While We Wonder [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 2

Dear dad, I think you know what happened next. We started going out a lot and we talked a lot over the phone and it was amazing. Tim I mean. I didn't notice I was falling for him. We got close pretty fast, so did I and John, his bestfriend and soon was mine too. Tim, though, was different he was closer to me than I was to myself. And that is how much I let him in. You've always told me that I push people away, that I push everyone away, including family and friends and that you never knew why. Well I guess I'm afraid of showing the real me to anyone, scared of what they'd think or more importantly, scared that they'd leave me. Abandon me, just because I have so much insecurities and conflicts that I tend to hide and ignore, which makes them grow even bigger by time because I never really share them with anyone. And I shared them. It was that different. Tim was that different. I let him in. He saw the part of me that no one actually knew existed. And it was that easy to develop. I just trusted him with my whole being, he knows I'm not as strong as I seem to be, he knows sometimes I am losing it, and he knows it when I'm breaking down. And step by step, I fell for him. I fell really hard, I was blinded, and I didn't even notice I was in love with him, yes. I was that blinded. We loved each other and we admitted it to each other, it was official, we were dating, a couple of amazing spontaneous and extraordinary dates, and I was all his. But then, a day came where I was just randomly and I swear randomly walking down the streets, the street where he lives and I just go there sometimes. I guess it's a force of habit. And I just found him there. Guilty as charged. He was with a girl, I never minded him staying with a girl alone, which was normal, of course he has friends, but they were kissing. It seemed like passionate kissing, the kind of kiss I longed for. His hands were wrapped around her waist, he held her tightly, fiercely. One of her hands was on the side of his face, touching like she's blind and memorizing his face with the touches. Like she's imagining him and the way he looked. The other hand going through his silk-like hair. I didn't even know I loved him that much until I felt the pain that burst inside me. I was shocked, I didn't cry, since then, I don't ever let a tear out except when I have a billion things piling up inside of me.
"Well isn't it beauty and the beast themselves?" I let out with a laugh
"Who are you? And what's your deal, anyway?" Said the girl
"My deal? Ohh here's 'my deal' you see you do not see your boyfriend cheating on you and just walk away from the scene and then everybody lives happily ever after, do you?" I said it like I actually meant for it to be a real question
"What? Tim is that true? Excuse me miss but, I AM Tim's girlfriend"
"Alice, let's just..." Anxiety filled his voice, like I could smell freaking adrenaline rushing in his systems and veins, like literally everywhere.
"No no don't you dare say a word, let me say what you were about to say, hmm, let's see" I interrupted, and after a little while I continued "you were saying let's just talk somewhere else? Or let's just wait for tomorrow then we could talk when I'm all calm down and you figured out a lie to tell? I don't think so" I said as calm as I could, but I bet on my life he saw all the fury, questions, and hatred in my eyes, but above all. Being hurt. He saw it there too, because it was there, and I was hurt. I'm sorry that this letter will be so wet, but I just feel like I've gone through a lot and I need to tell you all about it and let it all out, it's like everything has piled up and all at once has exploded. I just really need to feel your existence, I need to know that there's someone who's actually there for me. And I also think that's enough for this letter.
Your daughter,
Alice
Dear dad, I will try to cut the details short, because well, some of them are unneeded, others will just make you hate him even though I bet you didn't like him in the first place, and well the rest will make you think your daughter is an idiot with awful taste in guys. Which I am. So after I told him that I'm not going to wait for his lies, he tried to make it up to us, to both of us. That mysterious girl and I. Well, he failed with both of us, and felt like she'll easily drop it, so there he went, saying the most dreadful and the most hurtful thing I've ever heard in my life he said It's her right to be upset, but not me, so why am I anyway? That's exactly how he said it, with quite the tension and anger in his voice as if I was the one cheating over there. So, I left, without uttering a single word or trying to argue. After all, it wasn't worth it. So I left and I found him coming after me, running and calling my name, trying to stop me but the first thing that came into my mind, got out of my mouth, I didn't think, I just 'spit it' I told him I don't have the right to be angry, so why is he coming after me? Does he notice everyone in life when everyone starts ignoring him and walking away? And it was a real question; I needed the answer, no fury, and no anger, just the question that demanded an answer, and nothing else. He started again with the apologies and I just couldn't handle him anymore, he needed to go away, and that is something for some reason that God knows what is so hard for him to do. So I told him I'm neither upset nor angry but I don't trust him until he proves to me that he is worthy of my trust and till then we can go back to being friends. He agreed because I told him that is the most he can get out of me, and he knows it when I mean something. So I didn't trust him for over four months and I didn't talk to him the same way I used to for two months, and that drove him crazy. I pushed him away, and every time something was bothering me and he asked what's wrong I'd have one of three replies, only three replies for four months and one reply for two months. The one reply was "why do you care?" And I never made it sound like it was just something random about why he actually asks or cares it was specifically about him, he understood that from my tone, but he tolerated with me until he'd had enough, which honestly was his right, because he got his punishment, yet I was so harsh on him. I wasn't holding a grudge, if that's what you're thinking. I just couldn't trust him, since I trusted no one it was easier to push him away, even though he cared, but making him stay away from me and give up on our friendship or relationship or whatever we were having. It was all just easier. I shut everyone out, and the single person I let in, disappoints me the most of all people I've met and all people that hurt me, he just disappointed me and encouraged me not to trust anyone ever again. Not by his words of course, by his actions. Maybe my heart processed that in longer time than my mind. But I don't think with my heart, I use my mind. And only my mind. That was that. I decided that the right thing was move on. I took the decision and I started working towards my goal which is actually move on and let go, because believe it or not dad, we had so many memories that are easily held onto but not easily left.
You daughter,
Alice.