(BTS FF) Ending Green

thirty-six ・❥・dear mom

Dear Mom,

hi. 

it's me. Riya.

i'm writing this to you. my therapist said it would be a good idea to write this as a form of closure. she's really nice. i don't think you would like her, but that's okay because i don't think she likes you either.

i was just wondering, but at what point did i stop being a human being to you? i was a kid. i promise i was, even if i can't remember most of my childhood.

sometimes i think i did something wrong to make you hate me so much or if i didn't do enough, but my therapist said how you treated me wasn't my fault. she said i was just a child, and it wasn't my job to worry about being enough for you. she said i shouldn't have been watching for your next move. she said i shouldn't have had to act like the parent. she said it was your job.

i don't think you liked your job very much. maybe that's why you picked up odd jobs in the neighborhood. maybe you were trying to get away from me. maybe that's why you wanted to visit Hawaii. maybe you would have stayed and never looked back.

but i have good news.

i have a boyfriend. his name is jungkook. he's really nice.

did you know that men can be nice? i didn't know. not until him. not until my friends. maybe you didn't know that. maybe that's why you stayed with Ren. my dad. 

i looked up his name. yours, too. did you know that in Japan, the lotus is the Buddhist symbol of purity and perfection? that's what dad's name means. it's a little ironic, isn't it, since he took my purity away from me? i don't know. i think it is ironic. what about you?

your name means 'defender of men'. that one makes sense for you, i think. you always defended him instead of me. 

i wish you weren't so mean. i wish you didn't defend men, but maybe that's what you were destined to do when you were given your name. i don't know. i hope that's not true.

were you hurt as a child, mom? is there a version of you who would be kind to me? if so, what age? ten, twenty, twenty-five? when did you start being an abuser? when did you decide a child's life didn't hold meaning?

i wonder if we would've been friends as kids. my therapist tells me it's not good to ruminate on the what if's, but sometimes i'll think about it. it makes me smile sometimes. i don't know. the thought of a nice Ryna is a nice thought.

mom, i wish i could forget you. i wish that i could forget the good and the bad. it would make it so much easier, but it's painful because cruel mothers are still mothers, and a part of me must still remember being in your stomach for nine months, because why else do i still cry when i think of you?

were you kind to me before i was born? i hope so. i guess it doesn't really matter now though, does it? that was such a long time ago. birthdays are supposed to be nice, you know. you weren't supposed to show up and ruin mine. you won't be around to see another one. i hope that's true.

i know you're my mother, mom, but i still hope i never have to see you again. even with all of these complicated feelings. even if i have so many questions, i can't trust you for any of the answers.

my therapist says i don't need answers for closure. maybe i don't. maybe i just need to never see you again.

dear mom, 

just a few more things.

you didn't treat me dearly often, but i remember the times you did, and they'll never happen again. do you know why that is? because after you would leave my bed, my father came into it, and you just closed and locked the door on your way out.

i've had to keep my door unlocked ever since i left that house. the house you called home, but i swear four walls have never felt so suffocating.

i'm still scared my father will lock me in the basement with his friends, or you'll lock the door when i'm crying and leave me to rock, or that you'll lock the door when my father is in my bed with me. 

you're not even here anymore, but i still have to leave every door open an inch just in case. just in case someone comes in and I have to run. you can't run when all the doors are locked. 

i only lock the doors when i'm sleeping, when i'm sure i'm alone, but other than that, mom, it's always unlocked. it's because of you, because of him, because of his friends.

i think i might hate you. i really think i might.

i wish you didn't treat me kindly at all. it would be easier to hate you.

it's unfair that 19 years of my life were spent being tortured, because that's what it is, wasn't it? torture. 

well. 

i think i'm going to stop writing this now. 

and i'm going to burn it and jump in its ashes. 

if reincarnation is real, i hope the next version of you will regret what you did to me in this life. i doubt you'll remember, but i can barely remember now, so i guess it's fine. i'm not sure what to do if it's not fine, so i guess it is, because at least it's over. at least now you're behind bars. 

now your door is locked, and now you can't get out. the only difference is you're an adult, and i was a child.

goodbye, mom.