When the Past Returns

This is What Brought Us Together

SEPTEMBER 2010

I sit outside, watching the boys play with Hunter. Gunner and June are in college now, so it's just me, Nikki, Storm, Decker, Ashtyn, Frankie-Jean, Teagon, Cameron, and Hanley. Nikki and I have this on and off relationship. We've tried talking about it before the kids went off to college, but I got pissed off and left. We aren't exactly engaged anymore, but we aren't broken up. Nikki made me so happy before any of this shit happened. The album released and was a hit, they went on tour twice and that was a hit, he had his last kids from me. What else does he want? "Boys, come inside. It's snack time." I say, waiting for them to get in before I do. Today marks the 7th year I lost James. Nobody knows about him except for June and Ash and when somebody asks about the kid tattooed on my leg, I simply say it's just a relative. "Momma, when we're done, we can come back?" Cam asks, taking off his shoes. "Yeah, but, you have to wait a bit. You don't want to throw it back up." I say, taking out the apples, pears, cherries, and strawberries. "Momma, Hunter is in the street!" Hanley yells, pointing to the road. Sure enough, Hunter was in the road, sniffing a dead squirrel. "Hold on. I'll be back." I say, putting everything down. "I've got it!" Cameron yells, taking off towards Hunter. But, the dog runs off. Wait, this wasn't Hunter. "Cameron, wait! Cameron!" I run after him. He doesn't stop. The dog continues to run in the road, Cameron following him. "Cameron Blake Sixx, stop running. Get out of the road!" I yell. I was running as fast as I could with a messed up ankle. I heard a horn honked, a child's scream, and a crash. "Cameron!" I fell, but scramble back up. "Oh my god, I am so sorry." The person driving gets out of the car. Cameron was bleeding. There so much blood. I pulled him into my arms and rocked him back and forth. "Momma, it hurts. I hurt." He says, weakly. "Sh, baby. Don't speak." I say, crying hard. "I'll call 911." The lady says.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Please don't take my sunshine away" I sing, my voice breaking as the tears roll down my face. "Abby? Abby, what's going on? What the hell happened?" Nikki comes to my side. The next thing I hear is his sobs. "Oh my god, baby, why wasn't I here? I could've helped. Why wasn't I here?" He was beating himself up, but I was too sad to do anything. Our son was hurting. He was dying in my arms. "They're on their way. I'm so sorry. What can I do?" The lady asks. "What the fuck do you think you can do? You can't go out and replace him like you could replace a mailbox or a bush. This is our son! Fuck!" Nikki screams. "Daddy..." Cameron was barely breathing and he hated seeing Nikki this way. "What is it? Cammy, what is it?" Nikki asks, holding his son's hand. I hang my head and crying as quiet as I could. "Keep Momma safe. I love you. I love you, Momma and Daddy." He says, taking his last breath before closing his eyes. Nikki's eyes. "Cam? Cameron, come on. Open your eyes. Open your eyes for Mommy and Daddy. Come on. Cammy? Cammy!" I tighten my grip on him. "Abby, Abby, he's g-gone." Nikki says, crying on my back. "He can't be. Nikki, he can't be!" I yell. This was my little boy. I can't lose him.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. Cobb, Mr. Sixx." One of the neighborhood kids' parents says, coming up to us. I nod and fake smile, breaking again. I don't know how much longer I could do this. Nikki pulls me into him. "Let it out." He whispers. I didn't have much left in me. The night Cameron died, we all slept in the same bed, I slept in the bathroom, throwing up. I was so disgusted with myself. How could I let that happen? I deserved to be where Cammy is now. Gunner and Jumiper had came home and they took care of me the best they could. I refused the help. But, now they're lowering the casket. The small casket in which our two year old lay. I was sobbing again. "Momma, Cammy is still with us. He's okay." Hanley says with a smile on his tear-stained face. I smile the best I could at him.

"Abigail, eat some." Nikki says, handing me a slice of pepperoni pizza. I shake my head and head to the bathroom. "Abby, I'm serious. You haven't eaten since the accident." He says. "I don't care." My voice was rough, scratchy. "I do. Please eat. Abby, please." He says. "It'll come back up. There's no point in eating." I say. He walks in. I was laying in the tub with my clothes on and the water filling the tub. "Abigail, I don't know what you're planning, but please don't do it." He says, taking me face in his hands. He takes my hands and lifts me up. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Undressing you. If you're taking a bath, I'm taking one with you, we need a bonding time." He says, reaching for the bottom of my shirt. I was shaking. He takes it off and tosses it on the floor, followed by my shorts. I do the same to him and trace his tattoos. "You got one for him." My voice cracking. I trace over the newest addition. A portrait of our sons. "Of course, I did." He says, looking down at me. Under Cammy's portrait was his date of birth and date of death. He gets in the tub with me and we sit, relaxing a little. "This is my fourth death." I say after our silence. "Your mother, father, and Cammy. Who's the fourth?" He says, wiggling his toes. "I got married to Jacob years ago and we had a boy, James. We visited his family for a while, but stayed in a hotel. James was screaming and I couldn't get to him, so I asked Jacob to get him and he got mad. He took him, threw him in the hotel pool and James drowned. We were barricaded in the room until somebody got us. June called the police while me and his sister went after him. That's the kid on my leg." I explain, looking at the bubbles. "I'm sorry, Abby. He died when?" He asks, holding my hand. "The day Cammy died." I say, crying again. That's when he kissed me. The kiss made me feel like everything was somewhat alright again. It didn't change the fact that our kid was dead. That there was no way our son was coming back. But, it made it feel a little pushed back. It made me feel a little less stressed. And that's how Nikki and I became engaged again.