note- this is just venting; it can be ignored. its very disordered and messy, i don't recommend reading this.
i don't remember what i've written about so far
i don't have the attention span to go back and read them
i did try, believe you me, i did.
the words bounce and shake and the letters read like hieroglyphics as my eyes dart from sentence to sentence
i want to write about my feelings
about the fear and the panic and how frightening starting a new medication is and the spiraling i've recently been subject to
i think i've done that already though, and i don't want to linger on it.
i have to call her tomorrow; my doctor.
i'm so scared of calling her.
i don't remember if she said it would be this rocky in the beginning of this med, i don't want to look like i wasn't paying attention even though i was locked on her and trying to absorb every word.
i don't want her to think i'm seeking drugs for anything other than self help, i'm tired of my brain fog being a running joke and i'm tired of straight up forgetting everything
i feel stupid, but self loathing won't fix that.
i shouldn't have to cry to my siblings to get them to stop looking down on me.
i know i'm not smart, i know i'm not intelligent. i know it was a stupid idea to think i could go through med school.
i get it, ok?
i can't fill a house i fight tooth and nail to keep clean and empty with relics of my mom's past without getting overwhelmed. it's just like before, the clutter the mess the disaster the downfall the hurricane of emotions and build up over furniture.
furniture? that's the trigger here for you?
damn.
we haul everything in and every surface of the house gets filled with my late grandmother's belongings, i hate it.
i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.
the porch the living room the kitchen the floors the walls its just. hers again.
how am i supposed to keep a clean house when you keep filling it up??
the house and my brain feel too similar here.
full, cluttered, overflowing; but trying to keep clean and tidy.
i can't tell when the proper time to express this dilemma is but apparently it's never the right time.
i'm so overwhelmed, i take medication to fix me and it makes me worse so i have to take more medication to fix what that one did.
i can't do anything right by my family and its so stressful.
all i want to be is as close to the sun as i can be.
i want to be valued and seen and appreciated.
i stress so much over my responsibilities and they act like its not a big deal.
you do it then, hm?
you can't, you haven't since i was a kid.
why do you think i'm like this in the first place
if you couldn't keep the first hohuse clean why did you buy the second one??
just so your 12 year old could become your maid?
breed more animals; cats, chickens, bring in more dogs, sure why not!
take your childs opinion and hold it as gospel and then burn them with the same stake like silver to a vampire when they express an issue.
make me learn the hard way not to make chlorine gas in the bathroom, make me learn the hard truth about death and taxes and how the irs will send that reaper to sow the sins in your mind for the rest of your life.
i was a kid. i don't know when, but i know i was.
somewhere between the ponies and the shovels, the death and the disaster, the methadone and the collapsing house- i was a kid.
waiting by the front door like an eager dog to show you the cleaning i did for the last 12 hours while you were at work just for you to walk past me and go to bed- my therapist said that was a big contributor to the praise i seek out now for everything i do, by the way.
it's just a shitty thing to do.
i don't know what's wrong with me, i don't know how to fix it, i don't know when it started, i don't know when it will end
all i know is i'm doing my best. i'm trying so fucking hard to keep it together and keep going.
i don't work full time, i don't pay many bills, i have it so easy and yet i feel like i'm barely hanging on.
i don't know what my problem is, but i know i'm doing my best.
i surround myself with happiness and i make myself think with optimism.
i am happy, i want to be happy, i need to be happy.
i'm so thankful for the things i enjoy in my life, genuinely.
it would be useless to ignore the problems though
i'm getting better, i want to get better, i need to get better.
i am making an active effort to forget less things,
i make an active effort to express adoration and enjoyment of the people in my life,
i communicate efficiently,
i *am* happy.
i am also just stressed and working through things,
and that's okay.
everything will be okay.
I am Happy.
