While We Wonder [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 6

Lucas was astonished, but he was always the kind of person who doesn't judge, he reminds me of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower when Patrick (his friend) said "He's a wallflower" "You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand"  that was kind of the way Lucas was. Lucas too, was a wallflower, he still is.
I saw it in his eyes, he was confused and wanted to ask me "Why?" And "How?" But he didn't because he did not think about it in a way to make me feel bad about myself, he did not ask so he would not blame me, he knew i had to have a reason, he knew in my case death and murder were justified, but i never believed that. Even if interrogations pointed out it's okay. Even if law justified it. Even though in court i was a victim. Even though i work in the SVU which the Special VICTIMS Unit. I do not believe i am a victim. I've always thought of myself as the prone.
A few minutes later James and Nina got back, they were laughing, they were happy, then, then you saw Frank, they saw my blood-covered hand, they saw the gun beside me, they saw the bruise on my face from Frank's hit across my face, they saw my shirt ripped, they saw the scratches over my leg, they saw everything and they were the fastest of all of us to understand and to take it all in, but there's one thing they didn't know, why, they weren't here and they didn't know, and they needed to, and i get it now, but back then i was having an asthma attack, an unstoppable flow of tears out of my eyes, indescribable pain all over my body, and i was chocking on the words i tried to say.
"What the hell happened in here?" James asked and it was pretty obvious he was trying to stay calm despite the anger pulsing inside him, i saw his neck turn red an veins pumping out of it
"I don't know," Lucas answered
"What do you mean you don't know? Ha? We leave you for an hour and we come back to our friend's funeral? And you're telling me you don't know what happened? If you don't then who the hell does?" Burst out James
"Look man, he was trying to rape her and was drunk then started to hit her and i don't know he knocked me down and i blacked out, i don't know what happened i woke up and found him dead," he said anxiously
The police arrived then, they asked us all questions and took us out of the mountains and went to a precinct i don't know where and asked a lot of questions and all our parents came and Frank's parents came and i thought they were going to attack me for what happened, but they did nit, how you may ask. I don't know, i killed their only son and all they did was look me in the eye, and i couldn't help it but i let a few tears out, i didn't cry or sob. Do you know the kind of silent cry where a few tears just drift down your face and suddenly it stops and you're okay, because suddenly you actually believe that you'll be okay. That everything will be okay? That's how i cried.
Investigations were made, trials were delayed, till the last trial, the one that had all the stress and all the questions and all the crying and all the happiness and all the sadness. But i think all en trials are like that. I think there are always sad cries for the losing side and happy tears for the winning side. I think the first trial and the last one are the most stressful, but i also think all trials are stressful.