Can't Love Christmas

Thirty

"So," Rowan started, while Ash took their empty plates to the sink. "If you were with your family right now, what would you be doing? What are your traditions?"

Ash poured them each a second glass of wine, and picked up her glass to go to the couch. "Well, typically we go to my Gran and Pop's house for dinner and we watch It's a Wonderful Life with them. We do our gift exchange, which always involves getting new Christmas pajamas, which we will wear all day on Christmas. We used to get actual gifts, but now we basically get pajamas, chocolates, and some money from them, so it's not the huge ordeal it used to be."

"Sounds nice though."

Ash smiled wistfully into her wine glass. "Yeah, it really is. Did you have traditions?"

"Well," he took a deep breath. "For a long time, we didn't really do anything. We still always went to church, but that was pretty subdued. Everyone there would always give us their condolences, because everyone always remembers the man who died on Christmas. Grandad would often disappear to his office for a few hours, and Grandma would prep some food for Christmas day. She went to bed early, so I usually did too."

Ash reached over to grasp his hand. "I'm sorry Rowan."

"Then later, I started to skip church and I would just hang out. Things got really rough for a while, so I started sneaking into the bar and swiping some whiskey, and I'd hide alone in my room where my grandparents wouldn't bother me. When I was 22, I started travelling and wasn't here for two years, then grandma got sick and it was weird and sad. Once grandad passed I was all alone and now I have no more traditions. I just work then go home."

Ash tried to wipe a tear from her eye, an action Rowan noticed and chuckled at. "Oh no, Ash what's wrong?"

"Nothing. That story was just, so sad."

"I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm ruining someone else's Christmas Eve now. Shit, I am bad at this."

"No, you haven't ruined anything. I'm sorry." She leaned her head onto his shoulder while he took another swig of wine.

"So, you haven't spent Christmas Eve or day with anyone else since?" Ash asked, glad she couldn't make eye contact.

"Well, there was Lacy. But other than that, no. I am glad to be sharing it with you this year."

Ash smiled, and fell silent. After a few minutes, Rowan nudged her with his shoulder and spoke in hushed tones, "Ash, what's on your mind?"

"Uhm," Ash took a deep breath, and debated whether or not to open up.

Rowan prodded again. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me anything. I just thought you should know, I'm happy to spend time with you."

"Thanks. I feel the same. That's not my hold-up. You keep sharing these deep parts of yourself with me, and I want to return the favour."

"Okay."

"It's about why I'm in Miska."

"Oh." Rowan sat up straighter, and placed his wine glass on the table.

Ash took a fortifying breath and began. "So, there was a guy. Oh my god, how cliche is that? Isn't that how it always goes? There was a guy." A self deprecating laugh rushed out of her, and Rowan squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

"Anyways, there was a guy. Carlos. We met in university. I was head over heels in love with him. I thought he felt the same. He was from Brazil, and when we graduated, he didn't have a job so he had to go back home. We didn't technically break up, but I guess we weren't fully together anymore, being thousands of miles apart, with no actual end in sight. He always said he planned to come back, and we stayed close. He always ended our conversations saying he loved me. So I waited for him to come back."