Finding Joy

Drain, Don't Drown

I feel so dirty.
It feels sinful.
It is, isn't it?
Taboo.
Strike two.
I keep taking showers.
In hopes all of the thoughts will just go down the drain.
Showering is supposed to cleanse you.
So, why do I keep thinking of dying?

The water builds up to my ankles as I stand in the tub.
The drain is clogged.
It accumlates. Adding, multiplying. More water.

Go down.
Go down.
Get out.
Get out.
Drown.

9TAILS screams in the background.

"I don't want to be the demon they put inside me..."

I need to sit. Sit.
"There's a shadow inside me trying to take my soul..."
The water falling starts to stream down my back.
"Everybody's gone. Is anybody out there?"
I lean back, and the water showers from above.
I tilt my head forward.
"I just wish I could be normal..."
Now, the water sounds like pouring rain against my shower cap. It's nice. Truthfully.
I close my eyes shut. I find peace in the rain.
"I dont want to be the demon they put inside me..."
Cup my ears.
Curl up to let the embrace of the warm water completely cover me.
And drown.

...

"I'm okay. I'm okay. It's just the hormones amplifying my depression. I don't want to take nap. I'm okay. I'm fine. No nap. If I still feel like this after this week is over, I'll go to the hospital. I'll turn myself in. I promise. It's just my period. I don't want to die. I'll be fine in a couple of days. I'm okay. I promise. I'll go to EOU or UBH if it doesn't leave. I promise. I'll go. But I'm okay. I'm okay."

...

"I'm okay."

I turn the water off, and the shower ends. The drowning ceases.

I open my eyes.

I take a deep breath. Then let it go.

I push aside the curtains

I grab my phone.

I change the song.

It now plays Free Mind.

"Fighting to give up my pain..."

"I really need my mind."

I need my mind. I do.

"...I really need to free my mind."

I allow the song to lull me.

"I might be falling deep. I might be falling deep..."

...

I looked down.
The water.

The water is gone.