When the Past Returns

Releasing the Caged Beast

OCTOBER 2012

They had me locked up for two years. Two motherfucking years. Can you believe that? I was on suicide watch and put on anti-depressant pills. Dude, I'm fucking 54 years old, I don't need pills. I'm not depressed. I was pissed off that nobody believed me. Nikki convinced them to let me out early, thank god. I'm being discharged today, getting my last rounds of activities before I go. "Abigail, did you take your pills this morning?" Mrs. Marie asks, wheeling in on her rolling, computer chair. "Yes, I did." I say, folding the extra sheets I was given last night. "Good. We want you to keep taking those and reporting back to your doctor." She says, filling out a paper attached to a clipboard. I just nod, ready to leave. Nikki better have brought me food. According to the nurses, my kids aren't allowed in and Nikki was allowed two visits during my two year stay. That was seriously fucked up. Nikki's visits were watched and were for 20 minutes. He couldn't hold me, kiss me, or even hug me. Not only that, but my mother died in the house, Michael was too devastated to leave, and someone bought the ranch I was going to buy for Nikki. "Mrs. Marie, he's here for her. Bring her down and all her papers. Leave nothing behind." Mr. Nelson says over the intercom to my room. "Yes, Mr. Nelson." She says, pushing a button. She puts me in a wheelchair, I give her a look, and I'm wheeled to the elevator. She pushes the 'down' button, we wait. "Are you ready to go home?" She asks. "Yes, god knows I've been waiting for this moment. Your stupid policy of no kids and no touching is fucking annoying." I say, wiggling my toes in my slippers.

"Language, Ms. Cobb. Please, remember that this is a safe language zone." She says, leaning down to say it with power in my ear. "Look, Mrs. Marie, I do not care for your rules or your policies. From the moment I was wheeled in, I've gotten two visits from my fiancé and I wasn't allowed visits from my kids. What is that? How is that safe? That's going to drive me insane!!" I shout, standing up and walking into the elevator. I wait until she's on and push the button to the ground. "Come now, Abigail. They're waiting for you." She says, grabbing my arm, roughly. We went through some doors and she talked to some other nurses while I impatiently stood there. The last set of double doors were coming into view and I could feel a smile spread across my face. I jerk my arm free, run through the doors, and see the bright lobby. There was no one, except for some nurses. "Nikki? Where's my fiancée?" I ask. "Who?" The newest and laziest of the crew asks. "The man with lots of tattoos and black hair." I say. "Oh, I don't know. Haven't seen him. Probably left you here so he didn't have to deal with you anymore." She says, smacking her gum. "He's here to pick me up." I say. "I never saw him." She says, looking at me.

"Ms. Cobb, your fiancée is right here. We were just going over your stay with us." Dr. Nelson says, closing a door behind him. Nikki smiles at me, but it didn't reach his eyes. There was something going on. As Nikki signed papers, I sat in one of the chairs. "Abby, let's go." He says, holding my hand. I nod, letting him take me. I got in the car and we started our drive home. "You hungry?" He asks. "Yeah." "Okay, what're you in the mood for?" He asks. "Chick-Fil-A sound good to you?" I ask, staring out the window. "That sounds good." He says, grabbing my hand and kissing it. "You know, Abigail, no matter what's happened to you, you're still the person I saw back in '81. You're still that strong and brave woman that I've been in love with no matter how many times I fuck up. I still beat myself up over it. Over getting you hooked on herion all those years ago. That fucking sucked. But, you quit and tried to get me to quit, too. But, I wouldn't let you do it. Then, I got on Mick because he had you drinking so much. I fucked with him because he had you drinking so much. I had you hooked onto herion! When I got married, I wasn't thinking about anything else. I thought, "Yeah, I'm happy. This is what love is." That isn't what love is. What love is, is when the person that loves you loves you so much that they'll take you no matter what condition you're in. I wasn't thinking about you, I thought you didn't care. I was so full of myself I thought I could get more girls than Vince and I went after you because you were the strong willed girl. When you say 'no', you mean no. You shot Vince down the second he asked and when I did, we did it. I thought I could get anyone I wanted. After talking to Tommy, I realized you only did it because you loved me. You were in love with me. God, I felt so stupid. I got married and had kids with this woman, but I didn't have you. That woman wasn't you. You came back and you had a baby. I was so pissed. I thought about who the guy was and how I'd kill him for touching you. Then, I saw her. She looked exactly like you, but when I pulled out her birth certificate, she had my last name. Yes, I did snoop when I was in your house a few times. She had my eyes and she acted like me. So, she must've been mine. You left with another guy, but before you left you got pregnant. I knew this kid was mine before you came back. I wasn't drunk, but you were. You came back with the boy and he looked like me. Finally, when you came to live with us, I had you. We had our third baby. It took me that fucking long to realize none of my girlfriends or wives loved me or cared for me. They wanted my money. You, you care for me. You love me. You wouldn't have given me these beautiful little creatures if you didn't. You wouldn't greet me every time I came home from a tour. You wouldn't forgive me for every mistake I make. Just know, Abby, that I have loved you through everything we've been through and I still love you. I believed you and I went after that guy. We got him. There's nothing to worry about. I'll be with you until you no longer want me." Nikki says, keeping my hand against his chest. I kiss his cheek as we pull into the Chick-Fil-A parking lot. "Stop making me cry, Nikki." I say, smiling.

We walk in, order our food, and sit down. "So, there's a few changes that's been made." Nikki says, taking a sip of his soda. "What changes?" I ask, eyeing him. "Well, Gunner dropped out of college. Derrick and June plan to get married soon. They were waiting till you got out. Ashtyn found himself a girlfriend from some group counseling in an after school program. And there's one more thing, we moved." Nikki says, playing with the straw wrapper. "What do you mean? Explain everything." I say, shocked. "Gunner wants to make music so he dropped out. Derrick and June want to get married. I was against it. But, June is like me and wants everything her way. Ash is well Ash. And with nearly everybody back in the house again, we need a bigger house." Nikki says, grabbing my hand. "How's everybody else?" I ask. "They're all good." He says, smiling. "Okay. I'm trusting you." I say. He gets our food and we begin to eat. "Oh my god. Hey, guys. What're you doing here?" Someone asks, hugging me. "Hey, June. Derrick." Nikki says, a slight nod of his head. Oh, that's who it was. "Mom, this is Derrick. We're getting married soon so we hope you'll be there. You know, no more accidents that send you to the nuthouse." She says. "Juniper, what the hell?" Nikki says. "You're on cocaine." I say, finally realizing. "Fuck off, Mom. Of course, you'd know. You were so hooked on drugs back when Dad was, you'd know everything about this type of shit, right?" She says. "Juniper, that isn't the way to talk to your mother." Derrick says. "Eh, fuck you too." She says, leaving. "Sorry." He follows her. "Oh my god. She's on drugs. Nikki, she's on drugs. What the fuck are we going to do?!"