Zanokuhle

Chapter 31

ZANOKUHLE
Chapter 31

The thoughts in my head are fighting what is happening here at the moment. Despite that I am not alone right now but still a part of me would want us to turn back and go back to Cape town and forget that my mother even exists and she is alive living her life the way she has always wanted to. 
My heart is bothered though, more than anything. I keep on seeing dreams and these bad dreams are not something I like, at some point Nkosana took me to the hospital to make sure I am okay since I had a panic attack in the middle of the night, something that I have never had before and was first to know when the Dr told me what was wrong with me and why the sudden reason I was rushed to the hospital.
I told the doctor that I had bad dreams and he told me that pregnancy does trigger many things and he left it there while Mrs Vilakazi mentioned that my pregnancy could be triggering my subconscious thoughts and they are all I think about as off lately. She thinks I am scared to have a baby so far and honestly I don't know if what she said is true or not at this point so I will just take in what they said. 
We are in Johannesburg. In front of where my biological mother stays apparently, we are here to see her and ask questions and I wish I brought Luu's twins and most probably they would've been able to ask more questions than I could have. I don't know what to ask the most but Nkosana is here and so as his parents.
Yes his father is also here.  As rarely as I see him sometimes but he is here. He is just like Nkosana, no doubt about that. 
I didn't want this visit to happen but Mrs Vilakazi said if I do it she might consider taking me to the centre for less time and I want that. I don't want to stay in some place I don't know for long so I have to suck all of this up and get it done.
“We should get going”,Mrs Mthimkhulu mentions and everyone else nods. 
My stomach is a bit growing, I feel bloated at the moment and I don't know if I am holding in a fart or it's the baby moving my stomach to get bigger or is it simply me being full from the breakfast we had. 
We landed here last night and this morning was marked as the day Zano meets her mother for the first time. 
Bhungane hops out of the car and he quickly jogs to my side and opens the door and then he helps me out.  He holds me close to his body as he whispers into my ear.
“I am here for you okay?”,I nod my head and smile looking up to him and he looks at me before he lightly smiles.
“What's wrong?”,he asks.
“Nothing”
He lightly frowns.
“Why are you smiling at me like that?”,he asks. 
“You are a beautiful boyfriend”,I say and motion for his face to come to my level and he does and I kiss his cheek. 
He smiles and looks away from me. I take his hand into mine. 
“I feel like my stomach is full of farts for later”,I say as I lightly groan and rub my stomach as I feel the baby kick.
He shakes his head lightly and his parents are out of the car already. 
We look at the house and it is not like the houses in Cape town. Even the house back in Lady Smith seems to be a bit better or more or less the same? Either way it's not that big.  This area is busy, kids and cars passing and playing. I look at the neighbour who is hanging their laundry and they look at our way. 
She stops what she is doing and stares at us as we make our way in.
“She is looking at us”,I tell Nkosana and he looks at the lady who pretends like she is doing something else.
“Don't worry about her”,I nod my head.
The 4 of us walk closer to the house and Mr Mthimkhulu is the first one to knock as we wiat for the door to open and someone shouts. 
“Ke mang?!( Who is it?!)”
“We are the Mthimkhulu family!”,The door opens and one of the girls whom I know as my sister opens the door and looks at us. 
She sets her eyes on me and smiles.  
“Hello, how are you? You may come in”,She seems nice.
Like she wasn't stealing before she even opened this door. If you don't know her you wouldn't think she is a thief. We walk inside the house following her and she stops her tracks as we enter the living room and there is a man there watching tv.
“Papa”,He turns to us and he stands up and sets his eyes on me the most.
I should myself with Nkosana's arm.
“These are the Mthimkhulu's”,The girl says. 
“Hello, how may I help you?”
“We want to speak to your wife. We brought our daughter in law with us”,Mr Mthimkhu mentions. 
I don't remember being married to Nkosana. He is still my boyfriend but I keep my silence as I am scared a bit.
“You may take a seat, Khanyi go and call your mother”,He says and we settle on the couch and he sits on a one seater couch and looks at us. 
“We are sorry to disturb you weekend in this manner”,Me Mthimkhulu says.
“It is fine, I am happy to help and I believe she wants to get some information from her mother?”,he nods. 
“Yes, she needs closure.”,Mrs Mthimkhulu intervenes. 
“I understand.”,He says and soon as woman who looks like an older version of me walks through. She has the same skin colour as his other girls and I seen to have taken the lighter route.
“They are here for you”,her husband mentions and she frowns as she sets her eyes on us. I hold onto Nkosana for support. My heart is beating very fast at the moment as she sets her eyes upon me. 
“What are they doing here?”
“They want to talk to you , your daughter wants to talk to you”,She scoffs before a chair is brought for her and she sits down.
“Talk to me about what? I have nothing to talk about”,she asks.
“Zano does”,Mrs Mthimkhulu says. 
“Behave yourself please”,Her husband mentions to her and she keeps her silence. 
“Zano right?”,her husband asks as she turns to look at me and I nod my head. 
“You can talk, we are listening”,Nkosana gives me a small squeeze and whispers into my ear. 
“You have got this baby okay? Don't be scared”,He mentions and I nod my head. 
“I want to know why you hate me and who my father is too”,I say.
She folds her arms across her chest and scoffs.
“Ratiwa, hmmh”,her husband says and she looks at her husband and sighs. 
“Didnt you live with your father's family?, I am sure they told you about him and I hate that you are reminder that I have been rediculed and abused at the expense of you existing”,she mentions.
“I lived with Gogo, I don't know my father”
“Well I left you with his family after he died.”,She says and I feel like I don't know what more to say.
“Please go in detail of what happened between her father and yourself and for her to get abounded by her mother. Zano struggles alot and all of it comes from mental issues that have built up from being abused by people and mistreated by also your family members”,she scoffs.
“I wouldn't put it past Gugu for that matter”,She says.
“Your father was a Zulu man, his mother was coloured hence you have lighter skin. His father was a Zulu man, that old hag hated me with all her heart. She didn't want me with her son but your father fought tooth and nail when it came to us being together. I got pregnant with you, I was never ready to have you but you were there right?So there is nothing I could do, your grandfather was a very traditional man. He insisted that your father and I should get married since I am pregnant but his mother said“Over her dead body that will never happen",she hated me because I wasn't white or coloured enough for her son. Hypocrisy of her marrying a black man and having kids with him. Your father was working jobs here and there so he would travel at times.  His family paid  for me, we were happy well he was but I wasn't happy. I have the worst memories of my pregnancy with you, I stayed with that woman until I gave birth to you and she abused me each and every chance she got. Her perveted son wasn't making things any easy and so when you were born I stayed even though it was tough until your father passed on a few months later and I left you there and never looked back. I wasn't going to stay with you there. I told my mother though where I left you and I guess she fetched you and harboured you in her house”,She says. 
Silence prevails the room.
“Where does her father's family come from?”,Mrs Mthimkhulu asks.
“Last I checked it was in lady Smith. Just you asking me these questions repulse me”,She says.
“Thank you”
“I hope we will not pretend to reconcile and stuff”,She says.
“I don't like you anyway”,I say and the shock on her husband's face and so as hers too. I guess she didn't expect that from me and expected me to be nice? I will not be nice. 
“We should get going, thank you”,Mr Mthimkhulu mentions and everyone stands up. 
We all get escourted outside and one of my sister's comes to me. 
“Zano we don't have your number. We wanted to visit you and spend time with you”,This one says. 
“I don't stay here,I live in Capetown”,I say.
“It's fine we will visit”,She says.
“I will think about it”, I have to hide everything in the house if they decide to come. I don't think I want them to come. 
We leave and get inside the car.
“Are you okay?”,Nkosana asks and I nod my head. 
“Yes”
“Wuu bayancishana. Ngisho namanzi nje lawa(They are not hospitable. We didn't even get water)”,Mrs Mthimkhulu says. 
The car starts and it drives off. 
-------
We got the Nkosana's apartment and Mrs Mthimkhulu and I went to do some cooking and the men went about their work. Just next week I will have to do my practical and I am confidence in it. I really am and I cannot wait. I wish though that my stomach can grow and the doctor said it might happen at a later stage in my pregnancy.  I also have to be here soon because Nomvelo is throwing a party for her sons and I have been invited with my baby in my stomach ofcause. 
“Go and tell Nkosana that food is ready”, Nkosana's mother mentions and I nod. 
“Okay”,I leave the kitchen and I go to find Nkosana and he is in the bedroom we use. 
I knock on the door before I enter and close the door and he looks at me.  He pushes his laptop to the side and I get on the bed.
“Hey, are you good?”,I nod my head.
“Yes, food is ready”,I say and sit next to him. 
He pulls me to lay on him while he holds me in his arms. 
“I want you to be better, in every aspect of you”he says. 
I keep my silence.
“Nkosana”,I say after the silence.  He gently strokes my hair.
“Mmh?”
“Do you think I am crazy and that I can't function normally?”,I ask.
I don't know. I feel like sometimes I am not well in my head. That's what Mam Vee indicated when we had our last therapy session so as his assistant saying that I seem a bit loose screwed.  I don't like her anymore and I do not want to be her friend too!
“You are not crazy, I think your past traumas have affected you that's why we want to make sure you are back to being okay”,He says and I nod my head. 
He kisses my forehead. 
“I love you okay?”,he says.
I nod my head as I place my hand on his chest and rest my head on his chest properly.
“I don't want to be crazy. I wish I can get rid of the dreams too”
“What if they are not just dreams but how your life was like when you lived with your father's family?”,he says. 
I keep my silence. 
“I don't know”
“Do you remember anything from living there?”,He asks. 
I shake my head and he sighs.
“It will be okay”,I nod my head. 
We stay in silence and I hold onto him. Maybe I am thinking of my life when I was young. I am scared though and I do not like the images that are displayed in my mind.
I find myself crying on his chest and he comforts me.
“The lady in my dream hits me and I don't like it”,I say.
He brushes my back.
“It will be okay, I promise”,I sniff and nod my head. 
He comforts me until I calm down and then he looks at me. 
“Your birthday is coming soon, what do you want to do?”,He asks. 
“Anything?”,I ask and look at him and he nods.
“Anything baby”,He says.
“I want presents and alot of cake. Chocolate cake”,He chuckles. 
“You want that?”,I nod my head. 
“My sister's want to visit me. I don't want them to steal my stuff”
“Get to know them first. They seem to like you”,He says and I keep my silence. 
Well if they won't come to the place I live in and steal my mixer then we are okay. 
“Mmh”,I say and he kisses my forehead and lips. 
“Tomorrow we are going out before we head back to Cape town”,He says.
“Are you not staying here?”,I ask.
“I will come back when I come back with you for the party you were talking about",He says.
“Okay”
“We can even go and see the twins”,He says.
I am not eager for that activity but I want to tell them that I am going to have my own baby so they don't have to ask me questions but can visit and play with the baby.
“Okay, I want to tell them about the baby too”,I say and get off the bed.
“I need to pee”,I announce before I leave him in the bedroom.