While We Wonder [#Wattys2015]

Chapter 5

Dear dad, sometimes I think I have dark thoughts; I really have some deep, dark thoughts. I don't know why. Am I evil? Like today, I thought about death, I thought about the hereafter, and I thought why people feared it. I always think too much, especially when I'm off my pill, I guess it is working and that's why I don't think as much as I do off of them, if you get what I mean. My whole point is, I think about consequences very often, I think about sequels, I think about books, photos, nature, people, animals, children and many other stuff. I think about heaven and hell, God, and the reason of our existence. I don't know why we exist specifically but I'm getting there. I'll know, soon enough. Maybe I won't but at least I'm trying, and I think that is what counts more than anything. It is after all, the trials and persistence that make success.
I'm off point. That's something I'm working on in my writing, I try to write and not to dig too deep that I reach another subject other than the one I'm actually writing about. It's very hard, considering I'm writing my thoughts, and I just like to dig deeper and deeper into those. I believe, that every subject in life is related to another one even if they seem completely different. Or from two different planets. They seem like that from the outside, it's just what the two shells beside each other look like, but when you open both, you'll see that the deeper you dig, the more alike they become. That's the whole world.
Your daughter,
Alice
Dear dad, remember when I told you I wonder about why people fear death? Well I guess it's just our nature. I remembered when we talked about it once, during our walk on the beach, do you remember that? God, I miss these days. You know that is one of my favorite days, it was beautiful. I concluded that it is our nature to fear the unknown. You told me we fear death because we fear what's in it as if you took me to a dark place that I didn't know and left me there, I would get scared, because I didn't know what was in there, and you were right, I would get scared. I still don't get how people are brave enough to go to war and risk their lives, or commit suicide, I think it's bravery to walk willingly to your death, but I also know that it's a sin.
Your daughter,
Alice
Dear dad, so I never got to tell you what happened between me and Tim afterwards. Well, we started seeing each other again, and how stupid was I from the scale of 1 to 10? I fell for him again, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn't stop loving him. He didn't even try to make me love him, I just did, hearing his name made it happen. So, how stupid was I from the scale of 1 to 10? Maybe a 100. Then he started again with the mistakes. This time, large mistakes, maybe they weren't a lot, but they were huge. I'll tell you all about it next time, promise. But right now I really need to get going to practice. Oh and dad, I made it to the states championship in girls' kick boxing.
Your daughter,
Alice
Dear dad, there was this time at a party when we were kissing. Tim and I. And he started pushing me against walls then going upstairs.
"Where are we going?"
He just kissed me instead of answering me, he was being compelling, and he succeeded. We went up and into a room, I didn't think it would be that extreme, I thought he wanted to cuddle or something, that was okay. Then, he started unzipping my jeans. I pushed him away.
"What are you doing?" I sounded as surprised as if I didn't know.
He kissed me again, this time, not as compelling as before, so I pushed him away.
"Tim, no, please," I said like I was begging for my life
"Why, baby? Come here, come here" he pulled me close, my head by his chest, he held me tight, I felt it, it was amazing, there was a spark, but again, there is no such thing known as spark, you love them, you'll be happy with them. And that's that. So I was happy in his arms, I was weak.
I was vulnerable, but we were invincible. And back then I could've sworn that he was in love with me as much as I was in love with him. That was the first time he tried. The second time, we were by the beach, and I didn't know why exactly, it seemed pointless and it would be very dirty and messy and it would be awful, it just wasn't the place and wasn't the timing and maybe he hadn't noticed but I was not that girl