Wait For You in 5 Stages

Pt.9 : Phase 3

I wish...

I wish I was just a little younger. When I was 7, my biggest worry was about picking my favorite color and deciding what game to play. When I was 8, my biggest worry was that math problem I couldn't solve and figuring out how to do magic.

But even then, I do not wish to be that age. Because there has always been something wrong with me. Ever since I was born it's as if I was put under a curse; a curse that followed me for the rest of my life. A curse that put me in the hospital every month and gave me an unloving mother who abused me. It doesn't stop there though, then there was Bill and Calla then dad and then Lumine...

My life was never "fine". There was never a point where I was okay. The only time I was fine was when I was no longer me. Before I was born. Before I was even alive. I should not have been born.

But right now, I have to think about what I have left. In front of me is a clutter of clothes and a mess of items scattered around my room in Sera's house. I walked in and it hit me that I hadn't cleaned this room for two months, ever since Lumine died.

I was too lazy to put away dirty clothes and clean up the blankets on the floor. I could hardly sleep anyway. I didn't touch most of these things because Lumine's mess was still there.

His clothes, his pillows, all of his things were just as they had been when he left. I didn't want to touch his things in case he came back to clean it himself.

I finally picked them up. After all the anger and shock Ive felt these past two months, I started to feel like a shell. A husk of who I was before. This is what I mean when I say, I wish I was a little younger.

I wish I was a little younger, even if it's just three months ago, when I had no idea he would leave us so soon. Recalling all the things we did together just a few months ago feels like a bullet through the heart. I wish I had known so I can tell him I loved him.

If I had known, that just a week later that I would find out he was dead, then I would have told him everything about myself. I would have told him about my childhood because he wanted to know. I would have told him how much he meant to me a million times so that he'd understand. I would have hugged him tightly if only I knew I would never see him again..

I wish he was here.

I wish a million times he was back.

I wish on my life that he could still be alive.

I would give anything to see his smiling face again.

If only it had been me to be killed and not him. He had such a long life to live with the potential of reaching his dreams if he was still alive. I would trade my life over to death in a heartbeat if it means I could watch him live a happy life from above.

Even if that means I can't really talk to him again, I would die for him to come back. I would die for him. I would die. I wish I could..

"I wish, at the bottom of my heart, with all the love I have, that Lumine comes back." i spoke out loud.

Our room stayed the same, nothing changed. The conversations outside the door didn't stop and the birds never stopped chirping. Plants didn't stop growing and people didn't stop living. The world stayed the same..

Our room was now clean. I tidied his bed up and left his hoodie folded on the blankets. It was not to forget him, but as an offering for him, so that he's comfy again.