Finding Joy

[Azalea]

I thought I was different and more mature when it came to my acceptance of having bipolar disorder.
I was open and honest about the symptoms and knew how to inform others how to help me when I get a certain way. Teaching them and myself how to spot an episode brewing and how to help me prevent it or work through it. I had a small support group within my family and friends. I don't know when I burrowed back and silenced my voice. I don't remember when I began to hide again. I think it started a couple of years ago. I just know I tried to hide it when I met [redacted]. No matter how hard I tried, it slipped out every now and then. Confusing him severely.

Then, one day, I realized I was my character in the book I wrote. It disappointed me in a way because I thought I grew passed her experience. She didn't tell her friends about her disorder. So, at first, she seemed weird and lively. Captivating and brilliant. They were drawn to her. Then she'd randomly would disappear for weeks. Then she'd behaved out of character that would make the main character question whether or not he wanted to still be her friend. She'd seemed to flip flop in her determinations. I can't believe I actually wrote what I would end up doing. Because I did that to [redacted]. I wrote that book in 2016. It's 2024. I am not any different from who I was then apparently. I cycled back, and it broke me.

This morning, though, I noticed a difference between me and my character "Her." She never sought help.

Her actions, her absence, her emotions, and lack of all ended up hurting the ones she cared for most. But she never sought out help to heal whatever wounds were opened. But I did. I saw how much my bipolar symptoms were affecting [redacted]; my real-life version of "Him". Therefore, I went to try get it under control again so that I could be more parts healed rather than more parts unhealed. It could also be because I knew I had already been in a place where I was doing fine. So I knew it was possible to be fine again. Maybe with "Her" she never knew it was possible. But either way, she drowned. I know now to drain, not drown.

I am proud of myself for looking for help. I'm proud of myself for buying the books, seeking the therapy (when needed), having the behavior health hospital info on standby, talking to someone, and draining, not drowning. I can finish healing and, thus, hurt the people around me less. Well, stop hurting myself. Because... I was hurting myself way more than them and [redacted]. No one saw it. But it's true. I'm proud I never resorted to self-harm. Instead, I reached out to a friend. I don't have fresh cuts. I probably still need to reach out to a therapist. However, I can see myself finding the ground again. My mind isn't this spinning mess on fire with smoke right now.

In my book, the couple didn't end up together. And it seems that it'll reign true in real life. I think I've always known I will never get the guy. I wrote the book to convince myself that it was possible, but it didn't make sense for them to after everything that happened. Maybe if I was forthcoming about my disorder from the get-go, it would have been better.. but honestly, I was scared. I could knock my head over with what I could have done differently for things to be better now, but all I can do now is be better now. Hopefully, salvage our friendship and be better together now.

Either way, my mind is starting to clear up. I don't know how I'll be tomorrow or the day after. I'll have to take it a day at a time. Only focus on the day I am currently present in. Slowly, ground myself. Keep working at myself to be mostly healed and less unhealed. I am proud of myself for seeing the hurt I was causing and the action I took to solve it. It led me to be absent, and my absence seems to have led him to find another friend in my stead... but that's truly his prerogative. I just want him to be happy.

"If happy is her... then I'm happy for you. "

But man, it hurts, haha. All in all, I can see some more color in my world that was dull with hues of blue and grey. And I am so, so proud of myself for that.

Onward! Onto my journey to find joy!