True Love's Bite

33 // Chameleon

My aunt left two instructions regarding her funeral while she was still alive: mainly, for her funeral not to be prolonged, and to celebrate her life. She requested to be buried the very next day after her actual death, and for a feast to be held in celebration of her life.

Perhaps for the community she spent her entire life serving, it was a merry event.

But that was not the case for the rest of us, my mother masked her grief with chatter, jokes, and laughter, and slipped quite a few times and called for my aunt. She was deep in denial, and more than anything, she was drowning in guilt because she dedicated her entire life to pushing away her only sister.

As for me, my entire world turned gray. The world was colourless and lifeless, everything in me had died. I was also plagued by the guilt of the way I treated her the last time I saw her.

Although she had said returning to my parents was for my own sake, I couldn't help the feeling that she had abandoned me. Now that I thought about it, I wondered if she knew this was going to happen. Did she know she was going to die?

"Hey," Karabo greeted as she joined me under the tree in my aunt's backyard. "I thought you would have left by now."

I wanted to go to the hospital, but I was also worried about my mother and I did not want to leave her by herself. I thought my sister couldn't make it as it was a short notice, I only learned last night that she wouldn't be joining us because her husband-to-be has been ill for weeks, and they had to leave the province and go to his ancestral home for his recovery.

"I'll go once everyone has left, probably a bit later."

I honestly dreaded going to the hospital because of the bill, I still couldn't believe Silas left me in a heap of debt.

My mother was busy chatting with some of the community members when she spotted me, and her eyes lit up, but she was soon lost in the crowd as someone pulled her into a group discussion.

"How did you do it?" Karabo sent me a quizzical glare, and I quickly voiced out, "Your husband, you said you lost your husband."

Her eyes grew wide for a second, her lips hanging apart, and then she closed her mouth and faced forward. "Oh!" She echoed, followed by a light chuckle. "I don't know. There's no manual for grief, I guess there gets a time where you learn to live with the pain, but at the same time you have the courage to go on with your life; as harsh as it may sound, life has to go on for those left behind. I had to keep going, and I found my strength and a reason to live, in my daughter." She tilted her head in my direction, a solemn smile on her face with tears reflected in the redness of her eyes. "It still hurts because his death left a huge gap in my heart, it still feels like a huge part of me died with him. But at the same time, I have something more precious to live for." She heaved a shaky breath and relaxed back in her seat as if a heavy load had been lifted off her shoulders.

Going to the cemetery left me in a way I could not describe, I could not get the image of those little graves scattered on one side of the cemetery out of my head. My heart froze in fear, while at the same time I realised how lucky I am to still have my child.

"Do you ever feel a sense of failure?"

"Every single day. Remember when I told you that I joined the police force because it was a great opportunity?" How could I ever forget? That was the day we met. "I lied." I stared at her, my heart dropping. "It sounds much better than telling people what a failure I am. How do I tell the world that I joined the force in hopes to get justice for my husband?"

I gaped at her, not sure how to take her news, a part of me felt deceived, while the bigger part understood where she was coming from. "But... I thought you said he died in a motorcycle accident."