Can't Love Christmas

January 1 - 1:43am

To: Cassiope@gomail.com

From: Ash10@gomail.com

Subject: I WAS WRONG

Happy New Year!

So, in a shocking turn of events, I am starting the year off by admitting I was wrong. So so wrong.

I was in denial. I didn't think I could have nice things.

But APPARENTLY Rowan was very much into me. Still is. So, naturally, we got together at midnight on NYE. Not just a midnight kiss. It's legit. But that's our little secret for now. Not sure how long it will stay a secret in this town, but we'll try.

I'm sitting at the bar while the party is winding down, and I just needed to tell someone, and you are the only one who can't be totally unbearable about it right now being all "I told you so" and all that shit. And as much as I wish you could be, that's just not the way the universe thought it should be.

I think I need to start trusting the universe again. I got burned in love once, but without that, I wouldn't be happy right this minute. Without losing you, I wouldn't even be in this place to meet this man with a chokehold on my heart.

Right now, I feel better than I have in a long time. At peace. I didn't expect this, but I'm not going to resist it. I deserve the chance to be happy. I think you want that for me too. I need to start looking towards the future, and stop being afraid of the void left in it without you. Change can be good. I need to start trusting that.

Henceforth, I put my trust in the universe. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I will never totally forgive it for what it's done to me, but I have to believe things will work out. I can't be scared any more. I need to let go of the past. It's taken me so long to see that as hard as it's been to be without you, I've forgotten the most basic things I love about you.

You never would have let me get away with this. You would have pushed me to move on. To find the next joys in life. You can't have joy without any sadness. It's time for joy. And love.

I love you, Cass. I will continue to miss you every single day. I know you'll be with me when I need you most, but I'm going to live like you from now on, out of your shadow and into your light.

I might not write so much anymore, but I don't think you'll mind. I'm ready for what's next. The universe has something good and big planned for me.

And right now, I think it has everything to do with the gorgeous man looking at me across his bar.

Holy shit these were deep thoughts for semi-drunk me to have at a party. Thank goodness for autocorrect to fix my typos for me. He needs to shut this place down and take me home. Screw it, I'm gonna ring the bell for last call myself. I'm not waiting 15 more minutes. I think that's what you'd want me to do.

All my love,

Ash