Why? (Depressed Eren X Captain Levi)

Chapter 20

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~-Moving Out-~

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{Eren}

I lay on the floor, watching as Captain fell into a deep sleep. Admiring his face while he's slept, curious about how a relaxed face can turn so grumpy when awake. Taking in my last glances at Captain before I slowly began unwrapping my arms from his slim body. Resting my weight on my hand, supported by my wrist, while watching the Captain's chest slowly rise and fall. Hoping he'd wake up so we could continue our conversation about the expedition, tomorrow. Fearing the possibility that one of us might not make it.

I sighed as I figured that he wouldn't wake up as his snores only got louder. I slowly picked up his restless body, carrying him in my arms. My chest began to warm up from his heat, his soft breathing hitting my neck. Sending small chills down my spine. I smudged into the warmth, one last time while it slowly faded away as I set him down onto his cot. The Captain slept restfully in his cot as I slowly returned to mine, my mind slowly beginning to wander. Thoughts of the conversation I had with Jean while I sat myself down.

My comrades were getting things organized for the expedition along with being given their capes that signify their department. When I looked at them putting on their capes, it made me remember Marcos. If I hadn't gone into a rampage at that moment, Marco would've made it or had gotten back up. I sighed as I mentally beat myself up, Jean shortly noticed and eventually came to me after his patience shortened.

"I heard you tried to kill Mikasa when you turned into a Titan. What's that about?" Jean lashed out. My face dropped, I, have no memory of the damage I caused and secondly, I had no ounce of concern for my comrade.

During the incident, I was stuck in a memory or a delusion.

Attempting to explain myself but my words wouldn't come out, I couldn't find the words to explain what had happened.

Mikasa came to my defense. Standing between Jean and I, creating a wall almost. Wishing for the Captain to help me escape from all this, but the situation only gradually got worse once Jean pointed out a scar on Mikasa's cheek. A scare, I've never noticed. my eyes quickly shifted to where Mikasa's scar was while Jean continued to ramble on, in anger.

I had never noticed the scar, had she hidden it from me this whole time?

Again, Mikasa attempted to calm Jean down but I knew that the heated argument could only be resolved if I explained. I stopped Jean and Mikasa's argument to give him my explanation. "It's true. I tried to kill Mikasa when I was in Titan form". Everyone stood in silence with a dumbfounded look on their faces, especially Jean; I don't think he thought I'd admit to my inability.

"Eren, can you control yourself when you're a titan?" Jean questioned as he took a step closer, trying to uphold his dominance.

I stood there as he waited for a response. I know I have more control over my titan ability now, but the process of it is still haunting. Jean soon took a step back, taking my silence as an answer. He turned over to the rest of our classmates and perched on why they were leaving their lives in my hands as if I couldn't handle or protect myself. I never asked for the scout's protection, I never even asked for my abilities.

Jean word's struck me down, causing me to shut down all over again. His words stabbed me like a knife drenched in lemon juice, everything he said was all right. I made them come here because of my wishes and beliefs. How can I protect them when I can't protect myself...

"Jean just stopped!" Mikasa yelled out to Jean.

"Mikasa, you don't get it, do you.." Jean sighed, "Eren, our lives are yours; make our fight worth it; make your new title worth it." Jean finally said

If I weren't in front of everyone I would've started crying and fallen to my knees but I instead gave them a small chuckle as a small sense of relief flowed through my body. Everyone believes in me, so I must be helping in some way, right...?

This feeling of not doing enough is suffocating...

Letting my body fall as my back hit the soft cold cot, my legs still dangling off the side while I stared up at the ceiling. Staying there for some time before shifting onto the cot completely, laying on my side, letting my body embrace the cot. My eyes drifted over to Captain as he slept, reminding me to write this about tonight's thinking in the journal that the captain had given me.

My eyes slowly fell heavy and closed I Whispering over to Captain, saying my final goodnight before finally resting.

The night went on as the sun rose, the slumbering soldiers no longer resting as they raced up and down the halls. Assessing their gear and weapons ready for battle. Groups of soldiers prepped the horses assuring their being fed and hydrated, while other groups were double-checking the flare guns and assembling them by color and code before hopping onto their horses. Racing to line up at the wall Maria the screams and yelling of civilians roamed in the background. They weren't too fond of the Scouts.

Eren looked around, enjoying this perspective of the exhibition while he waited at the walls surrounded by the Levi squad. Eren always wondered what it felt like to be out there, beyond the walls and now is his time to experience it.

A small rush of anxiety flowed through the Eren as they were given the order to head out, will it go fondly or deadly...?