JJ's biggest flaw was his recklessness, and his bad ideas. Honestly, that didn't seem that bad to Bexley.
Rafe's biggest flaw? Jealousy. Pure, uncontrolled jealousy.
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tw: drug usage, violence
For a split second, Rafe thought about getting clean.
In the same way he always thought about getting clean after realizing he'd gone too far.
As memories flooded him of the night before, of the van, of the gun, of Bexley...He realized he had gone way, way too far.
Because he'd almost done it.
Almost hurt her in an irreversible way.
And it would've ruined him.
The same way losing her in any way would ruin him.
But that morning, thinking about Bexley-what could've happened to Bexley-he realized he didn't care that it would've ruined him.
He cared that it would've killed her.
And for a single moment, he was glad she wasn't around him anymore.
He needed her. But what she needed was to be away from him.
Rafe thought about everything he'd done to her, and how horrified he was with himself. And he just wanted to end this. Just end this string of horrific, unescapable behavior.
He just wanted to be a normal person.
He didn't want these thoughts in his head anymore.
Rafe could get better. He knew he could get better. Because he had-one time before.
When he'd gotten clean for Bexley's adoption. He was clean, he was better, and these thoughts he got...weren't as loud.
And Rafe wondered...if he stayed clean long enough...if he tried hard enough...could this sick mind of his actually go away forever?
Rafe stared at the bag of white powder.
He looked at it, mentally counting how many lines he could get from it.
Too many.
For a split second, he considered tossing it all away, like he'd done once before.
But that was the thing about being an addict, you couldn't just stop. Lack of willpower wasn't the issue. Pain was.
And Rafe had been in so much pain the last time he got clean. So sick. So nauseous.
Rafe was in too much of a weak state of mind after his father's death to bring himself to do it again. Because a relapse was so easy. What was the point of going through that pain, knowing it could all be for nothing like it always was?
He didn't have any other comfort besides substances right now away, he rationalized.
The craving for them was the one thing he could always count on being there.
