While We Wonder [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 4

Dear dad, after all the thinking I've told you about, I decided to go back to normal with Tim, I thought I healed, that he learned, that he will be better, but sometimes life makes you curse your high hopes, expectations, and thoughts. Thinking it is all nothing but bullshit. I literally cursed expectations that night. I started opening up again, it was easier than expected, and it scared me to death. I thought I would be insecure around him and that I would think twice before telling him any secret of mine, but that did not happen. It was all a piece of cake, but I was unsure about it. I felt that something was wrong. "I could feel something wrong with all this, I swear it," I told Naomi, I was really concerned and scared and it was all confusing, I mean I started trusting him again and I didn't doubt it while being with him, but when I snap out of it and just as soon as he's gone or our conversation has ended, I doubt everything. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt him. And I doubt myself. Something I'm really not used to, but I kept telling myself that I'm a strong girl and that no matter what is going on, I'll get through it. "Look, I know you love Tim; I understand that, honestly I do... But I don't get what are you feeling exactly, you know what you're saying just needs a little bit of clarification and a little less conflict." She said in a warm voice
"I don't know what's wrong, but I just feel it, I'm worried and it's like I forget that feeling when I'm around him or the moment I'm telling him anything... I don't know," I sounded confused and about to give up
"Then why don't you just not trust him and see if that feeling fades away?"
"I can't, I told you I forget everything when I'm around him, it's like he's compelling me or..." I let out a sigh "I just don't know"
"You mean you're so in love that he takes your mind off things? Alice, I have never seen you as a loving person, I never even thought you loved anyone, I mean don't get me wrong but you treat people like crap and you ignore the ones you actually like or love or about to get close to, so why Tim? I mean he's not attractive, he hasn't got an accent, he isn't rich, he isn't smart and sexy, he just has good hair and ruined, messes up mind, so why him?"
"It's not his appearance," I said
"What is he a genius that just acts stupid?" She interrupted and said that in the most sarcastic way on Earth, I let out a laugh "Because darling, I have to tell you that no one smart is that talkative, smart people keep smart shit to themselves" she continued
"Look, it's not that, he's just amazing, fun, stubborn, trustworthy,"
"Trustworthy? Are you insane? How could Tim be trustworthy? In what kind of way? The cheater liar way or the cold 'why are you sad anyway' way? You are so out if your mind" she was furious
"I mean, the secretive way." I smiled and then went scared and everything was not right and I just was out. Everything around me was a mute, Naomi was talking and talking and I was looking her dead in the eyes, but I didn't hear a thing, my mind started spinning into this weird spiral or that tornado like shape, it was purple and confusing, scary but safe. I was thinking about everything, not just Tim. Everything. I was thinking about you and how more sick you were becoming by the day, I was thinking "What was mom going through?" I was thinking this all might not be over, I was thinking how my 2 sisters were handling everything, you, school, friends, family, love life, their whole lives, and I was thinking about myself. I thought it can't always be about me, and I can't always take care of only myself, because that was not me, it never was, and I thought about what made me like this, it was Tim, he changed me, I was half dark now. Because of him, I wasn't helping out anymore, I wasn't the shoulder for anyone to cry on anymore. So I decided from this moment and on, it wouldn't be about me anymore that this is much of everyone's story, just as much as it is mine, I'm just the one reciting it.
Your daughter,
Alice
"How are you Naomi?" I asked
"What? I'm fine, we're not here to talk about me it's about you" she said surprisingly
"No, answer me"
"I told you I'm fine, don't change the subject"
"No Naomi, I mean, how are you?" I asked meaning it, not like when everyone asks it, I really needed to know how she was, what's going on in her life, and I needed to know everything about her, about everyone. I was too consumed by myself, that I didn't notice anyone else, it was sad, ignoring your friends to take care of yourself, selfish. When I asked mom whether I'm selfish or not, without mentioning what I did, casually, I didn't even tell her why I was asking she said that I'm selfish, that I've always been since I was a kid. I didn't consider it something to be upset about, because well, she's my mom, she doesn't mean to hurt me, but I really hope you were here to remind me that next time I should ask a friend instead. Or you wouldn't have needed because well, you'd be here to ask. I don't want to get all upset but that's just something I miss about you. Well, I felt pretty bad when I found out what happened to Naomi the few past months that I haven't been around, she's been raped. It's awful, isn't it? I can't imagine what she's been through, and I thought Tim was too much? Who was I kidding? I just learnt that no matter what you've been through, there's always someone who has been through much less, and one who has been through much more. That no matter how bad you have it, there's always someone that has it better, and one who has it worst. That no matter what time you need to heal, you can always find time to keep up with others. It's just sad that I didn't even notice that something was wrong with my own bestfriend; it was crazy, and just as equally sad. She said it was a guy that was "hitting on" her and she wasn't in the mood she was just at the bar for a drink and he was trying to get her to have sex with him, and she told him to leave her alone, he wouldn't go away and she wasn't in the mood for a fight, which is weird, but I'll continue telling you the story exactly the way she said it. So she just started walking away, he was approximately our age maybe older within a year or two, he kept walking behind her, until outside when she turned around and shouted at his face asking what he wanted and to leave her alone. He said he just wanted to talk and Naomi's reply was simple "I'm sure you have a lot of people that would find pleasure in what you have to say. Unlike me of course." She said
"Why do you keep rejecting me?"
"Listen, whoever the hell you are, you truly don't want to talk to me, not today. So I'll walk away right now and we never had this conversation, got it?"
He pushed her against the wall, it was a narrow dark street, he pushed her and held her wrists against the wall, she started shouting and telling him to let go of her, saying he's insane. He started unzipping her pants then his, and then I don't need to tell you what happened, he did it, he raped her, she was a virgin, and now she isn't, she told her parents, and me, and no one else. Her parents wanted to go to the police and take it to the court. But Naomi refused. She likes making everything public and to be the centre of attention, but not this time, she didn't want to be "the raped girl" or "the poor girl" or "the one that got what she deserved" because she's mean and she didn't want to walk around knowing that people are looking at her and wondering how she was doing or how is she handling everything or the people that don't know what happened would see everybody looking at her and would start wondering why, maybe they'd think she's the one that stood up against bullies, or that she's the bully, or that they're at school like the one in Mean Girls and she's the leader, they would think of it as any regular teenage reasons after all, that's what's more logical. She didn't want that. She wanted to be Naomi, just Naomi.
Your daughter,
Alice