Can't Love Christmas

Thirty Six

"Holy Shit Ash" Ryan started as soon as they opened the door.

"LANGUAGE!"

Ryan batted away their father's comment like it was inconsequential. "Seriously, that mall is amazing."

Ash stood to greet her family. "Glad you enjoyed yourselves."

"They have all the stores I've ever dreamed of in one place. I didn't realize it would be so much better than home. It soothed my enby soul."

"So I assume you were successful?"

"Oh yeah!" Ryan started ripping clothes from the bags with abandon. There were long and short sleeve button ups, hoodies, and a new pair of doc martens.

"Wow. You did good. Still got room to take it all home with you?"

"Well, the boots might be a problem, but these shoes are pretty old and crappy, so I might just toss them and wear these home."

"As you wish. Do I get to see a fashion show?"

"YES! Be right back!" Ryan ran into Ash's bedroom and slammed the door behind them.

Ash led the rest of her family in and pulled out the charcuterie board and chips she had prepped earlier in the day, and they sat around snacking while they waited for Ryan.

"Reese, what did you get today?" Ash said after swallowing a cracker with salami and cheese on it.

"I got a new game and some sneakers."

"Sweet! Did you do any of the attractions there?"

"Yeah, but they don't have the rollercoaster anymore, so that kinda sucked."

"Well I've heard the waterpark is pretty sweet."

"Maybe. But if we did that we wouldn't have had enough time for shopping. And, obviously you saw how much shopping Ryan wanted to do today. And I don't think they would have been up for a bathing suit today."

"Fair enough." The door from Ash's bedroom flew open, and Ryan waltzed out into the living room wearing a new short sleeve button up covered in, "Are those tigers?"

"Yes! Isn't it amazing?"

"Wow!" Ryan fled back to the bedroom, and the process repeated five more times. There were a few plain shirts and others covered with very large and bold flowers, popsicles, rocket ships, and glasses. When Ryan emerged the final time, they were dressed in an old pair of Ash's pajama pants and the new tie dye hoodie.

Ryan moved to the couch and pushed Reese out of the way to snag the arm rest, and seemed to melt around it. Ash's parents were seated at the island, watching their children with a look of pride in their eyes.

Ash walked over to the couch from her spot in the chair and pushed Reese over even further so she could sit between the twins, happy to be close to both of them even if they were both immersed in their phones.

"Well we should get back to the hotel. It's been a long day. Artoo, are you coming with us?"

Without even looking up from his phone, Reese answered. "Can I stay here and Ryan goes back with you?"

Everyone except Reese looked to Ash, who shrugged in response. "Sure. Couch is always open for one of you."

"What if Rowan were here?" Reese muttered to his screen.

Ash poked him hard in the side and hissed in his ear. "If he were here, you'd be sleeping on the floor because he would be on the couch."

While the rest of the family gathered their things, Ash got the pillows and blankets out for Reese. He had hoped he could stay the night and had stashed his pajamas and toothbrush in his backpack.

They said their goodbyes and Ash and Reese settled on opposite ends of the couch, looking at each other.

"So, have you talked to Penny since you've been out here?"

"Not too much. She's been busy with a bunch of family stuff too."

"Do you miss her?"

"I dunno. Kinda."

"So you two aren't close?"

"Not really. We usually just end up making out with each other, but I've never really taken her on a date. We mostly just send each other snaps."

"Hmm. Do you want to be more with her?"

He shifted in his seat. "I mean, it would be kinda cool I guess. She's out of my league though. I don't want to lose what I have already."

"You should talk to her. See what she thinks. She might want more with you in an emotional way, not just physical. Three months is a long time to just assume things about the person you keep making out with."

"Yeah, I guess." He pauses and picks at his socks. "But like, if I'm dating her, I might have to hang out with her friends too."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Well, mostly they are rich boys. And, well, some of them are assholes. I know Penny doesn't feel the same as them about specific things, but I don't want to hurt Ryan by hanging out with them. I'm afraid I'm gonna punch one of them someday."

"Why?"

"He says a lot of homophobic and transphobic shit. So naturally, he always misgenders Ryan on purpose."

"Gross. Maybe he deserves to be punched then."

"I already got into a fight with him once. It didn't help."

"Yeah, I suppose it wouldn't. Ryan may have mentioned something about that."

Reese sighed. "I just don't get it. Ryan handles it all pretty well. I just hate that they have to deal with it. Why does everyone care so much? I mean, at this point, it's mostly just clothes and hairstyle."

"Ryan is the strongest person I know."

Reese kicked her in the calf. "Don't count yourself out. Ryan learned a lot of that inner strength from you. I'm honoured to have siblings like both of you to look up to."

Ash shook her head. "I'm nothing compared to Ryan."

"Ash," Reese said, "just because your demons are different doesn't make them less than Ryan's. You fight yours alone on the inside. Since coming out, Ryan just has to go out everyday and fight them on the outside."

"That's worse."

"When's the last time you went to therapy? Don't they help you learn anything there?"

"Shut up!" Ash threw a pillow at her brother.

"I'm just saying, my therapist has taught me to be kinder to myself. Maybe you should talk to her."

Ash sighed. "I'm still working on other things with mine."

"Well, I'm going to tell you to be kinder to yourself then. I am so proud of you. You are the best big sister I ever could have asked for. You've dealt with a bunch of tough shit like a champion. And you deserve to have nice things, and to love and be loved in return."

Ash wiped a tear from her cheek. "Thanks, Reese."