Zanokuhle

Chapter 1

ZANOKUHLE.

Chapter 1

The heavy noise and music from outside has me irritated with the fact that it is burying the music that I am listening to through my earphones. One earpiece is louder than the other and I knew just last week that the working date for these ear phones are over. I cannot even borrow a pair from Nomfundo because her mother will start raving about how expensive the earphone she bought from istore cost.Trust me I know very well how much they cost but she cannot argue with those dupes and basically say that they are the original value when Nomfundo and I got them from the same Pakistan shop, its just that she didn’t want to get anything out of order to label her as “poor” in front of her University friends.
I am on the bed reading a piece of work through my phone, the careful swipe through my phone screen is like a work of art as I am trying to rush to the next page and avoid any loose small  glasses from my cracked screen cutting into my skin.  I never last with a phone and in the end of it all it doesn’t have a cracked screen, I am clumsy at times and buying a screen protector is useless to me because the screen still gets damaged through it so it is no use.
I hog the phone as the line of words capture me to carry on reading, it’s what I do after heavy chores and in between my short breaks and relaxing. It’s what I do all day; clean,read and cook too. Cooped up in this house.
Eyadini is on its maximum volume and whatever car that is playing that song is really on a mission. Firstly I am not a fan of some Gqom music, more especially about a place as dodgy as uMlazi. Don’t judge me, I have heard stories about that place and I do not even wish to live in that area even if I was paid millions of rands. Even in dollars I wouldn’t.
The door opens roughly and I quickly turn and watch as Nomfundo makes her way inside my room, she is on her June holidays. Ukzn has once brought back the mini problem I have at times.
I sit up from my bed and I wait for her to say what she wants to say then leave.
I am wondering if her mother is back or not. She said she is going to her friend next door this morning and she has been gone for some time, I guess there is a lot that they need to share.
“Zano”, her tone is soft.
That’s something that never happens.
“Mfundo, yini inkinga?”
“There is a ceremony next door and I just saw my type outside”, okay…
I know there is a ceremony next door. Well its just a few meters from our house, the Lembede family is having something there. I don’t know what they are having, quiet frankly I am not interested. One of the reasons that my aunt is with her friend today it is because of what is happening next door. She is not an advocate of being…what’s the word? Nice or happy for other people if something good happens for others unless its for her. Same as her daughter Nomfundo. They are more or less the same.
She looks at me waiting for me to ask what she wants.
“Let’s go, please accompany me.”, she says.
“No,I am fine Mfundo”
“I will cook if we go”, she is overly nice.
I remove my earphones and peak through the window and it seems like inkulu into eyenziwayo khona.
“No”, I am fine with cooking.
“I am going to umah and tell her that you haven’t cooked yet”, she smiles.
She knows how her mother gets, I quickly get of the bed just thinking of what MaNgubo will say once she learns that after the chores I took a small break.
I scoff and sigh.
“Okay, let’s hurry up”
She is happy about my response.
I pull my flops under the bed and fix my bed before I follow after her passing the kitchen taking out the ingredients I will use. I hope this man scouting is going to be quick.
I don’t understand why I have to be dragged out of here.
She is wearing her sneakers and her nice jumpsuit. She loves dressing up usually when she wants to take some pictures and I become the phone stand.
Her phone rings and she draws out the iphone 6s and answers the person.
‘Mngani’ and ‘chomi’ being the mix of the conversation as we are walking. We finally approach the yard near the yard and the cars we are passing.
“Mngani we will talk later”, I see a few cars I could recognize from the stories I have read and googled what they are.
It seems like a packed ceremony and a part of me is quiet eager to know what is going on here too.
I see Sena whisking away through the yard. She spots us and she comes our way disregarding the fact that she is busy.
“Haibo Zano, I don’t know you anymore! I haven’t seen you in years!”
In years being since high school.
She hugs me, she has always been fond of me for a reason and I just know her as a person. Even when I still had my grandmother around she would try to find a way to be my friend but I was never interested in having those.
“Ngiyaphila sisi”, I say.
“Come, come in and eat”, she says pulling us in.
We are led to the main house, this is the first time I have stepped into this house in 12 years and it looks different and upgraded too. I used to come here to look for Nomfundo when she is not home and her mother would want her from me.
“There are cakes and everything. I will get you guys to my room”, she says.
We greet everyone we come across.
“The tent will be fine”, Nomfundo mentions with some attitude.
They used to be friends once until Sena left this place first.
“We are not staying”, I bring that up.
Sena is a bit taken a back but disappointment masks on her face.
“Okay, I will get someone to serve you”, she says.
We are back at the tent seated amongst other people here. Nomfundo has her eyes roaming while I stick my head on my phone carrying on with the chapter I am reading, the music may be loud but the song choice sets the scene of what I am reading.
“Oh there is my type, baze babahle abafana”,she says.
I look up to where she is referring too and it’s  like a miniature lounge area, they are even sharing some hubbly. Yes I know that.
“Come”, she says.
“Where are we going to?”, we are waiting for our food even though some people have eaten.
I hate this because time is running out and I have to get back home and cook.
“Come, we are going to greet them”, my heart starts beating slowly.
I really hate human interaction. I don’t find it entertaining or much of a necessity to it.
We reach the area.
“Sanibonani”, she says.
These men turn to us. I feel my heart pulsating rather to fast. Some ladies that are with them look at us and the disgust look on their faces cannot be missed but this is Nomfundo and she will not let an opportunity pass her by. 
“Yebo”, they say in unison. Low but its audiable.
I want to run out of here, already their looks have concluded some sentences in my mind. That they can already read that I am a freak, a freak in flip-flops and her stay at home dress. Not that I have a going outside dress.
I shy away from their looks.
“Hawu Mfundo, I don’t know you anymore”, a tint of that voice tickles my memory into remembering the face that it belongs to.
“Hi,I am around”, she says.
I glance to the man in front of me, the whiff of his cologne indicated that someone is standing too close to me to catch a whiff of their scent. The tickle in my memory becomes an aggressive memory moment from years ago and a memory I ever wanted to bury is facing me.
“Zano”,I feel dizzy and my blood levels seem to be high.
A panic attack sneaks in without warning and seems to be giving me a death warning that I do not appreciate.
I am caught and attended in an instant. The people who were not impressed with me soon are in front of me with water.
“Breathe Zano”, the young man’s voice has been replaced with a fully grown man’s one.
The tears start to blur my vision, no I am not crying but simply my eyes are just watering a bit.
“Count to 5”, the hoarse voice says.
The harsh memory invades my brain bringing the unreality horror about my life, about myself too.
.
I was once normal,felt like I had done something normal for once in my life. I knew growing up that I was an issue and not like other children, it took time for me to process some things in school, be able to make friends or do normal activities like playing on the street and get dirty but that was not the case for me.
For as long as I remember I have never had a mother or father but my grandmother, aunt and Nomfundo until God remembered my grandmother. I knew from a young age that I couldn’t have certain things or be a certain way. Well, my aunt would remind me of how my father passed away like a dog that he was and my mother for choosing another man over myself. That I was never worthy to being loved in my life and I am a burden to people and will forever be.
I struggled in school until I couldn’t anymore. until my aunt saw that my life didn’t have any future anyway so at 15 years old I stopped attending school and started staying at home.
Being at home makes me feel, safe and sound. Like no one will make fun of how I am short and have a lot of hairs or tease my small feet and my slow brain or refer to me as a Fanta bottle with my body and how I am fair and they call me pinky pinky.
All of that showed me that I was not normal like other children. If I was not bullied at school, it was at home.
At a point it became normal to me.
During my teen years, I also had feeling like any teenager would. People finding boys or girls around them attractive and having a numerous number of people that they have a crush on, it didn’t occur much to me where it comes from until I started hearing about Facebook stories, how the men were portrayed and they seem eluding and captivating, how they are protective, caring and some abusive but they stand by you and that to me was spelt love.
I started being in touch with my feelings, wondering if I was like other kids would I have a boyfriend or anything of that sort.
Sex was introduced to me through those books, I was captivated with how much it is described and the feeling you feel when someone touches you. The significance of being a virgin to men spelt the belonging. I didn’t know that I too could feel and  wondered if I would one day too feel the pain and pleasure of things and I did. I did my first normal thing during my teenage hood and that was loosing my virginity to Tusani Lembede.
I didn’t say much to him, I just came up from school  and stood by their gate while I had just a long day at school. I saw him striding over his yard and I didn’t know that he was home. I wasn’t one to just go outside all the time and his physical description fit the descriptions I found in books. Tall, dark, a bit mascular and handsome.
I didn’t care that he was just 22 years old while I was just 15. I mean some characters had huge age gaps so it didn’t matter to me.
I walked closer to his gate and called upon him before he disappeared inside the house.
“Zano, how are you?”, he asked as he came closer.
“I am okay, I want you to take my virginity”, I said.
He was taken aback by my response. For a moment he frowned and said “Are you hearing yourself?”
I nodded.
I knew what I wanted and it is to feel the warmth and soul rocking pleasure that these characters were speaking off.
“I can’t I…”
“I will not follow after you like people do after that virginity thing.”
“Why me?”
“You are a…”, I became silent for a moment.
“You are a man, you are familiar with these things like normal people”, I finished it off.
“Virginity is a precious thing Zanokuhle”
“And that’s why I want you to take it”, I said without blinking.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes”, I said and moved from the gate.
“I will be late home”, I moved away from the gate and I left him there.
The courage I was able to form. Did he agree in the end? Yes he did, I knew he would. Men are natural skirt sweepers. He got us in a Bnb that night,fetched me using his mother’s car and we went there.
I snuck out. The first normal thing a child could do. I had seen Nomfundo do it a couple of times and I followed the way she did it. The car ride felt short, even though he held my hand as assurance and that I can change my mind. He was sweet and the sweet parts that some male characters possess.
I couldn’t stop thinking of bits and pieces of that night. It felt shocking and beautiful to me. Shocking of how I became attached with my feelings and felt the warmth of his body against mine and his emotions in line with mine. How his arms wrapped around me made me feel safe and he whispered assuring messages and told me that I was “beautiful”, I cried after that night remembering everything.
I cried because for once a person appreciated my body and told me I am beautiful and not a freak, that I was just like other girls and I was beautiful like them. That I for once looked like some heaven to someone.
Those actions left a cripple in me and so I shut that memory at the back of my mind and let it rest before I hurt myself any further and since that year I hardly ever went outside. I am always inside the house.
----------
I am seated on the floor watching the buns rise in the oven. They are turning golden brown and the timer is about to set off. Its almost lunch and the cupcakes I made earlier have cooled off and Nomfundo had some before she told me that she is going to her friend’s house on the other street. My aunt is watching tv, we hardly talk to each other unless some insult or unpleasant word, even demand has to be made.
The oven dings and I quickly get off the tiled floor and open it. I grab the dishcloths and I  pull the baking dish out and the buns look promising.
I quickly put them on the cold stove and then I switch it off.
I butter them up before I let them cool just for a little while before I start assembling the burger up. They are soft and warm, how I wanted them to come out.
I love cooking, just like reading stories. I love cooking, it makes me feel like I am a chef of some sort and my aunt does buy a lot of food so I am allowed to explore the kitchen.
My aunt works as a teacher at a nearby high school, never owned a car in her life and Loan sharks are now her friends.
She likes finer things, so as her daughter but her salary sometimes cannot keep up with it. Reason why she has never moved out of home her whole life.
Do I wonder how my mother is doing wherever she is? Yes I do.
I wonder why she didn’t love me if she gave birth to me but that is something I would never get any response too.
“Zanokuhle!”, I quickly plate the burger and get some juice before I put everything on a trey.
I quickly rush to give her the food and she takes it.
Tells me that I should start with supper before it is too late and I tell her that I have already done it.
She doesn’t respond instead she goes back to her tv moment.
A knock disturbs this moment and she turns to the door. I know that I should answer it so I make my way to it.
I open and I am met by Sena. She smiles at me.
“Zano, hey. Is your aunt here?”, she asks.
I stare at her for a while, she is beautiful and I wish I was dark skinned just like her and a bit taller too. I wonder the hair on her head would it have suited me if I wore it in my life?
“Yes”, I move out of the way and let her in.
She makes her way inside. I close the door and stand there for a while before I go to the living room.
My aunt turns to Sena with food in her mouth.
“Senamile, unjani?”
“I am good MakaNomfundo”
My aunt gives her a light smile.
“What can I help you with? Sorry I didn’t come to the unveiling”, she says.
“Umah was asking to borrow Nomfundo and Zano to come and collect somethings she wants to give to you.”
“Oh,Mfundo is not here”,Sena looks at me and smile.
“It is fine, Zano can come”, fear lunges in my heart.
I don’t want to go outside and unfortunately my aunt agrees for me to go.
I am under a lot of thoughts as we make our way to her home, she is trying to make small talk, asking me how I am and how life has been treating me and I tell her that it has been okay. I don’t want to  talk too much.
“You have always been a special person Zano”, she says with a smile as we enter her yard.
I am confused. Special in what way?
“What are you saying Sena?”, fear creeps in a bit as she will insinuate that I am a freak. I know I am one and not like them, being able to excel in school and life at that too.
“I am just saying that I love your character”,she mentions.
We get to the front door and there are still some people here. Mrs Lembede is the first one to greet me following with a hug and an I haven’t seen you in so long. Lihle,Sena’s sister is here too. I remember their names as I learnt it along the way of the years I have lived here.
They do look different though,at first glance I wouldn’t have been able to identify Linhle at this point.
Mrs Lembede tells me to sit down and I get some juice and some cake too, Sena takes me to her room just so I am away from prying eyes and I am grateful for that gesture.
She tells me that she will be back and leaves me alone in the room. It’s not as quiet but I am okay with it. I have forgotten my phone, I am not one to separate from it unless I am busy with something and I know I left it in the kitchen.
I lightly swing my little feet back and forth just to distract myself and not think too much into things.
The door opens and I come face to face with a little girl, she is a human replica of Senamile. Without any doubt, she holds onto the door and stares at me and I do not shy away from her stare, instead I stare back.
She leaves the handle alone, making her way towards me and she stands infront of me.
She looks normal, cute, like a little princess.
“Wow, you have long big hair”, she says.
I find myself tucking my ponytail away.
I don’t know why I forgot to put a hat or doek over this hair.
“Is that your real hair?”, she asks.
“Ye…yes”, I say and her eyes light up.
A glimpse of hope is restored in the child’s eyes.
“I want to have hair like yours”, she is not calling me a hairy animal of some sort.
“It looks like Rapunzel”, I look at the cartoon character she is pointing to on her dress and I see the Rapunzel she is referring to.
My heart warms up and I fear. Is it normal? What does she mean?
She smiles at me and before we know it, the little void in feelings is replaced with this warm feeling. My heart beats fast in that moment.
“Nana, your mom is calling you”, the hoarse voice announces and we both look in the direction of the door.
There he stands near the door. His figure almost covers the door way, his tall self brings some intimidation into the room. The man I once approached gone.
The broad shoulders and well-toned body makes its presence known to the eyes that care to look.
“Okay lume”,the little princess rushes away and then she is gone.
Soon the door is closed and he is inside the room, just him and I. The unwanted memory rushes back like the speed of lightning and attacks me like a strong wind.
The night where I gave up a part of me just so I could feel normal creeps in.
He stands in front of me, hand in the pocket while the other is loosely hanging outside the pant pocket.
“How are you Zano?”, My thought tries to register his now grown voice in my head but another part of me fights to not even store such in my brain.
“I am fine.”
My heart is not beating as it should be.
“You disappeared”, he says.
“Oh”
He holds his gaze upon me before he comes and crouches near me.
“What have you been up to the past 12 years?”
I have been up to my daily routine, cooking, cleaning and reading too.
“I have been cooking, cleaning and reading some books”, I say freely.
“You love cooking and cleaning?”, he asks.
“I love reading and cooking”, I say and he smiles at me.
The sneak of his left dimple appears on his face. The handsome’ness described in novels does appear in front of me.
I like the way he smells.
“You look breathtaking, do you know that?”
“You mean I am beautiful?”, I am trying to comprehend his sentence.
“Yes, very beautiful and very fair now than before”, he says with a glimpse of a smile.
I process what he is saying and remember that a Thank you should be followed. I don’t know if I should believe what he is saying or not so I settle with a “Thank you.”,I feel that feeling I once felt that night of our interaction creep in again. It is scaring me at the moment and I don’t want to indulge in it but it is coming with much power.
He stands up and takes out his hands and ask for a hug, I am skeptical but eventually I do give it to him. He pulls me close to him, his arms cover me and my head is near his chest.
A soft kiss is laid on my forehead and leaves something in me, fills the little void in me.
He soon lets me go and his scent is lingered inside the room.
----------
I got back home with a lot of things, from some food to cold drink and some meat too, my aunt wanted to throw away some food but her daughter was in the mist of having something cooked by someone who is not me.
I am against my bed and I am reading a book, it continues and it gets to the intense parts. For the first time since the past I find myself not being able to read the exclusive scenes. I skip them and continue to the next bit of the story. My phone vibrates and I look at it, an unsaved number is calling. I only know my aunt and Nomfundo on my phone and no one else.
Curiosity lingers in me and I find myself answering it.
“Hello”
“Zano”, my thoughts tingle and find the face of this voice.
Its Tusani Lembede and my thoughts bring back the incident from a few hours ago when he asked for my numbers just to call me and I gave them away with no interest.
“Yes”, I keep my silence and I hear him chuckle after that.
“How are you? I didn’t see you leave”, he says.
“I am okay, I did leave”
He chuckles.
“Can I see you some how?”
“For what?”
“I want to see you, please”
“You want us to have sex?”, I mention.
Silence prevails between the both of us for a moment.
“You want us to have sex?”
“Yes”, the details in this book pulled a thought from deep parts of my brain.
Though these thoughts are not shoved in the back of my brain anymore since I saw his face once again.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes”
He is silent again.
“Okay, I will call you in 20 minutes to fetch you”
“I will be outside”
“Okay”, the call is cut.
I find myself in thoughts. 12 years later and I am going to have that normal experience once again.
I prepare, its already dark outside and the clock serves to announce that its just after 10pm. The call comes in and its him,he tells me that he is coming to my yard and I acknowledge that.
I hang up the call and then find a way to sneak out of the house and I do so. My phone in my hands and I am outside, standing near the corner wall of my home. I see lights approaching me and they turn off. He jumps out of the car and I move towards him, its not the same car we were once in but a much fancier one.
“Come”, I don’t waste time but go towards him, he helps me in the car and he goes around and gets inside.
I get secured before he turns to me.
“Should we turn off our phones?”
“Why?”
“So we cannot be interrupted”, I sigh and nod.
We do it, soon the car drives off, the roof of the opens and I look at it, fascinated with the stars that are up in the sky. He places his hand on me and I look at it then him before I look back up the stars. They are beautiful.
I feel some envy in me creep in. I wish that I was a star and lay in the sky and be pretty.
“When was the last time you were intimate with someone?”, intimate, a word I learnt from the books I read.
“12 years ago.”, I answer him without looking at him.
The drive gets a bit long as it goes but I am not worried, a part of me settles to trusting this man.
We reach Mc Donald’s and he gets some burger and ice cream for me. Once I touch that ice cream I feel a bit alive, I have never done this before. Buying food at night.
“Is this what normal people do?”, I look at him.
“You are normal Zano,just special”, he says and I lick off my ice cream.
“For today”
“You know whats nice about special people like you?”, he asks.
“What?”
“That there is no one like them and they are precious”, that feeling creeps in again.
I look away from him.
Soon he drives to a Bnb and we get there. We make our way inside and I sit on the bed.
I have already finished my ice cream. I take off my jacket and so as my dress and he looks at me.
“You are looking at me”, he chuckles.
“I love your yellow thighs”, he says.
That feeling again creeps in.
He comes towards me and dips his head planting a meer kiss on my lips. Taken aback I find myself gasping at that.
“I want to hold you all night long and sleep next to you”, he says.
“We won’t have sex?”
“Not tonight”, he says kissing me again.
This time the kiss deepens, he does it slowly and helps me get into the right flow as him.
I touch his front pants.
“I want to feel it inside of me again”. I say feeling tingles vibrate to my nearest virginal neuron.
“How about you sleep with it inside of you?”, he whispers against my lips.
I nod like a child,he pulls away from me and I watch him undress. I do the same.
He opens the bed and lays on it and tells me to get ontop of him, I do so and lay my head on his shoulder. Slips in his length and I gasp feeling a bit of pain. He cusses under his breath whispering a “Ufudumele kamnandi mama”, in the mix.
His body feels warm against my skin.
He covers us and he kisses my forehead again.
“Is it painful?”
“Yes a bit”
“You will get used to it with time”
“You want us to do this again?”, he is silent for a moment before he responds with a “Yes”
I want it too, surprisingly I want this interaction of feeling him inside of me. I too want to feel this constant tugging feeling in me.
“Leave with me Zano”, I look at him.
“And go where?”, he circulates his fingers on my bare back.
“Anywhere”, he says and I lightly laugh and he smiles.
“I love this”, I don’t mind him, where will I even go to.
“Can I be normal wherever you want us to go?”
“You will be a star above the rest”, I giggle.
“Okay”, I say and he kisses my forehead for the 3rd time today.
The way he draws patterns on my  bare back sooths me, I find myself feeling tired and I warn.
“Are you comfortable?”,he asks.
  “Not much but it is okay”, I say honestly.
He keeps his silence, so as I until my eyes give in and I fall asleep on top of him.
.
It’s the following day, the sun penetrates sharply through the window and the curtains. I feel like the curtains here are not as strong as my curtains, I wouldn’t be feeling this much sunlight in the morning.
I open my eyes and I am alone in bed. In a room that I am not quiet familiar with, I look around and I am naked. I quickly get off the bed and I hear some movement coming from the other room before Tusani surfaces from there in his underwear.
“Am I in a dream?”
He chuckles and makes his way towards me and holds me by my waist. That tug visits me once again.
“No, it is real”,he lowers his head and lightly kisses my lips.
“Good morning Zano”
“Morning”, I blink looking at him.
“What would you like for breakfast?”
“I cannot leave with you. I don’t have my clothes and my things”, I mention.
“Don’t you want new clothes?”, he asks me and tilts his head to the side.
Well I have never been to the shops to buy clothes for me in a long time.
“I don’t want to be outside”, I tell him.
“We can buy them online, it is fine”, I nod my head.
“Will I live with you?”
He stares down on me and clears his throat before he scratches his head with one of his hand.
“Not for long. I want you to stay alone and learn normal things like being independent but I will visit you a lot”, I nod my head and stand on my toes and I look at him before I kiss him and he responds.
I look at him before I remember I have to close my eyes and I do so, shutting them.
His hands move from my waist to my bums and he squeezes them before he lets me go and breaks the kiss. He smiles.
“We will carry on later”, I nod my head.
“Okay”
“Come let’s get you cleaned up”, he pulls me towards the other room and it is the bathroom.
I want to go with him wherever he is going. I trust him.
.
.
New story, continues tomorrow.
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