Wait For You in 5 Stages

Pt. 28 : Rot

The cake we bought had to be thrown out.

I didn't want to, and I definitely wish I didn't have to, but I told myself I'd eat it another time with Lumine there beside me. I wanted to show him that I enjoyed his favorite dessert and maybe give him a quick taste of it.

But it rotted.

When I woke up the day after we made macarons together, he wasn't there.

The night before was filled with chatter and quiet whispers. We didn't want to see Camille yet and it was late at night anyway. So we went to our room and talked about literally anything we could grasp without mentioning his...passing.

I remember my eyes throbbing in pain and eventually dozing off every time I blinked so I decided to tell him goodnight and hide under my blankets. I haven't seen him for a week after that.

I realize I get ridiculously worried when I don't see him. I caught myself peeling my nails until the point of bleeding and feeling sick to my stomach recently. I resist sleep just in case I might miss him but that only results in my head feeling as if it's about to cave in. Camille noted that I've been oddly looking around often and Sera tells me she can sense my heart racing almost every half-hour although nothing provokes me.

All I could do is flip over in bed and trace the rough edges of the wall with my finger. Or follow snowflakes as they fall onto the window sill.

I hate that it bothers me so bad. It's like I obviously know he's gone and its probable that he's gonna disappear because he's a fucking spirit so why am I feeling so nauseous whenever I see strands of white hair?

I hate how utterly hopeless I am without him. Why am I so desperate to see him again. If anything, It'd probably be better if I didn't see him again.

I've been in the living room for some time, contemplating these things. I had my head resting on my hand and my head slowly turned to the window beside me. I watched a group of kids run by, one wearing a red hoodie and a boy beside him wearing a green one. I turned away.

I closed my eyes, exhaled, then slammed my hands on the table. I stood up and without hesitation, threw my sweater on and made my way back outside.

A glimmer of hope told me I'd see him again if I went outside.

Though unknowingly, it was a mistake.