The Wires Case [ h.s ]

chapter 68

Brooke Wires

The idea of ​​spending my whole life with just one person has always been a thought that has left me with a bitter aftertaste. The need to experiment has always been present in my life, but I have noticed it much more in everything related to falling in love.

Maybe because of the generation I grew up in, it is much easier to believe that polyamory, or a thousand relationships are something that is well-regarded. That, in general, is something we must go through. And I suppose that without experimenting, without living relationships each with its differences, its good things and its bad things, we would never really know what we are looking for.

But I suppose that at some point in my life, in my eighteen years (which I know aren't enough to believe what I'm about to say next, but hey, everyone has their own life experiences and if I feel this way, then so be it), I realized that love is something that may never come. That it is much easier to find yourself alone than to find a partner. That what is sought today is very far from what should be the love that was talked about in novels in the past.

You will be told a thousand and one times that it comes when you least expect it, but it is very easy to lose hope when you find yourself locked in a mental prison with yourself, in addition to a city where you have never felt comfortable, and surrounded by people who you know will never be your type. And that, as you realize that prettier girls with better bodies than you are always the ones who get a partner, you will not be so surprised not to find love because of the way you are.

Because of the life you grow up in, the way you develop, the problems you suffer and the traumas you endure will turn you into something that you may not end up liking, and you can be sure that no one else will. Finding a partner will never be something you achieve because you know that you are so screwed that, since you do not even love yourself, no one else will.

And in a society where love is so undervalued, it's not hard to feel that way.

Still, I've always felt that desire to have more than one partner, if given the chance. To not settle for the first person who comes along. But it's hard not to get carried away by the first sign of love you receive, even when it won't end up going anywhere.

Falling in love has never been difficult for me. In fact, I suppose the need to be loved has been such  a big factor in my life that it has clouded my mind whenever I've started to feel things for someone, who later I'll discover wouldn't do me any good.

I don't know, I would also say that the thought of losing time with someone that isn't right for you scares the shit out of me, since I always feel like I don't have enough time to live. Much less to regret someone.

But at the end of the day, that's what we're all looking for. Someone who loves us. Who gives us that affection that we so desperately seek even if it's never the love we deserve. That everyone, at some point in their life, deserves. That real love, without stories or entanglements. The love that makes you feel free, happy, with hope to live. The one that brings out the best in you while bringing out the best in them. The one that is meant for just you and one other person. The so known as the right one for you.

And as much as I believe in that, in finding someone who is exactly the perfect match, the missing piece of myself, inside me there will always be something that seeks more.

That seeks not to settle for the first one I believe I fell in love with. That seeks to experiment, that seeks to go out with different boys, to fuck with them, to make love to them, to plan a future and then even to break up with them anyways.

Because even if they are good, and give me everything I lack of, there won't be anything proving to me that said first boy will be the right one.

There will be nothing that will prove to me that in the more distant future I will not regret looking at my children and seeing in them the eyes of a partner that, deep down, I have regretted. But I have stayed for convenience. For fear of not finding something else.