While We Wonder [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 3

Dear dad, I was sitting, remembering everything, every moment, and every memory. The first thing I recalled was what he said at the bar on my birthday when I was worried we'd get caught he said "It would only make it better." he laughed. Was that irony? "Why do you care anyway? Just have fun for now" he shouted so I could hear him over the crowd. He made me carefree, made me feel like nothing in the world matters. Nothing mattered to me anymore.
You're right. We're dead anyway. I thought. Don't you think so? We're born, we live. Some of us choose to lead their lives; others let their lives lead them. It's all nothing but a choice. It's all or nothing. We'll all be dead. Today, tomorrow, or a decade later. It doesn't matter, we're dead anyway. We can't have it all good nor can we have it all bad, but we can have it all at one perspective. Positive. A positive perspective is all we need. We are never put in situations we can't handle, if we couldn't handle what we have, we would've been dead the second it was thrown at us, wouldn't we? That's what he got me thinking from one simple question why do you care... It's simple, but also complicated, he didn't mean to make it so, but it is a combination of simple thoughts and opinions bringing out a simple question, but the answer is what is complicated, because there is no answer, no one can answer that. And that made it complicated, which was everyone's answer. It's complicated. Why do we care? Why do you care? Why do I care? Maybe we care out of love for each other, maybe we care about staying out of trouble because of our concern of the consequences, maybe it's the common sense of the human nature or being, and maybe we don't have a reason at all. I just figured, the only thing worth caring for, is another living thing, whether it's a human, a dog, a cat, or even a fish, it was the only thing worth caring about and the only good reason to care for them, is out of love, friendship, and our good hearts. And I guess any other reason or thing to care for or about is just nonsense and is simply barriers and walls we're building to avoid living, because we don't know what living is like, and we fear the unknown. I used to fear the unknown. Then I remembered one time when we were out on the beach. We were there from sunrise to sunset. It was a marvelous feeling, being with the one, I was sure he was the one. It was amazing, being in love, having fun, running to the waves, chasing each other like we're little kids, swimming together, hugging, kissing, it was everything about us that made me happy. It was everything we did that made me have fun. It was being together, that made me feel invincible. We were invincible. And from this moment and on, I feared nothing anymore, nothing can stand in my way, and nothing can make me scared. I remembered our fights together, how I wanted him to quit smoking pot and getting high, how it pissed me off he never actually listened. He was just like I promise I'll stop and then 5 minutes later I find him rolling a blunt or smoking weed or whatever these guys do. We fought a lot, he bear it because he knew I was only this way because I was anxious about what that stuff would do to him, sometimes in a fight when he wasn't in the mood for one, he would just tell me to loosen up a bit or that I'm too uptight and that makes me boring. That stuff never hurt any of my feelings, if being uptight is refusing to get high or smoke weed, because even if that stuff solves your problems, it will create others. And you can't solve these by smoking again right? You can't solve a problem by the thing that created it in the first place. Then I'm uptight. I remembered how we fought for each other, how we fought together for our own sakes, it was fighting for something because there was something right there between us that we needed to protect, we wanted to protect what we had. At least it's how it felt when it happened. And then came the devastating moment, when I remembered the moment I saw him cheating, that wasn't fighting for us. That was fighting against us. It was horrible, later on, knowing I am "the other woman" I don't know if you know this term, but when someone is dating someone and then cheats with a third person, that third person is called the other woman. It felt horrible being her, but I can't imagine what the girl he was with felt. How can you bear the thought that you weren't enough for who you love? That they took off and had someone else, besides you? How can someone take that? She must be very strong. She deserves better than him, than what I deserve, and than what she settles for. She must think I'm the whore who stole her guy. Maybe she thinks I'm a poor girl who got cheated on just like her. Maybe she thinks I knew it and I wanted to make them break up. Maybe she thinks she wasn't enough for him and that it wasn't mine or his fault, maybe she thinks it's her fault. Maybe she moved on and rejects talking to him or having any sorts of contact with him. I don't know. I just recalled all that, I remembered everything, I remembered being happy with him, fighting with him, fighting for him, and feeling a spark between us. But who was I kidding? A spark? That stuff only exists in movies, books, stories. UNREALISTIC things. Stuff based on poor people's thoughts and rejected hopes, just like me, but after all it was imaginary. Maybe I was trapped in the thought we'd have a happy ending, get married, have kids who we tell our story to and inspire with it, give them hope that if today is good, tomorrow will be better. Give them something to be thrilled about, something to look for, and wait patiently to come. And when it does come, they'd hold onto it so tightly, they'd never let it go, because they're that selfish with what they love, that they want to keep it safe with themselves. Even if it wasn't a person, it could be a career, a dream, a place they want to go, a hobby, a championship. It could be anything. But whatever it is, they'd work hard for it and to get to it, no matter what are the obstacles and barriers ahead of them, they'd find their way, and would fight to get to what they want. That is what I longed for, that is what I'll give my children, when I'm a married woman, with the job of my dreams, the husband that I love and who loves me back, the one who cares, respects, and accepts me for who I am. That vows to always make me feel safe, and that through all our problems, ups and downs, he will work his share to make it work out, because it's what he wants. And the thought of that, cleared my head, gave me something to look forward to, the job that I want, the husband, and the new generation I want to raise. That gave me hope.