The Wires Case [ h.s ]

chapter 56

Brooke Wires

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if something went different in my life. If by any chance that tiny mistake I once made was avoided, things would have gone completely differently. It's hard to imagine that by one action, you're determining your entire future. Even more, your entire life.

It's scary, to be honest. Because things could go differently in a hundred ways and yet somehow I still feel that in every universe I would be stuck in this madness that I call my life one way or another.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Not to make myself the victim or anything, but it's not fair. Life, in general, it's not. I'm envious of those who say they have had an easy life. Because it's something so bizarre but yet something we all want, I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Because as much as yes, mistakes make you grow, the obstacles thrown in your path help you to keep going, sometimes it's too much.

I know most humans are not made for surviving. And I can help but feel like I'm one of those.

Every step I make, every decision I take, every person I let into my life and every person I cut out of it feels like a mistake. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm not able to see anything in me that makes me proud. I don't know how to love myself, and that's the worst thing someone could face.

Because when you're not comfortable with who you are, you're not comfortable with anything in your life.

You'll never be able to accept your success, or to see you beautifully, to appreciate yourself. You won't be able to believe you deserve nice things, or things at all. You would only wish you were different, wish you could live that instead of this. You'll start to think about ways to change your appearance, the way you act, or even how you move, how you talk.

And in the end you'll just be creating a facade, where underneath it there would still be everything you hate about yourself. Because it will never go away.

Not when it's all you have been able to see and think of you.

Sometimes, I wish I was nothing at all.

But I am a lot of things. Messed up things. And I can't seem to be able to change them. And I hate it.

I'm jealous. I'm egotistical. I'm a hypocrite. I feel like I'm the worst, so I'll act like I'm the best. And at the end I get nothing from that apart from endless nights of crying my eyes out and as I said, wishing I could be different.

No one prepares you for life. They just throw you in it with all its ups and downs and expect you to handle it without any sort of warning. You have to face it all alone—as much as you can find yourself surrounded by people—because unfortunately, we spend most of our lives alone. And for some people, that's worse than anything.

Because who do you have if you don't even like yourself?

I wish I fucking knew.

When you spend most of your life trying to solve the mistakes you created, it gets to a point when you grow accustomed to messing it up, and you just don't try anymore. You accept that you're the problem. That if something happened, in the end it's always some sort of your fault.

That friend that betrayed you? You shouldn't have trusted her to begin with. But you did.

That boyfriend that raped you? You should have listened to everyone when they told you he was not good for you. But you didn't.

That boy you knew you shouldn't have fallen in love with? You should have followed the rules. But you broke them.

And you broke everyone else in the process. You made them kill themselves trying to get you back. You made them think they're not worthy of a second chance. You messed up their future, although they messed you up. And you hurt them until the deepest part of their soul, just because you were thinking about you, and not the consequences it will have on them.