Can't Love Christmas

December 17th - 7:54am

To: Cassiope@gomail.com

From: Ash10@gomail.com

Subject: He gets perverse joy out of our failures.

Cass,

He's killing me slowly and softly.

Gingerbread house building ended up being a complete disaster, because the gingerbread house was a literal disaster. We left it unattended for a minute, and it all fell apart.

Okay, it was more like half an hour, but still. It was fine, and then we came back home to a total mess.

I still don't know how it happened. I supported it with Rice crispy treats and everything. Then I humiliated myself by crying over it. Why am I crying over cookies? What is wrong with me?

Anyways, it got patched back together and the crisis was averted.

But here's the thing. He said he liked it better when it's all broken.

He is rejoicing in our (mostly mine) failures. He even asked for a photo of us with the broken house. He immortalized it, and wouldn't let me look at the photo. Who knows, that might come back to haunt me. I probably looked terrible.

Actually, he's probably going to use it as proof that I lost the bet. "Look at this, how could I have possibly enjoyed your Christmas crap?"

I can't let myself hope there is any other reason he wanted a photo. We know he doesn't do commitment and we are not falling down that rabbit hole. Nope. Nope. Nope.

But, he gave me a hug before he left. I'm telling you, he could wrap me in those arms and keep me there forever, and I would not complain. I guessed as much after the incident at the hotel, but it felt like I've never had a good hug before in my life. Except for yours, obviously. But that's different. And you know, they're unavailable to me.

So, anyways. Yesterday we learned I really need more hugs, but I don't really have anyone to give them to me. And it really sucks. But I'm certain that a hug from Rowan could literally solve anything. Do you think he'd be willing to just give me hugs when the bet is over? I don't need more than that. I swear, it would be enough.

Ash