Wait For You in 5 Stages

Pt.25 : Detached

6PM, I threw on my clothes, a white hoodie I haven't worn in a while, gifted by Sera, and my usual black pants.

I took a deep breath as I stepped outside. It smelled like fresh linen with a hint of lemon. A mixture coming from Camille's laundry and the shops close by.

I remember a few months ago, before I really got to know him, I wanted to start my own bakery. Now, I don't even recall what it feels like to be human. I feel so disconnected with human emotion, response, and action that I can't determine what it was like to be a normal kid.

Ever since he passed, I find myself never making eye contact, more than usually at least, and questioning what relationships and connections are. Why do people act this way when they are fond of eachother? Why do people act that way when they are fighting? Whats the point of worrying about someone who doesn't care for you? I don't get how people just can't let go.

Then again, I'm a hypocrite. I may judge drama but grief has me in a chokehold. I still don't understand why I can't simply think of something else.

Before I knew it, I was behind Sera's apartment building. The snow was fresh, a sheet of soft white covering an inch off the ground. There was a view here, across the railing that kept people inside. This was the spot I found Lumine when he left the house all of a sudden.

I looked over the edge and stared. The beautiful white snow and the light reflecting, bouncing off buildings below we're definitely a sight to see, but it meant nothing. Sometimes I feel like I can't emphasize on a feeling, and today I don't understand beauty.

I want to know what it feels like to appreciate beauty again. I refused to say the name in my head, but I knew exactly what made me really appreciate it. I could see his face in my mind, such a haunting memory but a beautiful soul.

"I like views like these."

Beside me stood a short, semi-transparent, glistening figure with big white ears and a tail. He was looking out at the scene while I kept looking at him.

My eyes burned. I turned away when he looked at me.

"I thought you were gone for good.", I wiped my eyes.

He sighed. "I'm sorry Kody, didn't mean to scare you. I don't know why I disappeared, I sometimes just gain consciousness and I'm back with you. I don't think I can really control it."

I understand it's not his fault but I really was scared. I punched his arm softly, hesitating before pulling my fist away from his hoodie.

He turned to me.

"Kody, can you be mean to me again?"

I was shocked. "What?"

"I want to laugh again and be like how we were before."

This, I understood. Lumine was never the kind of person to be as depressed as I was all the time but his death ruined the both of us. I also miss how we were before.

"Lets go walk then idiot"

I walked off before he said anything and I heard him giggle as he ran up behind me to follow. A smile forced its way onto my mouth but my throat tightened, afraid that when I wasn't looking, he'd disappear again.