The Way I Loved You

128.

To the man that my Simone will love,

If you are reading this, then that means I am probably not there anymore. Dahil kung nand'yan ako, sigurado na sermon ang inabot mo sa akin. Pero kaya ko nga ito ginawa, dahil nalintindihan ko na hiram lang ang buhay natin. At kung bigla man akong mawala, alam kong may iiwan pa rin ako.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito sisimulan. Kung nabubuhay pa ako, alam ko na ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa yo. Pero susubukan kong pagkasyahin dito.

Alam mo, Simone was the first one who brought joy in my life, aside from my wife, and she was the first one who called me "Papa" as my eldest. She is my first baby girl, and she is a stubborn one at that. Maldita 'yan, magastos, high maintenance, at maraming gustong gawin.

Pero kung maldita man ang anak ko, that maldita Simone is just her putting up her defenses. Ayaw niya nang nasasaktan. Ayaw niya na minamaliit siya ng iba. Ayaw niyang ipinapakita na mahina siya. Kung magastos at high maintenance man siya, that is because she deserves what she is asking for and she knows her worth. Kung marami man siyang gustong gawin, that is because she knows she can.

And my Simone is a good daughter. She is the achiever in the family. She is the one who looks out for her siblings. She is the one who always gives me and her mama the sweetest messages to show her appreciation. And she is the one who says I love you a lot.

But even with all these, I know my Simone is not perfect. You may think that she tells you everything, but she won't. She will not tell you when she is hurting, she will not tell you when she is tired. And God forbid she asks for help.

That is why I always make sure to ask her how she is. It is my way of saying that I am here for her, and for when she is ready to talk about it, when she is ready to ask for my help. Sa ganitong paraan ko siya hinayaang huminga, at sa ganitong paraan niya ipinaunawa sa akin ang tapang niya.

She made me realize that she is not stubborn. She just needs to be understood, to be heard, to be supported. Not because she is too proud, but because she wants to do it for herself. Because she can. Because she just needs time.

And if this is not too much to ask, I hope you will be patient with her. Alam ko na nakakapagod unawain kung minsan. Na nakakapagod ang mga pagtaboy. Na nakakapagod kapag may dinadala siya na gusto niyang para sa sarili niya lang. Pero sana, hintayin mo si Simone na maging handa. Hintayin mong ibahagi niya sa'yo ang mga lungkot at sakit niya, hintayin mo kung hindi pa.

Understand that she needs time to allow herself to embrace her hurt, her failures. That she needs time to figure things out for herself. Then she will tell you, then she will ask if she truly needs help. Matapang ang anak ko. Hindi mo siya kailangan itayo palagi. Ang kailangan mo lang, manatili para sa kanya.

At sana, maging matapang ka. It takes bravery to let someone fly on her own. To let her pick herself up when she falls. But we cannot always be her hero. We can only do so much and love her as we give her the freedom that she needs to do things for herself.

'Wag mong sukuan ang anak ko, ha? Kahit may mga araw na hindi siya kapili-pili, kahit hindi mo siya naiintindihan, kahit nakakapagod. Minsan, naiisip ko, masyadong matapang si Simone pero kailangan lang niya ng tatanggap at iintindi sa kanya. And in doing so, I hope you do not try to dim her light. I hope you do not contain her with your love. Do not teach her to be dependent of you. Just hold her hand. Just stay. Just keep on loving her.

Para kahit wala na ako, at least there is someone who will see her the way I do. Or maybe more. I hope it is more because that is what my Simone deserves.

And you having this letter means that you already have my blessing through her mama. But the most important blessing will always come from my daughter, okay?

P.S. If I see you hurt my Simone from up here, I am going to haunt you for life.

P.P.S. Please tell Simone that I love her so much. That I will always be here, maybe not physically, but I am. And she will always feel that. And please tell her that I am proud of her. Abogada na ba ang anak ko? I know she is. Sana ipakulong ka niya kapag sinaktan mo siya.

Pero kung totoong mahal mo siya, salamat. Salamat dahil nand'yan ka para sa anak ko. Salamat dahil inuuwa mo si Simone. Salamat.

- Papa Simon