While We Wonder [#Wattys2015]

Part 1; Alice, Chapter 1

Dear dad, I don't know what would people say in such situations, but I say something only a few would say, fewer would listen to, and 1 out of 10 people would understand.
"It's not about right and wrong, it's about learning a hundred lessons of life, enjoying ten things you do, making the same mistake only once, and regretting NONE." I say that because it's what you taught me. I'm telling you everything that happened two years ago now, things that I've only found closure for, now. Because before you left us, before you left me, within two years, you started to be tired and sick, and I struggled between telling you and not, because I didn't think I'd have my happy ending, I didn't think I'd have an actual closure to everything, and I thought you'd think the same, and would pity me, or worse, you'd get upset for me, which by the way would get me to think too much, even more than I was thinking, and well, we've all seen how I handle that. I'm sorry that I've kept all that a secret from you. I didn't mean it that way. And I absolutely didn't mean to make you think I'm growing and don't need you anymore, because no matter how old I am I will always need you. I need you right now, but I can do nothing about it, and that's that, when you died a part of me just died with you, because I really, really loved you, alive. And I'm writing these letters because I know you're looking after me from the heavens, from the seventh sky, and I know you can read this. I hope you are. I'm just trying to make sure you know that I'm okay. And that I've earned my happy ending. And that the past two years of my life are going to make you so proud of me when you know all about them. Because, I love you so much.
Your daughter,
Alice
Dear dad, It all started on my sixteenth birthday, I was out with Naomi, Sarah (you know I like to keep it simple), and there were two boys. I knew none of them both; I just knew my two girl friends. That's all. Until now, I don't know whose friends were they. I think Naomi flirted with one, or one flirted with her and she played hard to get. I don't know for sure, I'm just assuming, not judging my friend, just assuming as I know her and I know her attitude, especially with guys. It's not that I think she's a bad person, not at all; I love her so much, I mean she's my best friend. Anyways, one of them, his name is Timothy, but people call him Tim, he started talking and talking and talking and he couldn't just stop talking, so I went to ladies room, said I had to pee. I went there and realized that a very hard headache had gotten to me, we were at The Groove, I started for the first time thinking about the name of the place, I've been spending time there ever since I was a kid and I never actually thought about the name of it "The Groove" I mean what kind of person calls a place basically "the routine" I mean it's what it's meant. But I stayed in the ladies room for about fifteen minutes thinking about the name, over and over again, then finally, I came out. That Tim guy was still talking, I couldn't believe it, if I were him my jaw would've hurt me already, how did his friends put up with him, I thought, and with a sigh I went over there, slid back to my seat, and ordered food. "I thought you flushed yourself in the toilet seat, what took you so long?" Naomi asked in my ears, I guess no one heard her
"I've got a headache because of that guy, and he wouldn't shut it, I had to listen to any voice other than his, even if it meant water flushing and the tap, anything was better than him." I said with a low voice because I was too sensitive at that moment I didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings. I'll skip the rest of the details anyway, but something got us into the point where both guys knew it was my birthday and decided to give me "the real meaning" to it. They took me to a bar at a club, a real club. I've never been into one of these things, but I've got to admit that I loved it. They bought us drinks with their fake IDs and when I asked 'What if we got caught?' They said it would just make the day better, I couldn't figure out how, but I decided to stop thinking and focus in the present moment that I have in my hands. Who cares about anything else? I mean I'm drinking something I don't know but obviously is alcohol, which got bought by a fake id, on my 16th birthday, and I'm dancing and singing to the top of my lungs, so who cares what happens up next. Let us just live for the moment. I kind of think that is everyone's problem, that it's so hard for them to focus on the moment, lost by thinking about mistakes in the past, or anxiety from the future, or the thought of 'Why didn't I do that?' Or 'if I could only go back in time....' And it all follows, but thinking 'Why' wouldn't change the idea that the thing has happened, and thinking about time traveling, doesn't change the fact that you can't, so why think about that in the first place? And I also think that's what causes the worst decisions we take in life, because we're not focusing on what IS we're focusing on what WAS or WILL and even WHAT IF, we're too busy with these thoughts, that we ruin the moment because of fears and thoughts of what could and will and might be while all we need to focus on is NOW. And only now.
Your daughter,
Alice.