Thats Life

Chapter Fifty

"You think you're ready to stop sessions?" Dr Jewell asks.

"I mean... yeah?" When I told her I think I'm okay for a bit I didn't expect her to question me about it. Am I wrong? I feel pretty okay, and in control of things I've gained a lot of tools and thought processes from her that I use every day.

"Jace, this is how people are. They feel okay, and they stop talking and get bad again. I'd love to continue to see you. What if we did once a week, or even every other week?"

"You don't think I'm ready?" I ask leaning forward.

"I don't think anyone is ever ready. I'd refer the world's most mentally healthy person see a therapist as well. It helps to have someone to talk to, about anything. I'd hate for something to happen, and you not have anywhere to go. The highs are really high, and you are doing some great stuff right now! But those lows are going to be low, and it's still so early, so soon from the hospital visit. Once you leave, and it's on paper the state can refuse to pay for it a second time if you decide you want to come back."

With a nod I reply, "Alright. Let's do once a week for now."

"Sounds good. I'm proud of where you are at. I haven't seen any of those self-destructive tendencies you have, and it looks like you have learned to stand up for yourself which of course, is always exactly what I want to see. Do you have anything else you want to talk about today?"

"Umm... Yeah." I think about the day Ian came to my house. "Ian relapsed. He came to my house acting really weird and told me he had given up on himself and made his own decisions then tried to sleep with me." I pause for a moment. "He told me he loved me, and that he had always loved me and it's kind of been on replay in my head."

"Why do you think that's bothering you so much?" She leans back and adjusts her glasses.

"I don't know... because I went through so much, I did everything on my own. Not even just after the drugs. Before drugs, while on drugs, after drugs, through the suicide, the recovery, and the re-building. I didn't have friends or people around me who got it. His sister was who was there for me. I just... He has so much. He has people around him and he's choosing to fuck himself over again. It's frustrating to know how hard I worked to get where I am now and him to feel like he has some ownership over me? That, and the fact that he came to my house high, told me he didn't care, then tried to sleep with me. It felt like he was trying to drag me back down with him.

"Though you don't understand, his struggles are still struggles. Even if they seem smaller than yours. Maybe his house life isn't the way you imagine it is. Ian is an adult, and he is allowed to make his own choices. How did you handle him coming over?'

"It made me so mad; I told him to fuck off and not to come back." She tilts her head as if to say 'told you, you still need me' "But I didn't hit him, even though I really wanted to. I just turned around and went inside. Josh came over later that day and it was like the anger immediately disappeared."

"I'm glad Josh was able to help, without him around, what would you have done to help yourself?"

Why does that matter? He was there, he calmed me down, and I got over it. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for him. I probably would have gotten pissed and took it out on one of my brothers... "I'm not sure."

We talk for a while longer before I'm leaving and headed over to the shop. I'm still pissed at Ian, and I don't give a shit about what Dr Jewell said. He knew what he was doing, and I know for a fact he assumed it would end in us both high and getting off.