I Choose You

I Knew You Were Trouble

"I think, I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories which all comes back ... but he never does. I think a part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen ... it's not really anything he said or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it, and crazy thing I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again, but I dunno if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright ... but I just thought: how could the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks ... so much like an angel when he smiles at you? ... Maybe, he knew that when he saw me ... I guess I just lost my balance I think the worst part of it all wasn't losing him ... it was losing me."

- Taylor Swift "I Knew You Were Trouble"

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"Hey, Gracie!" My co-worker Abby called out to me using a name she had assumed was mine. The truth was Abby didn't know my real name. She never bothered to learn it. And, I never worked up the courage to correct her.

"Can you close for me tonight?" Abby asked sweetly, placing a tray full of dirty dishes on the counter in front of me. Her bright green eyes burned with the hope that I'd cave into her request again, for the third night in a row.

I wanted to tell her no. It had been a long day at The Maine Tearoom. A day filled with rude customers and hours on my feet. It was the kind of day, which required a hot bath, a good book, and hot chocolate to unwind. The combination was a perfect cure for most of my daily ailments.

Looking at the plea written across Abby's face, I convinced myself that an extra thirty minutes wouldn't hurt — even though my aching feet argued otherwise. "Yeah, I can close for you." Much to my dismay, the words tasted sour coming out of my mouth. I nearly retracted my words — nearly.

She knew I would cave in. After all, I always did.

Abby tried to smile at me in gratitude but the gesture came across as disingenuous. Her glossy lips were curved up too far and they did not hold their form for long. In a flash, any emotion was erased from her face.

She got what she wanted. There was no reason for pretending anymore.

I repeated to myself that this was the last time. I would never let her put me in such a position again. I would tell her 'no' next time and stand my ground. Even as the words cycled through my mind, I wasn't convinced. If she were to ask me to close for her tomorrow, the truth was that I would.

Growing up, my mother had always told me that my inability to say 'no' was my weakness and would end up getting me into a lot of trouble one day.

Not many in my life understood exactly what denying someone did to me. Whenever I would tell people 'no' an immediate sense of guilt would wash over me, constricting my airways to a point that it was hard to breathe. The remorseful feeling twisted inside of me, consuming all my thoughts, to the point where I would end up doing what someone had asked.

My parents had always feared people would take advantage of me. Honestly, they were justified in their worry because whenever someone realized I can't say 'no', they used it to their advantage. I knew it but knowing sometimes is not enough to change.

After collecting her things from the back, Abby grabbed her peacock blue, wool coat from a hook by the front door. "I owe you, Gracie."

I saw a flash of her fake smile again before she began to hurriedly put on her thick coat.

Abby was fishing out a pair of gloves from her coat pocket when I spoke.

"It's not a big deal," I falsely stated as I mindlessly wiped a part of the counter with the rag in my hand. My eyes glanced over at the tray of dirty dishes Abby left on the counter. Great, guess those are my responsibility to put in the dishwasher now.