When the Past Returns

Final Changes

With the SOLA album, the CrueFest tour, and the twins coming all soon, we were all scrambling. Nikki was gone a lot of the time and missed a lot of the appointments. I'm in my 27th week of pregnancy with the twins. It's a lot. I'm due in April, so it'll be before any release date or touring. Nikki should be there. But, currently he's in the studio while the kids are here at home with me. For Christmas, Nikki bought me an Australian Shepard puppy. He's the cutest thing. "Mom, there's this really cool party I want to go to. Can I?" Gunner asks. He just turned 17, January 25th and now he's all about the parties. "You have to ask Dad. We are a two parent decision tea-" "It doesn't matter whether or not I ask Dad. He'll shrug it off because he doesn't care. He's never home anymore, he never spends time with us anymore. He was late to my birthday party, Mom, the one he helped plan with you. It's my last year as a kid. I don't want to worry about not seeing him. This sucks. I'm sorry, Mom. I wanted to get this off my chest for a really long time. I love Dad. He's everything to me, to us. But, it sucks being in this house, knowing he's with these fans, with his friends, our uncles, and never spending any time with us, his real family." Gunner says, looking like he was on the verge of a breakdown. "Gun, come here. Dad loves us. You know that, of course. Nobody has to tell you that. Everybody knows that Dad loves us. He's really busy, that's all. Remember during Generation Swine? Well, maybe not. You were young. Donna was around. She had a kid close to your age. Maybe then you didn't realize what could happen. But, Dad is busy. He's going to come home. He's just writing music. I've seen what you've been writing. I didn't mean to invade, I really didn't. I was just checking up on everyone and your light was on. But, you see how hard it is to write music. Dad's been doing this for quite a while. When this is all over, when the album's been released and the tour is over, we'll have our family again. No worries, okay?" I say, keeping him close. I remember him laying his head on my lap when he'd have a bad dream and I'd go to his room to find him, crying.

"Mom, I felt the babies kick. That was weird." He laughs, nervously. "Yeah, they do that. They love you. It's their sign of love for now. When they're born, it'll be hair pulling and screaming for a diaper change at 2 in the morning." I say with a smile. "Oh, great. I don't miss those days. I remember when Brandi brought home Storm and Decker and how they both cried so much because they wanted food or love or something. When Donna brought Frankie-Jean home, it was the same way. She's still the same way. You brought Teagon home and I expected the same thing. But, all I saw was Teagon never laid down unless she was asleep. She rarely cried. I was so surprised, Mom, you have no idea." He says, astonished. "I try to keep my kids happy. That's what I'm trying with you and your brothers and sisters. It's a lot of work on me. Dad's gone a lot and it's just me. There's going to be nine of you. Nine, and I have to keep every single one of you happy. But, soon you'll be off to college, followed by June and two years after, Storm will follow. I won't have my babies anymore." I say. "You're the best Mom anyone can ask for. We all love you." He says, giving me a hug the best he could. "I love you and all you siblings, too, Gun." I say, hugging him and kissing his forehead.

Gunner and Juniper were off at the party, while Storm, Decker, Ashtyn, Frankie-Jean, and Teagon laid in bed with me, watching TV. Tiggy was still crying from earlier when she fell off the slide at the park and scrapped her knee and elbow. I put band-aids on them after washing them a little, but because of where they are, they hurt to bend her arm and leg. "Hey, guys! I'm home!" Nikki shouts from the entryway. "Daddy!!" Everybody yells, jumping off the bed and running to greet him. "How was recording?" I ask after waddling in. "Babe, you shouldn't be out of bed, Doc's orders." He says, putting his hand on the lower part of my back and taking my hand, guiding me back to bed. "Nikki, where have you been?" I ask. The smell of a lady's perfume fills my nose and makes me sneeze. "Bless you." Storm says, getting me a tissue. "Thank you, honey. Take your siblings up to your room, please." I say, calmly. "Okay." She looks so scared, so unsure, so nervous. "It'll be okay. Don't worry." I say. She nods, taking the hands of the smaller kids and leading them up the stairs to her room. I drag Nikki to our room and slam the door. "Where have you been?" I ask, finally letting my anger out. "I was recording." He says, looking worried. "Recording what?" "Music with the guys. Call them if you want." " Why? So they can defend you? Nikki, you smell like a French whore. What the fuck? You can't say it's my perfume. My perfume smells fruity. I wear it for the kids, they like the smell. Did they bring the girls again?" I say, my fists clench at my sides. "Abby, calm down. You're going to hurt yourself. They brought the girls. One of them...one of them reminded me of you, when you were just divorced from David. How you were just so wild and free. And I just th-" "You slept with her. You fucked her." I say, my voice flat. "I'm sorry, Abigail. I wasn't thinking. I'm under so much stress." He says, looking at his hands. "You're under so much stress. Hm. You never have to explain to your kids with broken hearts why Daddy isn't coming home! Gunner asked to go to a party today and I told him to ask you, his reply was you don't care. Nikki, how in the hell do you think he feels? He's 17 years old! He wants his dad around, but you aren't there. It's just some woman pretending to be his mom. You have kids upstairs that wait for you day and night, but you don't come home until they're passed out in bed. And it pisses me off that I'm here at home, cleaning, cooking, caring for our fucking kids, you know, the ones that aren't mine, but I've taken up as mine because I love them nonetheless and the ones we've made together, while you're out doing whatever the fuck it is you do when I'm not around. This is what I'm going to marry. Can you fucking believe that?! I fucking can't! I thought you had changed. I thought you had gotten rid of that lifestyle. I was wrong." I say, crying.

The bedroom door opens and my vision is so blurred with tears, I can't make out if Nikki walked out or not. "Mom, stop crying. God, Dad, what the hell did you do?" Gunner had his arms wrapped around me, moving me towards somewhere. "June, get me some cloths. What was going on?" He asks as he wipes my eyes. "Gunner, thank god you're home!" I sigh and hug him. It was a relief. "Yeah, we didn't want to stay out too late. But, what was going on? Mom, you have to tell me. I never see Dad cry and you've hurt yourself pretty bad." He says, turning on the faucet. We're in the bathroom, I guess. "What do you mean?" I ask. "Your nails dug into the palm of your hand. You're bleeding a lot. You don't feel that?" He asks, taking my hands and putting them under the cold, running water. I shake my head and hiss when the water hits it. "Now, you do. June, get the keys, we're taking her to the hospital."