Wait For You in 5 Stages

Pt.17 : Grace

Lumine sat beside me, wearing the familiar warm smile that I loved so much. My heart felt ablaze and burning with shock and pain. His eyes still reflected the love I once shared with him but the scars and dark circles painted him to be a completely different person.

My heart wrestled between the feelings of overwhelming joy and the disparity of loss. I had seen him not that long ago but it was still surreal to actually SEE him in front of me although he died months ago. In this moment, I can't move, all I could do was scan his face and determine whether if he's a hallucination or a miracle.

His presence should be impossible. I never believed in ghosts, only curses like Bill. Perhaps Lumine had cursed me?

As I was still frozen in shock, his ethereal being leaned into me and wrapped his arms around my neck. I finally broke out of my disbelief to slowly hug him back.

I could feel the cloth of his hoodie and could detect his significant smell. The hug felt like nothing was wrong. It felt peaceful. I didn't feel the rips in his sweater or smell any blood coming off of him, it was as if he was reverted back to 3 months and 15 days ago.

Lumine told me one time that when we hug, our hearts touch. So when we were sad, we would hug to 'share the love'. I was always embarrassed when he said those kinds of things to me but I never forgot it. And I never missed the chance to hug him.

He let go first and looked at me. His eyes were dim. A faint scar would appear on his left eye if I focused enough and I realized that I was being deceived by the divine. I'm not supposed to see the scars and blood.

I felt sad.

"Lumine. I miss you so much." I started.

"I don't know how you're doing it but you are here in front of me even though you died a while back. It's been...hard without you."

Talking to him like this is extremely unlike me. I rarely opened up to him and even if I did, I would cut the conversation short.

"I miss you a lot. I can't express how much I need you and I feel...so...shitty not being able to help you back then. All this time I spent thinking about how much of an asshole I was to you.."

My voice cracked. Hot tears spilled from my eyes and started staining the couch.

"You were a lot of help to me. I'm really thankful you came into my life and protected me from the beginning. I really think it was a miracle that I found you when I was lost...literally."

I chuckled.

He smiled too.

He grabbed my hand and held it while I talked.

"You were really kind to my dad and my family."

This is where I started becoming unintelligible. I started coughing and sobbing loudly. But I tried to tell him:

"You stayed by my side in the hospital. And at that stupid school. You helped me deal with those dumb bullies and you were the reason I felt better in the end. You introduced me to so many things and I am so happy we became friends so we could argue over stupid stuff and have dumb conversations when we traveled together. I never got to say it because I protected my peace too much,

but I loved you"

I couldn't see his expression through my tears. My blurred vision made it look like he was perfectly fine and not...ghostly at all.

The golden sun started shining through the windows and he was glowing, he always did during sunsets. He was a spectral luminescence.

His hands let go of mine and guided my face into his shoulder and let me cry for a while as he rubbed my back. I had never felt this much comfort and protection in my life. Not from Bill, not from Neptune HQ, not even my own father consoled me like this. I always held in my tears, but in this moment, my tears fell heavy with unspoken emotions.

After some time, my tears subsided and me and Lumine fell into a silent tranquility. I stayed on his shoulder and finally shut my tired eyes to rest against him. I noticed he hadn't spoken a word that entire time. I wasn't upset that he didn't say anything. I knew Lumine had never seen me cry this much and I knew he was pretty bad at comforting with communication.

Like when dad died and I first cried in front of him, he was at a loss for words and it was always awkward when he'd ask if I wanted to talk about it because we both knew he was bad at talking through things. Instead, he started guiding me to towards other things to get my mind off my issues. He was a mesmerizing interlude from the eclipse of my problems even if it was just for an hour or two.

Eventually, I peeled myself away from him and we both fell back onto the couch and just stared at each other. The lingering silence and his dilated pupils influenced a redness to tint my cheeks. I already completely forgot that I said I loved him just a few minutes ago. I looked away.

"Are you...real?" I felt somewhat stupid but it was reasonable question.

"Yea...sorry If I'm being too quiet. It feels like my senses after death kinda-- went up?"

Yea, it was definitely Lumine. He never found the right words when speaking and always sounded clumsy. I was still taken aback though by his initial words. So he really knows he's dead...

"Increased?" I spoke back.

"Oh yea." He laughed.

I turned to him again to see his smile while he laughed. I smiled too.

"You're still stupid."

"Kody!"

He giggled like we were 4 months younger. It really was not so long ago.

He sighed and his dull expression took over again.

"How have you been?" He whispered.

He seemed shy. Like he was afraid of whatever my answer was about to be.

"Today was one of my best days in a while. Without you has definitely been hard. Everyone misses you. Even the bakery lady and the people at the arena want to see you again."

I tried to divert the focus from myself to the others because I knew he was really worried about how I handled it. He knew I was really destructive when it came to loss.

He stared into the carpet for a moment to think before returning back to me. His eyebrows were ruffled and his eyes were squinted and searching my eyes for something. I think he knew.