Finding Joy

Poison

Let's break this down, shall we? 

I'm begging you to leave me alone. I was doing just fine. I was happy. I met someone I really like, I-

Yeah, I see that darling.. but what about you is even likeable. Do you even have friends anymore? 

...

Why are you quiet? Speak up. Where's that voice that kicked me out all those years ago? Didn't you take the reigns and shut me out? Where's that piggy who was brave and killed the big bad wolf?

I was happy. 

He's never going to like you. Why would you think that? You're a liability. Your mental health is a problem. 

I was better. 

You're too young. He has kids. He doesn't actually want you. He needs and wants someone better than you. You think he'd actually let you be the role model to his children. You with your decayed mind? He was just playing you. You actually believed someone like him liked you? No, please. He probably does that with other girls. You're no different. 

No.

No? No, what? Speak up! I can't stand you. There's a reason there are so many girls around him, lightning girl. There's a reason he's not around you. He avoids you. He doesn't call you anymore. He ignores your texts. He gives one sentence replies. He's exhausted by you. He ignores you at work. He doesn't see you.  You're nothing to him. You're scum. Apologize to him for making him uncomfortable. Apologize to him for taking his time.Your presence is abhorrent. You asked him out? Ugh, he's too nice to tell  you no. You forced the yes.

Did I?

Of course. He's silent around you. You are ugly. Useless. You even held his hand. Ugh. You made him uncomfortable. 

But he always touches my hand...

Take it back. The absolute gull to ask for his hand. Apologize. You're gross. Leave him alone. You know that's why you guys take separate cars now haha. So that doesn't happen again. Haha so that you can stay in your lane! Haha!

Leave him alone? 

PLEASE DO. HE. DOES. NOT. LIKE. YOU. Free him. Lightning girl, you are such a nuisance to society. Especially him. Did you forget that you are crazy.

I already tried. I tried twice. I tried to before you came back. I know I'm not good. I know I'm poison. I already know all of that. But he didn't want to end the friendship. We actually had a good talk. It was really nice. I thought-

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now I'm back, I can teach you how to do it properly. Tell him you'll unlike him. He probably can smell your stench from a mile away. It's gross. Start there. Since you couldn't detach properly. Did you tell him?

No.

What are you waiting for?

I don't want to. I don't want to unlike him. 

Cancel your date, too. I almost choked when I heard you ask him out. 

You were there? You heard that?

Cancel the date. You'll never do that ever again. Pathetic soul. You need to be alone. No friends. No lover. You can barely keep your family. Look at your mom.

Why are you bringing her up? 

I'm just saying. Look at the facts. It's plain to see. You know what.. didn't your mom tell you that you wouldn't be able to find a partner? Haha 

Yes... kind of. She didn't really say it like that. You're taking it out of context. 

Same difference. What are you doing? What are you looking for? Oh, I know. I can feel it. You're looking for a knife. Why a knife? You know a box cutter was your best friend back in good old days. 

Stop. It. 

I can feel it, too. You want to cut. 

This is too much. I can't. 

You know, if you cut, he would really not like you. You'll definitely be unattractive. Why would he purposefully add that to his plate? God, you're a mess. 

I'm a mess. 

Lightning girl!

What?

Send the message. 

FINE. I told him. I said I wouldn't ask him out, and I'll unlike him. HAPPY? I hate this. I hate myself. I'm really sad. I don't want to do any of this. I hate that I keep doing this to him. He doesn't deserve this. He's probably so confused. He's going to hate me. He's going to hate me. He's going to hate me. He's going to hate me. He's going to hate me. Why? I'm so sorry. He hates me. I have to disappear. He's going to disappear. He's never going to want to see me again.

That's the point. 

No, the point is to take away the poison. I'm the poison.

No, I'm the poison, sweetie. You're actually lovely. My desire is for him to hate you. Abandon you. Despise you. Loathe you. Spit on you. Run away from you. Curse you. 

Please go away. I was doing just fine. I was actually happy.

Because I am a part of you, no one will ever separate you from me. You are super great. You're really pretty, you're funny. You're charming and kind. You're thoughtful and caring. You're talented and have a sick sense of fashion. You are really smart and a good cook. You take such good care of your family,  and you love your friends as if they were your family. You are an incredible individual. But no one will ever know because of me. He will never know any of that because I am here to show him this side of you. I'm the poison, darling. Not you. I'm going to do everything in my power to let him believe it's all coming from you, though. Because I, I hate you, Lightning Girl. You didn't die when I told you to all those years ago. You were never supposed to be happy. I'm going to make you wish you never failed that attempt.