Can't Love Christmas

December 17th - 8:59pm

To: Cassiope@gomail.com

From: Ash10@gomail.com

Subject: I already know what you're going to say

Don't say it. Just don't say it.

I know what you're thinking.

I know I'm breaking all the rules, sending two emails in one day. I know Alice said not to do this. Warned me against it. Well boo-fucking-hoo. I'm supposed to be working on letting you go, but I don't fucking care right now.

There's a jealous beast inside of me. I saw him with another woman. So what did I do? First, I slipped on the sidewalk. Then, I went home. I screamed. I cried. I wallowed in self pity on the couch and then made the healthy choice and took my wallowing into the fresh air of the park.

I even thought about getting a dog. Yeah, yeah, I know. But I was lonely. I just want one thing to love me for who I am.

I probably scared him away with my ridiculous crying last night. He knows I'm crazy now. We could have just laughed about the collapse, and instead I cried. WHY? I'm disappointed in myself knowing that it's probably because I didn't get the perfect Instagram photo first. What the actual fuck has happened to me? Old Ash would have preferred that turn of events.

I know I said I wasn't expecting anything, and I wouldn't get attached because I know he doesn't do that, but I am struggling right now.

I shouldn't be. Rowan didn't betray me like he-who-deserves-a-perpetual-limp-dick, but it still burns around my heart. No. I didn't have spicy food for lunch.

Everything I feel right now feels different than it did with you-know-who. He let me in, made me comfortable, and then destroyed me. Rowan kept his walls up like I've kept mine, but he makes me feel safe.

My traitorous heart is disobeying my brain. My brain knows it will never work between us. My heart can't stop thinking about that hug.

Yesterday, that hug gave me life. Today, that hug is destroying me.

And why? Because I saw him step out of a store holding someone else's hand? The hand I know is always warmer than you expect it to be, but not so warm to be uncomfortable.

The hand I want holding mine.

The hand that someone else gets to enjoy.

FUCK

Rowan and I are just so different. I want the perfect Instagram, he doesn't even use social media. He's a Miska boy through and through, the heart of the community even if he refuses to see it, and I'm just a long term tourist. I mean, yeah, maybe I will make Miska my home, but at this point it's more likely I'll head back home eventually. Or to a different big city with more opportunities to meet someone. I don't think I could handle a partner who's flying in and out all the time for work. There's only so many single, appropriately aged and worthwhile men in a small town. Unfortunately, Rowan has outshone all of the rest here.

I think last night's hug was a goodbye hug. And that's what kills me. He hasn't said anything about anyone else, but he's been honest with me that he's not looking for commitment. If he is, he'll call the whole thing off with me. So who knows. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and he'll tell me we can't hang out anymore.

That's fine. He can't make me do the Polar Bear Dip if he does that.

I guess I found the brightside after all.

Nope. Not bright enough. I'm going to eat an ice cream and Bailey's sundae now. I'm going to watch the Nightmare Before Christmas, snuggle up on my couch, have a hot shower, and maybe I will even go to work tomorrow.

No, of course I'll go to work. I can't face calling Sadiq and telling him I need a sick day because I'm heartbroken over someone who never even pretended to want my heart. How pathetic is that?

Probably just about as pathetic as this email. But I'm not apologizing for it. Not even to Alice. I'm venting, and there is no one else I can vent to. No one I can trust.

Life sure didn't turn out the way we pictured, huh?