Wait For You in 5 Stages

Ch. 4 : Untrue

This timeline can't be right. 

I could only repeat to myself over and over again saying, "Lumine's really gone" to try and grasp the feeling. Everywhere I looked, I had expected Lumine to be there like he always had been. Everything he used before, I never touched because I felt as if he was still here.

So far it's been a week since the funeral and I felt drained. My head constantly hurt. I could only think of him. I still find strings of his white, wavy hair hidden around Camille and Sera's places sometimes. It's so hard to live like this. Seeing everything reminds me of him and I felt almost haunted. Every morning I still expect him to be beside me either in his pup form or had fallen on the ground in his human form.

I had a lump in my throat. It really has been one of the hardest years of my life. I hate this feeling. I hate how I think and how I am living. It reminds me of when dad passed and I just had to move on with my life. It felt disrespectful and I didn't get time to think about anything. I couldn't process my father's or cat's death and now I have to process my best friend's? Who wrote my life story?

My stomach growled.

I had been laying on the couch in Camille's boring house for a while. Lumine and I would lay down so that I can rest my legs on his or we would both flip upside down and get headaches for fun. For the past week, every time I would go to either Camille or Sera's houses, I felt calm listening to the silence when there's a window open. The cold breeze, the talking of adults outside, and even the laughter of children was so reassuring; That I was alive.

Every day I had been living after Lumine died had felt like a dream and I felt almost embarrassed to be alive.  I KNOW he's gone forever but for some reason I still hear his high pitch laugh in those kids outside or think he's the one walking in the kitchen looking for ice cream when it isn't. I can't seem to comprehend that he will never be coming back and that frustrated me. I had cried for hours on multiple days about this but I still think he's the one walking behind me when I'm in the snow.

This can't be the right way to live but is there any right way to live? My ideal life would be to be back home in Solefor, Neptune headquarters, with my dad and Sherry right down the hall and Lumine in my room playing on my phone. Bill would be roaming the house, alive and well, laying in the sun like he liked before. I would bake macarons for everyone and they would compliment me and Lumine would make that dumb face when he stuffs his mouth full of food but has to say something. I would expect Elijah and Calla to be down the street of my house and if only Sera and Camille lived in Solefor with us, that would be my ideal life. 

But that life is far from reality. I just wish this was a dream and all of my wishes would come true. I will sleep more until I get stuck in my own mind.