like light through a prism everything changes depending on what angle you see it from.
you spend your whole life looking through the same pair of eyes, seeing the same spot on your nose, looking at the hands that control everything you do and feeling the dryness in your mouth when you do the wrong thing.
the same hands that get to pet dogs and draw flowers, write love letters and type swooning songs out about your best friend; also have been hurt, and can hurt in exchange.
the shakiness in the grooves of my palms only reverberate the hand they've been dealt,
they fear, or rather i fear and my hands showcase it in an embarrassingly public way.
i flinch and sweat and shake, but i can still smile
its all perspective i guess, hm?
i shake when my heart races, which is more often than not these days. but its not always a bad thing. the excitement of seeing the human embodiment of the sun, the solace in watching a cloud cover it up before it rains, the traumatic recollection of how this scenario would've gone down a year ago; two years ago; even a few months ago.
the mental record scratches like a turn table being played by a mossy stick, it aches and breaks and misses large gaps of how its supposed to sound.
years of relationships of being told off when i bring up the smallest request
"i wish you'd tell me that you miss me when i'm at work all day, sometimes i feel like you don't like talking to me."
"yeah i'm not doing that. that's too much work and it feels like homework. it's too much effort."
or being so desperate to have someone understand my feelings that after asking for clarification on how they feel, being met with "just assume however you feel is also how i feel." and falling for it like an idiot.
but i've finally found someone that gets my perspective.
that gets the trauma and the feelings and is actually human, so to speak.
he's real and he's wonderful
he has good days and bad days, and i'm here for all of it
he has days where his laughter can fill a room and days where he doesn't want to get out of bed, and i'm here to laugh with him and support him through the rough days
he's communicative and lovely, handsome and pretty, a poet and an artist.
he's the sun peering through the window in the morning when the birds are singing and the smell of pancakes is wafting through the air.
he's the pollen on bumble bees at the turn of spring, bouncing from flower to flower in pure bliss.
he's the whiskers on cats, he's the purring and cuddling too. all so soft and wonderful, what a pool to delve your senses into.
he's the feeling of getting out of a hot shower and snuggling into a freshly made bed, your favorite movie is playing and everything is right in the world.
he is all of my favorite things, and i don't even know if he knows it.
i don't know if my broken clock chiming in twice correctly every day still hits the mark for him, if the song i sing every day still lets him know everything i feel when i chime in with it.
how loaded the phrase "i love you" is for me,
or how much the little gestures he goes out of his way to do make my heart flutter and my lips turn up in a childlike grin,
how often i talk about him, weaving him into conversation with my family effortlessly,
i hope he knows that even on my quieter days, when i sleep more than i am awake, i am thinking about him. the time i spend awake i am working on things for him or daydreaming while looking at the things he's gotten for me around my room,
i hope he knows the impact he's made. how deep his footprint has gone and how deep i think i've fallen. i might need to get a life alert at this point.
you see my flaws and not only accept them, but like them.
the things i'm most self conscious about, being picked on my whole life for them, you find a way to make me feel comfortable and happy. safe.
i feel so authentic with you, i think you're the only person who has gotten to see this side of me wholeheartedly
i hope you're sleeping soundly right now, the hoodie that i hear has lost my scent still adorned on the red panda that brings you so much joy. i hope you know i'm thinking about you, i hope your dreams reflect the adoration i've woven into this entry, even in rest. i hope you wake up and feel me there with you, a kiss on your forehead and a firm hug to get you going for work today.
i'm so excited to wake up and talk to you more, if you feel up to it.
i'm so excited to see you in a few days, to run my hands through your hair and tell you how much i missed you. i want to hold you close and just enjoy being with you, i want it to last forever.
i love you for you, my ruby <3
