Thats Life

Chapter Eleven

"I wonder if it's true, that your parents know you better than anyone else, even if you don't think they do. Maybe they really did know our burning secrets the whole time."

A few years pass - okay like a month and a half but it felt like forever with all the shit I was going through the whole time. Katie and I hung out almost every day, mostly at school, but sometimes we would grab food after class, or coffee before. We decided to keep our friendship to ourselves while going through the worst of my detox, Ian didn't know we were friends, and my family didn't either. It was nice to have a friend and not feel pressure from everyone around us, it made it easier for us to get to know the real us. Katie stayed with me after that day at the diner, and like she promised she held my hair through every single puking moment I encountered. She never made me feel bad, never made me feel like I was less than worth it. In fact, I think my throwing up made her proud. It was a sign that I was following through with getting clean, which has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Like she said, the cravings got worse with each passing day. It was a wild ride, these past few weeks, I'm saving you some pretty gruesome details.

However, I will summarize them, so you don't feel left out of the loop.

The withdrawal, and the detox has been straight up shit, not one single day where I felt good about myself or even my decision to go through this. One day, while I was sweating to death, shivering, and fighting a fever I broke down, just started bawling in the hallway of the school, it was another moment in life where I was wishing I was dead instead of dealing with whatever I was going through. I begged Katie to call Ian, to tell him to bring me something just one Xanex or anything he had. I told her that it wouldn't be a problem or a relapse, I just needed it to stop the pain I was feeling. She didn't. Another breakdown I had at school happened outside, I just didn't feel good, about myself or anything else. The coffee from that morning made me sick and every thought I had about booze or pills made me dry heave, Katie held me and didn't ask any questions, then proceeded to practically carry me to the bathroom each time I felt sick. Most of the time, I was able to wait until a break between classes, or after school all together, thank god. After all that, we would walk to class together and didn't talk about it again for the rest of the day. Katie is doing okay; I can tell she's sliding into something but doesn't want to bring it up because of how bad I've been feeling. I want to push her to talk to me about it, but I hardly have enough energy to keep myself above water, I know there's no way I can help her right now.

The siblings are doing great. William has a new Job, which is why he hasn't questioned why I'm not driving home with him every day after school. Suzie makes me hang out with her every day after school, she never lets me out of her sight. At this point, I should probably be paying her for babysitting me. Mom was back, and then left again who the fuck knows what that's all about. Dads been coming out of his cave a bit, the last time I saw him, he demanded I buy him more beer which of course, Tyson took over for me. Recovering addicts going into a liquor store is highly frowned upon, I guess in a weird way, I am grateful for that decision.

As for me, personally, I'm not doing great. There are some days that I don't even care anymore, and I just want to down some shots, take some pills, sleep all day, or dig myself a hole to die in. I'm pathetic, I know. Another important thing to note, which I know is insanely irresponsible and stupid of me, but I have an emergency stash of Oxy just in case one day I really can't take it anymore, in case one day I really need to take the edge off. Katie tells me there's going to be lots of those days, the kind where you feel like you can't live anymore or more so that you don't want to. Day where it feels like, it isn't even worth it. I keep those pills mostly to feel control, to know I have them but won't use them. That, and so I can have them for that 'just in case' I'm not sure what will warrant me using them but I'm sure in the moment I'll know. Trust me, I hate me too, I feel bad that I've been keeping the stash a secret from Katie because she really does deserve to know. Honestly at this point, she's basically my NA sponsor or some shit, not that she's anywhere near being healed from her own demons. But still, she's kept me surfaced for as long as I've known her. I'd probably already be 3 "emergency stashes" in if it weren't for her.