Beyond Our Control

Chapter 23

 She ran her fingers along the poems now.

Reading through each word and trying to embrace the meaning of them. Although she only looked through the poems with a star next to it, a marking drawn with pencil. She knew those were the marks that Faye had made, the poems that Faye liked most. She read through each of them, one after another, trying to understand what is the meaning behind each. Trying to grasp why Faye liked it. Trying to understand why Faye is who she is. Why she did what she did. What influenced her to do the actions she does.

Kenna's eyes were urging to close, it was dry from the constant not blinking. She stared at the poems as if they might disappear if she looked away.

Outside her window, the sun was already beginning to rise, the sky slowly switching from dark to light. She hadn't slept at all.

When she came back from Gibson's, she immediately started to go through the poem book Faye had given her. Her first present. She read through all of the marked poems, skipped through the non marked ones. When she was done she reread the marked poems again. Over and over. She wanted to find something in those poems. Something she must've missed from being with Faye. Just something, she just wanted to find something. Anything that stopped Gibson's words from flooding into her mind. Yet it still did.

She stole Skyler from Annika. She knew. She knew. Do you still think that none of this, not one bit, is at all Faye's fault? Faye's fault. Faye's fault. Maybe you are just as blinded by her beauty as Skyler was. You are just as blinded by her beauty. Her beauty. Her beauty. As Skyler was. Skyler. Skyler.

It kept echoing, the sounds running loud then quiet and again. She didn't want to think about it. But it was like the thoughts kept coming back to her. Like they begged for her to listen. Tore her apart just to make her hear it.

And Skyler.

Skyler. Skyler. Skyler.

That name, a name she couldn't even put a face to. Someone she never met or knew yet she's everywhere.

What was so good about her anyways? Was she prettier than Faye? Was she taller? Did she wear her hair down? Or does she wear it the same half up and half down as Faye? Is that why Faye always wears her hair like that? Was she nicer? Was she also a writer? Is she so much better than Faye that not even Faye herself blamed anything on her? What was she even like?

Kenna can feel a rage in her burning up. She quickly shook her head out of the thoughts, but they still echoed faintly nearby. She flipped onto the next page in the book where she reread one of the marked poems.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

- Emily Dickinson

She scratched the back of her head, wondering what the poem had meant. Why it was one of Faye's favorites. She still didn't understand it after reading it for the third time. I shall not live in vain. What had that exactly meant? To not live to be useless? It didn't make sense. She won't live uselessly if she could stop someone from feeling pain? Did Faye connect to this poem? She rather wish the poem didn't exist though if that was so. Faye didn't need to worry about other people's pain. She should worry of her own. If anything, Kenna wanted the pain in those shaky blue eyes to go away. And for whatever reason, she thought maybe she were the one to fix it. And yet, here she is, starting to doubt Faye because of Gibson's story.