's overwhelming, all of it. She has this way about her that confuses me. Everything about her screams danger but then theres moments like this when she's so vulnerable it's hard to resist. the walls I've built around myself began to shatter into a million pieces. I felt dizzy, and my emotions were swirling uncontrollably,  a quick glimpse of cash's cry for help echoed in my ear reminding me of why I've built walls to begin with I quickly restrained myself pulling away a little..

"What did you do to Cash?" I ask, my voice sharp, cutting through the haze of confusion and desire.

She jerked back, her eyes widening in genuine confusion. "Excuse me?" she finally spoke,

My gaze was fierce, my heart pounding as I searched her face for any sign of deception. "Cash came to my apartment. She was out of it— all drugged up and She mentioned you. What's going on? What did you do to her?"

Her expression shifted rapidly from shock to something more guarded, her features hardening as she struggled to mask her emotions. She took a step back, her hand falling away from my body as if it had been burned. "Steph, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Her denial was too practiced, too immediate, and I could see the cracks in her façade. 

"Don't lie to me. I need to know the truth. Cash was really scared."

She looked around the bathroom, "is this some kind of joke? Is this why you've been acting strange? because you think I had something to do with your little friend's drug problem?" her posture was tense, I could tell she was getting upset but she quickly took a deep breath, visibly trying to compose herself. "Look, I don't know what's happening with your friend Cash, but I can assure you, I have nothing to do with it."
Her eyes, though calm, held a depth of something I couldn't quite place—was it guilt? or something more sinister? I wanted to push further, to demand answers, but the look on her face, the mixture of cold detachment and something that resembled sorrow, made me hesitate.

"You're not being honest with me," I said, my voice raspy despite my best efforts to sound assertive. "I've seen your Polaroids! At the lake house. i seen the drugs. You cant convince me that the two don't correlate."

Her eyes widened at my choice of words Her gaze quickly dropped to the floor, her fingers clenching into fists at her sides. She seemed to struggle with something internal before finally meeting my eyes again, her voice soft and strained. "Steph, are you really trying to piece together what's happening now to something that was over a decade ago?" Her words only deepened the pit of unease in my stomach.

—maybe she's right.

"Well it doesn't take away from the fact that you keep secrets that not only has been affecting me but it seems to be affecting the people I care about."

Her eyes were unreadable, "my goodness! Stephanie," she took a deep sigh before finishing. "can you just trust me on this?."

"Why should I trust you?" I asked, my voice cracking. "When all you do is keep secre-"

"Because I've never lied to you." She desperately cut me off. "I know I don't tell you much and trust me I wish I could but the things I have admitted—the things I have confessed have all been the truth. I know you want to know everything — about me and my past but sometimes not knowing is safer."

I sighed as I stared up at her looking down at me. She isn't gonna budge and that's so fucking frustrating But for some reason her choice of words has me under a spell... despite how eager I am to know the truth-

I trust her?

Xoxo